Dear Katie

Received this message on my Facebook Timeline this morning.

This is my long response...

Katie:

I am at a lose for words….but maybe as I write I can force my mind to form into words the emotions your thoughtful post has evoked!

First of all, I think the me you saw all those years ago was not nearly as stressed out as I eventually got. I am so thankful for our friendship, your love and your prayers! It was one of the best decisions in my life to fly you into Winnipeg to help after Rose was born. I remember wishing you could just live with us forever. You were so helpful and the kids loved you so much.

My experience sounds a little similar to the shows plot line. At the time we found out Rebekah had OI I too had faith that God would only give me what I could handle. And to His glory by the time she was born the broken femur that was bent in her first ultrasound was straight with no outward sign there had been a fracture before birth. The x-rays confirmed the healed fracture. Genetic counselling was given so we understood the odds were 50% for each child to be born with Brittle Bones. But other than the first appointment to diagnosis both Rebekah(3mos) and Larry(30yrs) we never sought out anything further during each pregnancy because abortion was NEVER an option for us. My mother on the other hand was the only one who suggested that I shouldn’t have anymore babies because of the disorder, though she never suggested abortion either….it was a painful conversation that still upsets me to this day (Bekah is now 21).

Every life has value and a purpose. Every encounter we each have with others in this life is an opportunity to shape the other. It is our choice if we will allow that interaction to make us better or worse for it.

I don’t think, looking back now, that I was overwhelmed because I had four children with Brittle Bone Disorder or because my husband had multiple heart surgeries. I was overwhelmed because of the lack of good relationships in my life that would allow me to speak, be heard, feel valued, and important and like a contributing part of society. Having other mothers, grandmothers and women in general not want to ask me how I was, back away from me even was very lonely.  Not being offered help, not being available to be a shoulder to cry on, not speaking encouragement or life into me and who I was as a wife, mother or woman is where the hurt came in. 

So if I was to speak of anything that is hard, or overwhelming in life in general it is not the physical demands of being a parent to children who have special care requirements. Those things can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating….sometimes even exhausting. But it is the lack  of emotional support that hurts, harms and ultimately defeats a parent, any parent, any person. Feeling alone in the world, especially when you have to deal with difficult situations is the true illness of society. Being a christian I probably held other christians to a higher standard. One which they all failed, regardless of where I lived. With a few brief exceptions. In Winnipeg my best friend was Sikh and not a christian at all. The two years I lived beside her were the best years in Winnipeg, because I finally had a friend with whom I could talk about anything. She was not afraid to hear about the things I found challenging and had to deal with for the health of my family. And I was able to do the same for her. I dearly loved her and wish I could find her as we lost contact with all our moves.

Another example of the lack of support happened early in my life. At 16 I worked for a year with a little boy who was legally deaf, blind and had Cerebral Palsy. He was sweet and his mother very kind. By the time I was in my 20’s the news broke one day of their murder suicide. She was overwhelmed by the lack of help, especially as he was aging out of the system as he approached 18. It was a very sad story and was difficult for me having actually known them years ago. 

The lack of emotional help offered to me as a parent through the Shriners Hospitals has also concerned me over the years. No one knew I was depressed for all those years, nor would I admit it to myself, because ya know, as a christian I was support to be happy. And obviously my faith was not strong enough or else my family would have been healed! But not once was I ever asked how I was coping with four children, and a husband who had health issues. Not once was I asked if I wanted to talk about it. Nor was it suggested that I see a counsellor but my family physician or the Social Workers at any of the hospitals we would grace the floors of during some crisis or other. 

So, my big question is, who is taking care of the carers? Who is seeking to befriend them? Who is loving them and supporting them. Treating them like normal humans with a need and desire for relationships other than doctor/patient/caregiver connections? Who is checking on them and how they are doing? I had no one, literally for years on end. My life was too overwhelming for others to consider being friends with me. But friendships, or mentorships would have made a huge difference in my life. The church fell very short of loving one another in my case….how many other women are sitting in pews and chairs feeling unnoticed, unimportant, overwhelmed, and unloved? 

