A Letter to my fellow Christians

Dear Christian Brothers and Sisters;

     Today I have decided to finally write to you. I write because I am hurt once again by your continued ignorance and judgments levied against me. Yes, I know you mean well and think you are looking out for my best interest. But your finger pointing only results in at least three fingers pointed right back at yourself. So today I'm going to show you what you look like from my perspective.

General Background....
I have four children and a loving husband. All of whom were born and diagnosed with a bone disorder causing them to fracture easily. An additional side effect is the possible development of scoliosis. All four kids did develop some degree of it, my younger two far worse. Both need medical intervention to some degree. One needs surgery by March or April of 2015. The other now wears a brace to hopefully prevent her from ever getting to the point of needing surgery.  That's where we are right now. An emotionally difficult stage somehow wishing and barely hoping that God will intervene THIS time to correct their backs without the need of surgery.


The History....
Due to this disorder, the lack of understanding, and educated doctors locally we had to seek out help. We needed medical specialists who have been studying this connective tissue disorder and treating it successfully. We were blessed enough to find world renowned doctors in Montreal. And I literally mean world renowned! They are the top specialists in the field of research and treatment for connective tissue disorders who actually travel the world. What a blessing to find such knowledgable physicians and researchers, who are also very gifted at treating children. We have also never paid for any of the travel, hotel stays, or our food while there. This includes airfare! Never have we had to pay out of pocket for one trip. Nor have we ever had to pay for orthopaedic or bracing appliances. That's been probably thousands of dollars alone!

So for 17 years now we have been attending appointments at least twice a year in Montreal, and St. Louis, Mo (during a four year stint in the States). All four children have improved in their bone density and thus reduced the number of fractures due to the treatments they receive and the instruction we have all gotten regarding everyday living. Like what to avoid, what to do, what to eat, and what not eat. The quality of their lives and our families life has only improved because of these wonderful specialist.

The Shame.....
My only insinuated shame comes from where I take my children to get this free and amazing medical care. We go to The Shriners Hospital for Children. 
Yes, you are correct, the Shriners have to be Masons before they can be Shriners. And if you are a christian who believes in the power of healing you have no doubt heard that to be connected to a Mason is also to be subject to the vows they take of secrecy when they join. 
So out of the goodness of peoples hearts I have had books pushed in my face about the Masons. I have been told, bluntly, that we need to stop going to the Shriners hospital and renounce the curse we have taken on our family for going. 
It's as if Christ's death did nothing to protect us from this present evil at all!

The Result.....
I had to come to a place where I could attend the hospitals for the great care my children still needed but have a blanket statement to give you well meaning busybodies. This is it..."The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the just". Being a christian, saved by His Grace I am now a new creation. I am now a Saint. And as such I have the right and privilege to take and use what was meant, or spoken, in evil and receive it as a part of my inheritance and blessing. I was at peace with this until one of my daughters heard someone talking about the Shriners and she came to me wondering why there was any negative associated with going there, as she has done since birth. You were no longer dealing with me, you touched the innocent heart of my child! Mother bear has just been woken!

In Conclusion......
So, let me say this, well meaning Brother and Sister in Christ. Your well meaning stinks of self righteous judgement. Not once has any who criticized me for taking my children to the Shriners Hospitals and told me to break ties with the organization ever offered an alternative.
Not one individual, church or ministry, has ever offered to stand with us and pray daily, or hourly, for as long as it was necessary to see full healing and restoration in any one of my children. Nor has any of those mentioned ever offered to pay for our flights, our food or our hotels to visit these very same doctors in the Montreal Childrens Hospital, where they also practice.  

If I am so in the wrong for taking my children to get the medical care they required because I am not walking in faith, or taking on a curse under a particular philanthropical  association due to their own lack of wisdom by making a vow against God (have grace, they do not know what they are doing), then how much more are you, dear brother and sister in the wrong for judging me for doing my best for the care and health of my children when the very brothers and sisters I need to stand with me and fight abandon me?!

