A Glass Box

Good Evening All.
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Tonight feels significantly heavy enough to write, so here I am.
There has been a lot of talk in our community of Hope, Power, new Seasons, Action, and Words. Most of which I have all heard before over the years. Most if not all of it has very little impact on me.
Last Sunday at Cafe we had the amazing privilege of being the first group to screen a new movie short out called "Boxface". It was written and directed by an amazingly talented film maker Joel Thompson, who also happens to be in our community now. I heard the buzz a few days before. I felt the anticipation building Saturday night. This was going to be an amazing morning at Cafe. And it was, but not how I was sort of hoping it would be.
Worship was awesome. Deep songs of true worship, calling out. I
could feel others in the room were full of anticipation and want.

When the movie started everyone was transfixed, transported even, into the story. It was like we became the main character. We felt his fear, his sadness, his confusion. So many emotions all laid out before us, and we felt them all. Joel did such an amazing job at giving understandable substance to intangible complexities of human emotions. It was understandable why Joel received a standing ovation at the end. It was wonderful to see the emotion that was exposed in so many of us watching, as one by one people stood up to speak what touched them most. The biggest issue being that this movie needs to be seen by EVERYONE! Teachers, counsellors, social workers, parents, students, anyone in the health or mental health community. Even those of us who did not say anything still felt what the others said. As Matt said, 'we have just witnessed the beginning of something'. We all knew it, we all felt it.
I was proud of Joel as a volunteer in the film making world here in Fredericton. I was proud of his creative ability and vision. I was and still am proud that I had the opportunity to take part in a small way of getting his film finished and soon out into the public eye. I am proud of him as a human being, to so self-lessly expose himself through this film that others might be helped. This was huge!
Internally, and from a personal perspective I had no great reaction. As I said to a friend, I had no relief or revelation gained from the movie. Secretly I began to wonder if I was just numb in general.
It's been a few days now and that same question has remained with me. Am I just numb? Is the anti-depressant I'm taking causing me to be so perfectly evened out that I'm also not able to grasp the depth of great revelation set before me?!?
We talked tonight about the movie a bit, and about power, and mirrors. Someone mentioned the human tendency to want to hide in a box when faced with an image of something we don't much like, be that in others, or ourselves. It was also suggested that we realize, hiding and not dealing with "our stuff" is also depriving others of seeing and experiencing the process of healing you end up going through once there has been a hurt that causes us to want to hide in the first place. That process of coming through anxiety and depression for Joel has brought out an amazing movie that will touch lives and change them!

All this got me thinking tonight, and realizing. I am hiding in a glass box. Walls still surround me, but I'm not afraid to let others see that I'm not necessarily in the best mood, or best place in my life. Obviously, there's also no way anyone or anything is going to hurt me more. Though the glass is clear from both perspectives, I'm still walled in. And I'm so walled in with a view that even I can't get a handle on what I'm hiding from, or why. I have no words yet to describe any of it. All I know is that a barrier is present.