This is why I have no use for putting myself in those seats ever again. But also why I want to be a mentor and to love on the young women who will let me love them in my life.

Jenn

The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

We are all the same.

One day I had someone tell me I was just like everyone else.
It stung.
Not because they were being harsh, or putting me down, but because they were right.
I am just like everyone else. I was noticing this on my own before being told, and that's why the statement stung for so long.

Once, a long time ago I would have never admitted it publicly but I thought of myself as better then some. You know the ones. The ones whose sin or misguided judgement was obvious and in your face. As obvious as blatant sexual perversities,  lewdness, or drunkenness. Even, dare I say, as innocent as bad hygiene or dental habits! Of course I was better then they were, I thought. I had it together. I was clean, tidy, had all my teeth, and they were straight. I was polite and impure thoughts just didn't enter my mind. I was never lewd, rude or out of control. By human standards I was a "good" person.
What a fool I was!
All those things are surface stuff. Just extensions or outward signs of what is in the heart. But I had stuff, and still do, that I was unwilling to admit then. Stuff I'd be hard pressed to admit openly now except to say that I am not perfect and I know it.

What lead me, and leads most of us to assume some are better then others? It is the humanness in us that judges based on degrees of good or bad. The human assumption that murder is worse then rape. But murder and rape are WAY worse then gossip. Yet all are deemed as sin according to the Old Testament. All sin is equal to God. All sin hides us from His sight. Creates a barrier between He and we, and between each other. It stops the flow of His love, and can even create hate within us. Hate in our hearts towards another is just as bad as murder according to The New Testament.
So if I judge another human as unworthy or less then me I am walking in sin just by the mere act of judging.
Romans 2: 16 says,  'God, by Jesus Christ will judge men in regard to the things which they conceal'. Yet we also read that He bore our sins upon Himself. He took the judgement for us,bearing the blame and the consequence of all our sins against Him and against each other. His judgement was to take our judgement and let us off scotch free! That is so amazing that no selfish, blame-finding human could have thought of it. Only a God of mercy would conceive such a crazy plan and pull it off.
So, where I thought I was better then others I was just the same.

Where I would hope to have shed some of my imperfect humanness I was only ignoring it and focusing on another's imperfect humanness. Degrees may be different, but the motive or cause is the same. The obviousness of my sin may be less visible to others because of my walls, but I was no less in the wrong.
We are ALL the same. Every one of us, in spite of our individualities and uniqueness.
But there is HOPE! If we are all the same in our wrongs, we are also all the same in our forgiveness! Each one of us is forgiven the same. No one can be excluded from the club. No one can excuse themselves from the removal of our sins. Not one of us can do a single thing to make God not forgive us, because it is done all ready! Not one of us can do anything to earn more forgiveness than another person. It is all equal. Christ's blood was spilt for all of us, not one excluded, not one more covered than another. We are all the same, all made equal in His sacrifice.
So, I might not always be able to be in control of my thoughts, emotions, or even my words. I am mighty thankful that should my limited human efforts to keep in check according to how I think I should act, or be that His grace and mercy are available to cover up my multitude of sins when I can't . He has done the same for you too already, without your permission. He didn't need your permission to forgive you. You just only need to accept this fact. It's the kind of thing that could change your life forever if you let it.
It's free, it's good, and its already yours, and mine!
Thank God, cuz there are some days I'm a mess!

TOO HUMAN?

I found today to be a hard day.

I felt inadequate, unprepared, and "too human" to be the kind of help I think I should be as a Bringer of Light. I suppose the point, that many Christians don't get, is that I am inadequate, I will never be always prepared, and I am forever "too human". That is why God sent Jesus.