The Encouragement.....
Let me not be accused of lashing out hatefully at you for your own lack of wisdom brothers and sisters. I want to take this last moment to encourage you. Please, lay your hands on the sick, cast out demons so that they all recover. Seek and chase after the signs and wonders Jesus told us we will also do in Mark 16:15-18. Let this only be a reminder and even a wake up call to you Church, that sometimes  (probably more than we would like) you will need to make the commitment to walk that difficult road WITH the sick, the lame and the demon possessed in order for there to be full joy for all when the restoration does come. What is there to loose in the perseverance in such matters? What is there to gain should be the real question. 
For, as it is in my case, I have very nearly left the fold over the years of your judgments. Angered, beaten down and discouraged by always seeming to not be strong enough in my faith, or good enough for your help. How much different could our lives have been if only one person made the commitment to walk with us in this difficult journey of multiple health issues, and just prayed for even one of my children every time they saw them, or thought of them? What if we were encouraged instead of repeatedly discouraged in doing the best for our children that we knew to do?
So, learn from us. We were worthy of the effort, but no one seemed up to the task of taking on a long term commitment. Oh, the rewards that could have been gained by ALL of us! So instead keep in mind, the next person you see most probably needs the same kind of love, encouragement and commitment that we have been denied. Unless maybe, I'm really just expecting too much....

"Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

~ 2 Corinthians 13:11

Lessons Learned Through the Trenches

God does the most unusual things sometimes!

So, much to my husbands dislike awhile back I had accepted a friend on Facebook from my past. High school in fact. Some guy I went on a date with once.
I must have liked him. I have since found I had put a star beside his picture in my school yearbook. Grade ten.  He says we saw Ghostbusters. I thought he was a different guy with the same first name. When I realized it wasn't I thought he was another guy I knew, also the same first name. I'm so ridiculous! I felt real badly that I didn't remember the date. He had contacted me to actually apologize for dumping me after that first and only date. I forgave him, but what I fool I felt for not remembering him!
I guess that also means I wasn't completely devastated that he dumped me.  I could go on about my unlovely teenage years, and the many heartaches I did suffer....but I'm going to stick to the topic, GOD's amazingly weird sense of humour!

So, apologies given, and forgiveness received. That was that. Or so I thought.

The other night, midnight my time he messages me on Facebook. Want's to ask me a question.  I got nervous. Had a weird thing happen on Facebook less than five years ago....Thankfully his question was not weird. In fact it was ridiculously surprising! He had seen from some of my status updates that I was a christian. So this was his question...
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions for someone who has had a falling out with the Big guy?"

Well! Knock me over with a feather! That was definitely a great and unexpected, but lovely question! Unfortunately it was asked at a late hour. So I did respond a bit and he admitted I got his brain churning, but sleep was calling, cuz us 'over 40's' just can't stay up all night like we could when we were young.

My response was basically that even if he felt like he had a falling out with God, God was still right there beside him. God had never gone anywhere, only my friend thought He had. That's common
really in situations where we pull away from God. It makes us feel like God is across a great chasm and it is too difficult to reach Him again. But in reality, though we are blind to the spirit world around us, God never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is always faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to Him. God makes big promises, and He never breaks them!  

So, since our conversation got cut short due to the late hour I thought I would try to respond a bit more here with what's been on my heart since. My friend and his wife can read this weird little blog I started and see how I have struggled but continue to pursue God anyway. In spite of the anger, disappointment and lack of support I have had and still deal with sometimes.

Things I have learned over the last few years keep me coming back to God, and not giving up. Like, for instance, just because we don't understand the "answer" doesn't mean God broke a promise, or isn't with us. It means we don't see everything from His perspective, like He does. And, just because Gods people don't know how to react, or respond, or even love us the way we need during and after a crisis doesn't mean God is rejecting us. All it means is people don't know how to respond. They are fallible people, just like me. I don't know everything, am not a mind reader, and in some cases have not been taught how to respond to some situations others might be dealing with. This is where I need to grow in grace towards them. I have to choose to not be offended when someone does not respond towards me how I expect them to respond to me. 

Something I have also come to realize. Todays culture and societal norms do not prepare us to walk through tough life issues with others over long periods of time. For instance. The first time my husband had heart surgery he was in hospital for two whole months. When he did finally returned
home, he was weak and under weight, but he was alive! We had three small kids at the time, aged from 5 months to 4.5 years old. The first few weeks of his hospitalization I had casserole dishes and meals piled in the freezer. We had visitors to the hospital and cards too wishing my husband a speedy recovery. Then when he got home no one visited, no one called, and no one brought over prepared meals. But this was the hardest time for me! My mother who looked after the kids during the hospital stay was now gone home so I was left to look after all three kids myself AND after my husband who had very little strength to do much but eat and sit and dress himself. Plus I had the house to keep up, bills to do (with much less income on sick leave), and daily chores like groceries or laundry. At first my hubby could not even watch the kids by himself. I was way more in need of help when he got home just like when he first went in hospital. But I never told anyone that. And no one asked. 

