This might seem strange to be receiving a letter from the future you but this is very important. Looking back I wish I had someone to tell me this stuff. But we moved so much, and my relationships were so shallow back then that I just didn't have anyone to turn to. I don't even know if I would have listened to anyone else anyway, but it would have been nice, if someone who knew me enough, and cared enough, to try.
You are not at your best. It's not that you are incapable of being a good parent, or wife, friend or co-worker. It's just that you are far too stressed out. Being stressed out is not your fault either! Don't start blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. Don't blame anyone else either. Stuff just happens in life. Not everything has an explanation or a reason. But if you listen to me you will be able to walk through the trials you face now and in the near future much better than I did.
You are very logical, more so than you realize yet. That revelation came to me not long ago. Vulcan like. SO I appeal to your logical side. No one knows better than I just how you feel, and how you blame yourself for not being a good mother. But listen to me. There is a deeper problem here then you realize just now. Part of why you won't even consider what I'm saying is because it goes against so much of what you feel is biblical truth. But I'm here to tell you, it is not at all!
You are depressed. NOT because you don't have enough faith. NOT because you are a bad parent, or incompetant. NOT because you were made defective, or because God has rejected or is ignoring you. You are depressed because of a far simpler reason. And it turns out, a far more common reason. Let me explain...
A few major causes of stress (not limited to this, and not necessarily in this order):
- death or illness in the family (or self)
- moving
- financial issues
- marriage, divorce or giving birth.
And at this point in your life you have experienced five from this list, at least once.
Occurrences of major stress in your life, whether good or bad stress, causes a disruption in the serotonin functioning in the brain. Serotonin is your happy hormone. It is produced in the brain and responsible for making you feel happy. When stress occurs it actually kills off serotonin. It interrupts either the production or the uptake of it. This is all normal. What is not normal is when a person has multiple occurrences of stress, one after the other or prolonged stress without time to get back to normal. This causes a disruption in the uptake of serotonin that can not be overcome on it's own. This is what has happened to you. That's all it is. Just a disruption in serotonin uptake. Not its production. Not your inability to have faith, or just trust God. It's just a cause and effect type thing. You are not crazy. You just need to jumpstart your brains ability to take and hold onto serotonin again.
My advice to you is not to go around telling everyone your troubles. They will just back away and not understand. The unknown frightens them. And don't start vomiting out your hardships to cashiers at grocery stores. Instead, tell your doctor you are sad. Tell them you are angry all the time. Tell them you can't make yourself happy anymore. Tell them you don't feel like your normal self. Do whatever it takes to get the medical help you need.
I know you also have health benefits from hubby's work. Use it! Get Counselling! Talk to someone who can give you help dealing with the stress in your life. Someone who can give you ideas on how to better manage stress. Someone who will not see you as a lack of faith Christian, but as an overwhelmed mom and wife. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that place. Nothing to be scared of so stop trying to be strong and allow yourself to get help.
Only good can come from pursuing the help you need. You can be a better, more calm mother. You will be a more patient and loving person. I just wish it comes sooner for you than it did for me. The biggest regret I have now is that I listened to the lies of the unknowledgeable. The lies that told me I did not have enough faith, or just wasn't thankful enough. Because I listened to those lies I stayed in a place of fear, hurt and anger for a much longer time then I had too. I missed good years with my older kids because I was too busy being angry at them, fearful for them. I missed enjoying life with them. I missed being excited and surprised at their little accomplishments, and their funny antics. I missed enjoying the easy times. The family outings to the park, the zoo, the back yard. Instead I was always waiting for that next ball to drop, and the slightest thing would set me off.
I didn't realize I was like that. I didn't realize I was an angry mother. I didn't know I could possibly hurt my children emotionally. I didn't know I would have things I did that I could not bring myself to bring up to ask for forgiveness of them later on. But I do. Such shameful behaviour.
But you can change all that!!! YOU have the ability to avoid all that by getting help now! Talk to someone else who knows. And if you can't find anyone you think is trustworthy, I know that's an issue, then find a counsellor. Tell someone. That's it. Simple. And not scary. Not complicated. It's easy to hide from people who don't understand, but you will come to understand. And you will be so much better for it.
So will your family.
Signed; your older self.