Right off the bat today a lady at work came and asked me if I knew of anyone, or anywhere to go for her child who was very depressed. She was truly afraid for his life today. I suggested phycologists, some churches have free counselling, or emergency dept if it's really bad....Not much help at all. I prayed the rest of the morning between customers. For his safety, for peace, for Gods presence to be felt and keep him from harming himself, amoung other things. His Mom felt helpless I could see, I felt inadequate!
Thankfully God brought a new person into my coffee shop today. Turns out he is a pastor and I asked him the same question for my friend. He gave me the name and number of another pastor, whom I know. He does crisis counselling and works with a lot of youth. I am thankful that even though I was unprepared to provide the hope this woman, this desperate Mom needed, God heard both our cries for help and sent the right person in for me to meet. It's up to her now if she calls, but God provided what she asked for where I could not.

The other feeling of being "too human" is bigger than any one issue that came up today. It just follows me all the time. Some days I feel quite capable of loving others unconditionally. The joy that God is at work in the lives of others around me just can't help but make me smile. 
Then there are days like today. Where I know my humanness can and sometimes does get in the way of being a good steward of Gods  unconditional love. I am incapable of separating off this human side of me. It does and will again get in the way of my ability to communicate effectively. It can make me look two-faced, or insincere. I am working hard at not allowing my humanness to harm my honour and my witness. I'm not sure I can stop that though. After all I AM human. I do fail. I do screw up, I do have human feelings and thoughts, and emotions. All of which often work against what this spirit of God in me wants to accomplish.

But thanks be to God! He saw that we humans are all too human. God loves us so much that He chooses us anyway. Then He decided to send His only Son, Jesus, the Son of Man to stand in our place for all failing mankind. Jesus did the one thing we humans could not do given our humanness, that was to choose God. Then He took our punishment upon Himself and died, only to rise again from the dead. His work nearly complete.

God chose us, and Jesus, on our behalf chose God. Everything has been done for us. Being picked first, and then choosing God. All of the work done. Death and punishment also fulfilled! The only thing we have to do is accept that it was all done for us and walk into the blessing that God has waiting for us. That blessing is (but not limited to) walking in freedom, in peace, in joy, and in contentment. We didn't have to, nor does He expect us to do anything else to acquire, be worthy of, or have His love. We have it already, we had it from the start. 
Now that this truth has been passed on to you it is up to you what you do with it. You are free to make the call upon His name. He will come to you regardless of how desperate you are. He's been waiting for you already, no questions asked. 

       Thank God my humanness is not a hinderance to Him. 

By Request

For every action there is a reaction. For every cause, an effect. For every thing there is also a counter, or an opposite. 

This is taught on Sesame Street as well as in Public schools from Daycare right through to High School. We learn the opposite of up is down and in is out. We learn that Math has opposites, Science has opposites, even politics have opposites, and counters to the opposition. Music and art have primary and secondary and opposites to the primary’s and secondaries! There is no shortage of opposites for as the saying goes, “Opposites attract”! 

If you have ever read of heard anything about the Bible than you would have probably heard that there is also a Christ and an opposite to Christ, the Anti-christ. Christ’s exact opposite. Both are mentioned often in the books of Daniel and Isaiah, but mostly Revelation. Where Christ leads by example, truth, love, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy the Anti-christ will dominate by fear, heavy handedness, lies and deceit. He will promise one thing but give you another. This is as simplistic an explanation as this non-theologian can come up with now. If it behooves you, please study these books. They are rather interesting, intense and as it is with Revelation, the only book of the Bible that comes with a promise of blessing for those who just read it. Not understanding it, just reading it brings blessing. I digress...

I am by no means a student of phycology, a theologian, or anything else that matters to people of status in society. I am on the other hand a person who watches, listens and deeply cares for and about others. Some people, for some reason, God allows me the privilege of getting to know. Sometimes it is to learn and grow from them. Other times it is to be a blessing to them in some way. This is why this topic I am attempting to broach is before me now. 