We had been the flavour of the month at church. Then suddenly no one was there to help. But they didn't know I still needed it. Only someone who has endured a long battle emotionally, or physically would understand just how long the battle really is! It's not really over when you put on aires and show up to church with smiles on you're faces. Sometimes that's only the half way marker, or not even that! Sometimes it's just easier to pull away and not say anything.
But God created us to be in community with one another. So when someone doesn't know, we must ask for the help. We must open our mouths and say we are not happy, we are depressed, we are struggling with our faith or we are too tired to fight anymore, or we need help putting food on the table! If we don't then we are not giving others the opportunity of being a blessing to us. Or the blessing of learning how to walk through a difficult time in another persons life. These are character building times, for us but also for the outsiders who don't know any better. 

Yes, this above is giving the benefit of the doubt that people are naturally good at heart and want to help. I have also experienced people literally backing away from me as I tried to answer their question of how I was. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed by their own life troubles and honestly don't want to "deal" with someone else's stuff. That's fair too. I've been there myself. Doesn't make it feel any better when you are in desperate need of support though. 


So that is the time it would be wise to turn to God and bury your head into His chest and let Him
support you. (I'm speaking to myself here...this is good advice!) Tell Him all your fears, and hurts, and needs. Tell Him you are mad, or sad, or broke, or desperate for normal...whatever that is. Tell Him! He is a great big God, He can handle our emotions. He is not afraid of us getting angry, or angry at Him. He is not shaken by our fears, or lack of faith.  When our small children come to us afraid, or heart broken, or mad at us a good parent does not turn them away and say get your act together! No! We turn to our children, gather them up in our arms, maybe rock them a little and whisper things in their ears to calm them, and show them they are loved. How much more will our Father in Heaven do that for His children!!? All we need to do is turn to Him as tell Him.

The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!

TOO HUMAN?

I found today to be a hard day.

I felt inadequate, unprepared, and "too human" to be the kind of help I think I should be as a Bringer of Light. I suppose the point, that many Christians don't get, is that I am inadequate, I will never be always prepared, and I am forever "too human". That is why God sent Jesus.

Right off the bat today a lady at work came and asked me if I knew of anyone, or anywhere to go for her child who was very depressed. She was truly afraid for his life today. I suggested phycologists, some churches have free counselling, or emergency dept if it's really bad....Not much help at all. I prayed the rest of the morning between customers. For his safety, for peace, for Gods presence to be felt and keep him from harming himself, amoung other things. His Mom felt helpless I could see, I felt inadequate!
Thankfully God brought a new person into my coffee shop today. Turns out he is a pastor and I asked him the same question for my friend. He gave me the name and number of another pastor, whom I know. He does crisis counselling and works with a lot of youth. I am thankful that even though I was unprepared to provide the hope this woman, this desperate Mom needed, God heard both our cries for help and sent the right person in for me to meet. It's up to her now if she calls, but God provided what she asked for where I could not.

The other feeling of being "too human" is bigger than any one issue that came up today. It just follows me all the time. Some days I feel quite capable of loving others unconditionally. The joy that God is at work in the lives of others around me just can't help but make me smile. 
Then there are days like today. Where I know my humanness can and sometimes does get in the way of being a good steward of Gods  unconditional love. I am incapable of separating off this human side of me. It does and will again get in the way of my ability to communicate effectively. It can make me look two-faced, or insincere. I am working hard at not allowing my humanness to harm my honour and my witness. I'm not sure I can stop that though. After all I AM human. I do fail. I do screw up, I do have human feelings and thoughts, and emotions. All of which often work against what this spirit of God in me wants to accomplish.

But thanks be to God! He saw that we humans are all too human. God loves us so much that He chooses us anyway. Then He decided to send His only Son, Jesus, the Son of Man to stand in our place for all failing mankind. Jesus did the one thing we humans could not do given our humanness, that was to choose God. Then He took our punishment upon Himself and died, only to rise again from the dead. His work nearly complete.

