The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

A writing project: A Testament of God's Peace in Crisis

I was invited by a friend to attend  a writing class for a few weeks recently. I am glad I did. It was the first time I have made an effort  to learn more about writing. This particular class was about writing a testimony of something God did in our lives. For the first time I had to tell a familiar story from my perspective. I had to express my feelings in the crisis and in the result. This was much harder! I have under valued my own personal experience during my husbands illness because his physical healing and recovery always seemed so much more powerful a story to tell.

So, there are many details missing to this story of the miraculous things God did in saving my husbands life, but here is a small part of that story from my perspective.

A Testament of God’s Peace in Crisis

By Jennifer Mersereau

With a recent move to Winnipeg for a job and our third baby just 3 months old, I felt that our life was finally on the upswing. So when my husband Larry stayed home from his new job with flu like symptoms nothing seemed unusually ominous. Not until he was still sick three days later and difficult to wake up. 

Nine at night I was surprised and concerned to notice blood on a bathroom towel. Inspection found Larry had blood on his lips and tiny red spots all over his face and body, and feet and everywhere I looked. He did not wake with my increasingly frantic investigation until I shook him calling his name repeatedly. He finally did wake, but much to my astonishment he was not at all with it.

The ambulance trip and emergency room stay I walked through in shock. I learned Larry had Endocarditis; an infection in the lining of his heart. The infection had lodged in a heart valve and was throwing off blood clots over his entire body. Those were the red spots I had found all over him, tiny blood clots. In emergency they pumped multiple antibiotics into him at full throttle in hopes of reducing the infection in his blood. I later learned that about 50% of people who contract this type of infection do not survive.

After the first three days of delirium and uncertainty I began to settle into a routine of hospital visits, eating and sleeping. It became my normal. Prayer was big in each hospital room my husband was moved to. We had fully accepted that as God’s children we were not meant to have sickness so that was something I continually spoke against. I, and others with me claimed my husbands health and healing on a daily basis. 

It was a battle though because while we spoke life and healing over Larry, my Mother-in-law continually spoke death and sickness over him. It was becoming more and more evident just how much peace God had given me during this time of crisis as I was forced to deal with my In-Laws daily. They had come to stay while Larry was in hospital, to see their youngest son. 

God’s overwhelming peace was most evident to me the day I walked into the hospital around lunchtime to visit Larry, and was confronted by his folks in the lobby. His Mother approached me angrily. “Hello” I said in my naturally chipper way. “Where have you been”? she laid into me. “You don’t care about Larry! You don’t care that he has an aneurysm in his brain that could rupture at any time”! “You don’t care that he could die at any moment”! Anything else she said went unheard. I was taken aback by the attack. I was deeply hurt. Nothing could have been further from the truth but what could I say? I was very concerned. I was even forced to consider what would happen, and where I would go with our three children should my husband die. Her fears of his demise were unfounded. When I confronted the doctors about the possibility of an aneurysm I was told they had not even done a brain scan yet to know if there was an aneurysm. I decided to instruct the doctors and nurses to not pass on information to my Mother-in-law in order to help reduce the number of things she had to be negative about. I was to control what she knew so I would again not feel like I did not know something about my own husbands condition. 

As time passed another obvious example of God’s peace within me and the lack of peace in my mother-in-law came up. While waiting the five plus hours for the heart surgery to be completed I anxiously avoided my In-Laws. I battled the internal feelings of guilt, hurt and anger towards them. I no longer trusted them. Instead I enjoyed some time laughing and talking in a different room from them with a friend who stayed with me most of the time during the surgery. Once my friend left and I had to return to the surgical waiting room I did not sit close to them at all. The pain I felt from the attack still fresh. When the Surgeon came out of surgery the three of us gathered around him to hear the news. He said, ”Everything went well” , but my relieved response of, “oh good!” went completely unheard because my mother-in-law fainted. 

The physical process of healing for my husband after three surgeries in so many weeks was long but full of much encouragement. I was relieved my In-Laws finally left for home. That alone allowed me to finally process and enjoy the feelings of elation and excitement that I was entitled to feel after such victory in my husband health. We were now able to walk out and speak out our faith without the fear of our words being counteracted at every turn. Larry and I were able to discuss God’s goodness and His peace that I walked in during those hard, stress filled and uncertain days. We continue to marvel at the many large and small miracles that show God’s hand and faithfulness to us in that time of crisis.