God chose us, and Jesus, on our behalf chose God. Everything has been done for us. Being picked first, and then choosing God. All of the work done. Death and punishment also fulfilled! The only thing we have to do is accept that it was all done for us and walk into the blessing that God has waiting for us. That blessing is (but not limited to) walking in freedom, in peace, in joy, and in contentment. We didn't have to, nor does He expect us to do anything else to acquire, be worthy of, or have His love. We have it already, we had it from the start. 
Now that this truth has been passed on to you it is up to you what you do with it. You are free to make the call upon His name. He will come to you regardless of how desperate you are. He's been waiting for you already, no questions asked. 

       Thank God my humanness is not a hinderance to Him. 

A writing project: A Testament of God's Peace in Crisis

I was invited by a friend to attend  a writing class for a few weeks recently. I am glad I did. It was the first time I have made an effort  to learn more about writing. This particular class was about writing a testimony of something God did in our lives. For the first time I had to tell a familiar story from my perspective. I had to express my feelings in the crisis and in the result. This was much harder! I have under valued my own personal experience during my husbands illness because his physical healing and recovery always seemed so much more powerful a story to tell.

So, there are many details missing to this story of the miraculous things God did in saving my husbands life, but here is a small part of that story from my perspective.

A Testament of God’s Peace in Crisis

By Jennifer Mersereau

With a recent move to Winnipeg for a job and our third baby just 3 months old, I felt that our life was finally on the upswing. So when my husband Larry stayed home from his new job with flu like symptoms nothing seemed unusually ominous. Not until he was still sick three days later and difficult to wake up. 

Nine at night I was surprised and concerned to notice blood on a bathroom towel. Inspection found Larry had blood on his lips and tiny red spots all over his face and body, and feet and everywhere I looked. He did not wake with my increasingly frantic investigation until I shook him calling his name repeatedly. He finally did wake, but much to my astonishment he was not at all with it.

The ambulance trip and emergency room stay I walked through in shock. I learned Larry had Endocarditis; an infection in the lining of his heart. The infection had lodged in a heart valve and was throwing off blood clots over his entire body. Those were the red spots I had found all over him, tiny blood clots. In emergency they pumped multiple antibiotics into him at full throttle in hopes of reducing the infection in his blood. I later learned that about 50% of people who contract this type of infection do not survive.

After the first three days of delirium and uncertainty I began to settle into a routine of hospital visits, eating and sleeping. It became my normal. Prayer was big in each hospital room my husband was moved to. We had fully accepted that as God’s children we were not meant to have sickness so that was something I continually spoke against. I, and others with me claimed my husbands health and healing on a daily basis. 

It was a battle though because while we spoke life and healing over Larry, my Mother-in-law continually spoke death and sickness over him. It was becoming more and more evident just how much peace God had given me during this time of crisis as I was forced to deal with my In-Laws daily. They had come to stay while Larry was in hospital, to see their youngest son. 

God’s overwhelming peace was most evident to me the day I walked into the hospital around lunchtime to visit Larry, and was confronted by his folks in the lobby. His Mother approached me angrily. “Hello” I said in my naturally chipper way. “Where have you been”? she laid into me. “You don’t care about Larry! You don’t care that he has an aneurysm in his brain that could rupture at any time”! “You don’t care that he could die at any moment”! Anything else she said went unheard. I was taken aback by the attack. I was deeply hurt. Nothing could have been further from the truth but what could I say? I was very concerned. I was even forced to consider what would happen, and where I would go with our three children should my husband die. Her fears of his demise were unfounded. When I confronted the doctors about the possibility of an aneurysm I was told they had not even done a brain scan yet to know if there was an aneurysm. I decided to instruct the doctors and nurses to not pass on information to my Mother-in-law in order to help reduce the number of things she had to be negative about. I was to control what she knew so I would again not feel like I did not know something about my own husbands condition. 

As time passed another obvious example of God’s peace within me and the lack of peace in my mother-in-law came up. While waiting the five plus hours for the heart surgery to be completed I anxiously avoided my In-Laws. I battled the internal feelings of guilt, hurt and anger towards them. I no longer trusted them. Instead I enjoyed some time laughing and talking in a different room from them with a friend who stayed with me most of the time during the surgery. Once my friend left and I had to return to the surgical waiting room I did not sit close to them at all. The pain I felt from the attack still fresh. When the Surgeon came out of surgery the three of us gathered around him to hear the news. He said, ”Everything went well” , but my relieved response of, “oh good!” went completely unheard because my mother-in-law fainted. 

The physical process of healing for my husband after three surgeries in so many weeks was long but full of much encouragement. I was relieved my In-Laws finally left for home. That alone allowed me to finally process and enjoy the feelings of elation and excitement that I was entitled to feel after such victory in my husband health. We were now able to walk out and speak out our faith without the fear of our words being counteracted at every turn. Larry and I were able to discuss God’s goodness and His peace that I walked in during those hard, stress filled and uncertain days. We continue to marvel at the many large and small miracles that show God’s hand and faithfulness to us in that time of crisis.

Future Forward

This seems like an unlikely and different vein for me to write on, I know. But it's about time I start thinking ahead instead of constantly looking behind (or at my current circumstances). Staying in my present just feels like more of my past, hopeless. Actually this topic creeped up on me after reading this...

It rang too true for me to be comfortable. I didn't like that I agreed with that statement whole-heartedly. It clung to the edges of my mind. Just lurking there.

That had to, and has to change. Every dream I had long ago was pushed down and eventually washed away with every crisis that happened. A few times I dared to think we might be climbing out of debt or the current crisis. But each time that thought was only met with another thud of the hammer on the coffin of my hopes. The verse Proverbs 13:12 was lodged in my heart,

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life."

Of course there was an emphasis in my mind on the first part due to my hopes for " normal" life being crushed.

So all of this lead me to re-read a year old blog of my friends. It is a bucket list. The idea of having a bucket list is SO foreign to me that the first time or two I read it back when it was posted, I marvelled at the idea. I literally thought that there was no way I could ever write one. I had no stinkin' clue what I would put in a list that would be even remotely possible, that I could ever have the gaul to assume I could accomplish. But that was a year ago.

Yesterday, as I read my friends List again I noticed that this past week she actually fulfilled #21, to Scuba Dive. Granted she is learning in the freezing cold waters of the Northumberland Straight in the middle of October, but she can now check it off her list. The neat thing too is that now that she is working on her seals for water rescue she will have this knowledge for life and will be able to scuba dive anywhere in the world she may end up. That's totally cool! 

Last night I opened up Pages and started a list. It's short. It's pathetic. But it's a start at dreaming again, hoping again. And maybe with a list I will have something to look past the current crisis and work towards in spite of circumstances that seem to push me down. Some things I might be able to accomplish within a few weeks, others might take years....or never. But at least, if nothing else I will have accomplished one very important thing necessary to all humans. To hope and dream again for a good future.

Attempt at a 

BUCKET LIST

October 13, 2012

1. Dream big enough to actually be able to write a bucket list
2. Read at least one of the 100 greatest Novels (shouldn't this be on every bucket list?)
3. Publish at least one of my stories/allegories 
4. Be debt free
5. Actually fix up and keep up with my garden
6. Live in the same house at least 10 years
7. Return to India
8. Go on a cruise with husband

An Unexpected Night

Tonight started out as any other. At home watching a t.v. show on the internet. A friend came home with the promise that I would drive her home later. She had mentioned a dream she had and I wanted to hear it. It had rattled her.

Too many people in the house and no where to go in it to talk alone so we left to “take her home”. I was itching for an excuse to get out of the house and just away. She wanted an Ice Cap, and I wanted to drive so I headed to the next city. She turned on the tunes as we drove without words, listening to the worship songs she picked. I found it very hard not to sing.

We stopped and had our treat and I listened to the God dream she had last night. We both had the same interpretation. That was confirmation to me that I am still discerning correctly. Haven’t had very many opportunities to exercise that part of me in a long while. 

I was still restless. I wanted back in the van and to just listen to worship songs. With every turn I went the opposite way from home. I just had no desire to go home. At least not yet. My friend sat quietly, DJ’ing our drive and unknowingly my heart, while I piloted the van a very long way home. Away from town at first, then back towards it the long way. Or so I thought....

As the tunes kept coming they continually softened my heart. I was content to enjoy the drive the long way home until it felt too long. My heart was turning to jelly and my passenger was noticing we should have hit the city by now. We were in the middle of nowhere. A new experience for me. I’m never lost, I have a very good sense of direction. But the fog, dark shiny roads, and the ‘too bright’ headlights must have caused me to miss a sign to turn somewhere. We realized we were nearly an hours drive south of town. Definitely the looong way home!

I got gas and we responsibly turned around and headed back to the City on an actual highway, giggling about our silly adventure. All the while more songs pouring out of the speakers flooding my dry spirit and heart with words and songs I have not heard in a long time, or had the chance to actually soak in. Little did I know at this point how unexpected the rest of my night would turn out! 

I remember saying out loud that I didn’t want to go back home. I seriously contemplated turning down the cut off towards a completely different city while my friend was looking down at the iPod for the next song. I thought she might get upset if I did so I kept heading home. 

At some point I noticed I was mush internally. I seriously needed to lay on the floor and just let these songs keep doing their work. But I was driving! We were both singing the songs we knew and listening to the ones we didn’t. I don’t know if my passenger was feeling the same softening of her heart as I was feeling. I was really liking her song choice and did not desire to stop that. I decided to push through and just get her home.

After a song that had a lot of Hallelujah's in it I could hear her still quietly singing and praying while I was quietly praying in tongues. It’s been too long since I did that too! I took the cut off to the bridge way too fast. I was less in my mind and more in the spirit then I have been in far too long. That turn was scary. I was sincerely worried my friend would not trust my driving again. I apologized several times. 

Now the unexpected happened. Still driving. Still heading for the bridge I was having to purposely breathe calmly. I opened my window fully. My spirit was now at the boiling point. I really really needed to lay down, and said so. I was getting more and more overwhelmed in the spirit than I have ever been. I was trying not to hyperventilate and I was releasing some of that boil-over by making the odd noise here and there. My friend thought this was hilarious. 

Trying to find one last song to tip me over the edge seemed to take her forever. I was anticipating more but was not expecting its force. Especially while driving down a full circle turn off! The first note of the song and I was as doubled over as I could be while still attempting to drive. I felt like I had just been punched in the spiritual gut. I was losing it fast! My passenger was both concerned about my needing to pull over and laughing hysterically at me, saying, “More Lord”. 

We were so close to her house I couldn’t see pulling over. I just wanted to lay down and let happen what needed to happen. I had been SO spiritually thirsty that I was soaking it all in! It was all I could do to stay focused on the road and drive. I pep talked myself there in between groans and spiritual gut punches. By the time I reached her driveway I had pretty much lost the ability to hold on. I was so relieved to park and turn off the van. Still laughing, my friend said she was just feeling Joy. I was shaking. I didn’t yet know what I was feeling except beat up and so full of His spirit that I couldn’t stay still. She had the nerve to keep saying, “More Lord, give her move....” I didn’t hear all of what she said. 

She did say that God was asking me ‘was I ready yet’. My first response was, ‘ready for what? No! I’m not ready, I’m tired of crap’. That response really shows my lack of trust for God I think.

I just wanted to lay down. My giggling passenger got out of the van and headed to the door, asking if I was coming. My legs were shaking so much I didn’t know if I could walk. She refused to help me but went to opened the back door. I stepped out of the van with too many things in my hands, couldn’t seem to lock the van with the FOB and doubled over. Now the full on laughing began. It was giggles at first, then full blown, but muffled laughter. I was only half way to the stairs! About three steps from the van. The second I saw the steps the laughter got harder. There was NO way I was going to make it up those three stairs without a handrail to hold myself up and I knew it. There is no handrail so I crawled up, dragging my purse along with me and laughing harder with each move towards the door. I couldn’t help it. I was loud and was being shushing. She was telling me to get in the house before I wake the neighbours! There is a first for everything : )

I was now laying on the back porch laughing hysterically and unable to move. My friend was sounding rather concerned about something and all I could do was laugh. I really didn’t want to remain in the cold and the dirt of the porch so i somehow managed to get to my knees and crawl into the house. I don’t know if I got part way up, all the way up or not up at all. Maybe I was picked up. I don’t remember but I eventually did end up in the laundry room, safely within the locked doors of the place. As she stepped over me she said I was definitely drunk. I guess I was. This would be a first for that too. I was never this drunk on alcohol before so I have nothing to compare it to but I was dizzy, loud, couldn’t see straight, and couldn’t even sit upright. Next thing I knew I was sliding sideways to the floor again, unable to stop laughing. It has to be the most fun I have ever had, hands, and me, down.

Still being coaxed into the living room I managed to move into the kitchen and sat in front of the oven, trying to catch my breath from all the laughing. Now my body was responding. I was coughing hard enough that I thought I was going to throw up. Not being able to breathe fully does cause me to cough during laughing, but this was a bit more intense. I was vaguely aware that there was praying going on for me. Asked if there was anything I wanted to get off my chest, I instinctually said no. She repeated the question, with an, “are you sure you don’t want to get something off your chest”? Here things changed completely.

I blurted out a statement to which her response was an automatic “no you don’t”, but I said it again and started to bawl. It’s not something I would ever want to repeat again. It was shocking to me too that it came out of my heart in the first place. But it was just where I was at the time. She quietly prayed. When I stopped internally complaining to God about the issue immediately I was being encouraged that He wants me to keep talking to Him about it. She was on the spiritual ball right then. Her spider senses were working and accurate! 

It got quiet for a bit and my friend asked if I had ever lived in the country, or what I thought of the country. I’m a city girl at heart for sure, but something in me would also love to live off the grid and more naturally and sustainably. But all that is a lot of work, work that I’m not really willing or able to do. She described a picture she saw of me, older but not old. Sitting on a veranda in the country. I was at peace. I had more grey hair than I have now, but I was not wrinkled to show actual age. Not much older than I am now in other words. There was stuff like mountains in the distance and I could see much further than most could. I had eyes like eagles eyes. (this vision is deep and intense!) 

STILL wanting me out of the kitchen, and having calmed down I obliged and got off the floor with the help of a kitchen chair. I was still dizzy and stumbled into her living room. Once I plunked down on a couch something seemed to change. I still didn’t want to go home, but within minutes she wanted me to leave. She checked often if I was ok. Maybe she was checking to see if I was falling asleep. Then statements like, ‘I have to get up early for an appointment’ started coming out. As true as I knew that to be she had missed so many before. Simple things have stopped her from going before. It seemed so sudden a change in her attitude. I knew that she must have felt uncomfortable about something, and it was most likely what I had blurted out in the kitchen. If I had been one of her younger girlfriends would she have been so quick to kick them out? Or would she have let them stay the night and see them through to the end of whatever was going on inside? 

It was obvious the night was over weather I wanted it to be or not so I forced myself off the couch and out the door. Yes, I was still a bit stumblie. But I was having to shake it off and sober up so I could go home now. Everything in me was crying to not go home, but now I had no where else to go but home. That feeling of being trapped clamped down on me rather harshly as I drove over that bridge toward home.

I recalled that there had been a change in her tune again once I was in the kitchen. Asking if I was ok, she was now wondering if I should stay. Was that just out of guilt perhaps? Unless there is a spiritual difference in each room of her house. That’s possible too. But it was too late by then. I was not going to stay somewhere I felt I wasn’t wanted. Had I just unintentionally crossed a line of exposing myself too much?

Perhaps that was the reason for the unsettled feeling that had suddenly appeared. Maybe I was being rejected again because too much got exposed and it was felt that I am too much to handle. This whole experience kind of did blindside both of us. Maybe my friend was just not prepared to handle the clean up of the train wreck that had just happened in her kitchen. When God moves, you gotta be prepared to see His work through. If He started something He will help you see it through if you let Him.

It should be interesting to see what the relationship feels like over the next few days. I really hope it’s not damaged. Only time will tell. So far my friend has not checked in with me to see if I even got home safe. Maybe I should be the one to contact her and find out  what she has going through her head and heart about tonight. It would be the mature thing to do. I feel that shrinking back feeling of shame and embarrassment too though. I’ll have to fight it if I want to show her I want to keep our friendship. It is really important to me. She is really important to me.

A side note: As I think about the vision she had of me earlier, it strikes me first that I was alone. Second the grey hair without the age to match speaks of wisdom beyond my years. Thirdly, the eagles eyes speak of the prophets ability to see what is coming in the future. 

Peace is one of those things I have learned by experience to stop hoping to enjoy. Maybe peace really will one day come. I can’t make myself feel it. It will have to be a gift that I don’t work for. I’m willing to let it come and until it does I will wait.

Let it be Lord.

12-09-02

Twenty-somethings and Hiding

Funny, how life is sometimes. Who enters your life at certain times, for seasons or for longer.

I have been bored these last few weeks. Sitting at home doing the minimal of housework, cooking, mostly driving kids around, watching T.V too, or surfing the net...mostly Facebook really. Just plain bored. I told someone the other day that I have no vision. No future aspirations, no hope for something bigger or better to come my way. That was all stripped away with every hospital visit, doctor appointment, cast, surgery and late bill statement. I have and still do just plod along in day to day stuff because I don't know what else to do. Even my desire and love for crafty things is gone. I haven't scrap-booked in over 5 years. My last painting was done 3 years ago. I don't crochet, because I have enough scarves and that's all I know how to make. I haven't sewn anything productive besides fixing a hole or adding an elastic to something in over a year either. I don't know where my enjoyment in those things went, it's just gone.

Enter the Twenty-somethings into my life.
Recently over the last year or two I have had the enjoyment of a few young women enter my life. They come mostly from different backgrounds, but all have the same hope. Christ, and a better future than the path they were on was previously leading them. For some unknown reason they seem to keep coming back to me. I'm pretty sure I have more "cool" friends now then I ever did in all my years growing up. I'm finding it strange, and fascinating. I'm not much different now from my younger, "ugly duckling", unconfident self. I am often struck with wonder at why these beautiful, popular, and take charge young women willingly choose to spend time with me. Sometimes even often! It's fun though having friends who are 20 years my junior; in an awkward kind of way. It's like I am getting a chance to re-live some years with them I never had when I was their age. But still, down right baffling.

(A switch of gears here, I feel I now need to be much more revealing and am already feeling hesitant. I have only exposed some of this to one person so far, and am embarrassed that I have shared any of my inner self with anyone.)

I am now at a loss for words. I want to be forthcoming. I'm not the type to lie or deceive, but if I can hide I will; from others, but also from myself. I don't like knowing how stupid, immature, and self centred I can be. No one likes to look at them selves in the mirror when they are at their most ugly. Funny how we as humans can think others don't see that part of us. Often times, they do and just don't say anything....and sometimes they do. Just like the other day, when one of those amazing young women told me I have been acting rather childish towards God lately. Ouch!

I'm not mad, or hurt at all. I'm sad that I have been that way. I've been rebellious at heart and actually I still want to be. I want to hide. From myself, from the disappointment I feel towards where I am in life, from who I was before I was fully trampled by circumstances. I want to run from the possibility that this is all my life will amount to; over due bills, a house that we can't upkeep, the string of second hand vehicles that keep breaking down and costing so much money. Lack, lack, lack. I want to hide from my kids when I hear or see something that reminds me of how bad a parent I was when they were younger. I want to hide from friends because I am feeling that I can be too much. Not in a way that my life's circumstances are too much for them to deal with anymore, but from the feeling that I can be too clingy and needy for their attention. I'm working my hardest to not let on that I'm like that too. Or, I could just be over reacting to these new relationships. Friendships, deep ones, are very new to me and figuring out what is right or wrong to do, appropriate or inappropriate to feel in friendships can be confusing to the heart when encountered for the first time. This is stuff that kids learn on playgrounds and schoolyards. Not the stuff that is learned in your early 40's for pete's sake. Yet, here I am. And I want to hide from that fact too. I want to hide from God as well. It's impossible I know. But if I stay just out of reach enough....maybe I'll blend into the woodwork and coast through life without any more trampling or pain.

That's never going to happen. I too deeply want my life to be more than that! More than it has been. I want to matter to others. I want to have a friend who can't live without me, instead of it being me who can't live without them. I want to have adventure, to take risks and win for a change. I want to be able to not look back at some part of my life and not feel regretful or cheated. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that I hear others say they have, where they hear Him and feel Holy Spirit in a tangible way. Where He tells me stuff, good stuff. I want to be on the inside with God, not the outside fringes. It is a constant war internally between wanting to hide, and wanting to be in the center of it all, not left out. I guess when you get down to it I want to be in the least painful place I could be. Neither option is it. Both come with their own set of hurts and painful circumstances. And so, I want to hide from even making that choice.

I re-read a blog posting of a friend, which is really what started me to write tonight. It was an eye opening view. To see the struggle of a promising young women who pulled herself out of some bad life patterns. Comparatively to see her now living such a beautiful life in deep relationship with Christ. It is easy to see from this side of things how all her difficulties and worries, all valid are mere speed bumps or detours on a road to success in everything she does, no matter which path she takes. Our lives were so different, our paths so completely opposite. I wonder how someone who made all the safe choices in life could end up so desperately wishing that she hadn't. So strongly wishing she had taken (or could) a path like this young women had traveled for a time and is now out of. Wishing to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident with her abilities. Motivated to change, to step out and take a risk now, forgetting about the fear of failure and instead grasping the excitement of something new and fun. Instead I want to still hide. Hide from failure, embarrassment, and fear. To hide from the person I want to be, but do not have the courage and confidence to be.

  So really. Why do these twenty-somethings want to hang out with me?!!?