So, with my little explanation of opposites in the back of your mind I’m going to just jump right in because I don’t know how else to start this topic. I’ve danced around it now far too long and attempted to write several times all with the result of deleting anything typed.

As every “Christian” knows there are sins in life to be avoided. Promiscuous behavior, alcohol, smoking, cursing, gambling, drugs of any kind and gluttony. When all is said and done, it is anything that takes the place of God in your life that is really the sin. Anything that would consume your resources of time, thoughts, money, respect, and reverence. A lot of things can and do fit in that category, for christians and non-christians alike. I have recently begun to question some of the “do nots” I learned as a new believer over 20 years ago. Like “do not drink” and the more subtle secondary rules that I somehow learned by fear, “do not associate with drinkers, or those who do drugs”.

I’m not sure what was more scary. The idea that they might harm me due to their addictions, or somehow trick me into also becoming addicted! It’s all very silly now when I think about it because Jesus regularly hung out with “sinners”. It was for them He came for to release from their addictions, their sufferings, their heart aches, and their sicknesses. It is very sad that now a large portion of christians cut themselves off from those who need the truth the most...another bunny trail for another blog.

My new found freedom in questioning what I once learned has lead me to someone who smokes weed (See blog “A God Set Up”). I ask a lot of questions he found out. Not because I am enticed by the effects of it, but because I am interested in just learning another point of view. If I learned one thing well in the last few years, it is that there is some truth in everything. I like to seek it out and point it out to others. To bring perspective and clarity.

My seeking and asking has just lead me to more seeking and reading and watching. I have now been introduced to The Joe Rogan Experience and his two hour interview with Graham Hancock who talked about many interesting topics but also DMT, weed and Ayahuasca. I have now searched out and read about Ayahuasca on the internet. I have even watched the movie Growing Op. No, I have not tried weed, nor do I ever plan on it but I have come to an understanding of it. And that is what all this is about. 

The thing that struck me the most was Graham Hancock's explanation of the hallucinogenic drink Ayahuasca used in the Amazon. He continued to refer to it as if it had a personality. He said it is possible to ‘ask her for something’. He described that partaking of Ayahuasca should be done as a spiritual experience and “it is nearly always said that people experience profound positive changes in their life subsequent to consuming ayahuasca”. “People who have consumed ayahuasca report having deep insight as how to be the best person they possibly can. This is viewed by many as a spiritual awakening and what's often described as a rebirth.” - Wikipedia 

I had been wondering about all this for days. I knew I would never consume it but there was nothing in its description that sent up red flags as to why I shouldn’t either. Then suddenly it hit me. The way it was describe by Mr. Hancock as a person I realized that it was a counter to Holy Spirit! If there is something that can take the place of God in our lives, and there will be an Anti-christ in the end days then of course there has to also be a counter for Holy Spirit. I actually did discuss this revelation with a local phycologist and he agreed that I was right on with my deduction. It is not so much an escape to partake in these kinds of things, all though it can be. It is rather a desire for more. A desire to find and touch something bigger than ourselves. A desire to overcome the parts of us we hate and become a better person.

Holy Spirit is described as the third person in the trinity of the Godhead. An entity with his own personality and function. “He” is the one who shows us the wrongs in our lives and directs us to be better people. It is in the accepting of Jesus as the Son of God and the subsequent indwelling of Holy Spirit in us when we do believe that is called being “born again”. It is this experience that brings meaning to many peoples lives. An inner joy, peace and contentment, even the feeling of being loved are all ways people have described the rebirth experience. This experience is life time lasting. Even in all that I have been through and described in this blog, or even complained about and questioned, underlying it all is still a hope that keeps me from complete desperation and hopelessness. 

Of course as I understand more I desire more. When I was a new christian the newness in itself was enough. 20+ years later and I desire deeper relationship with God and His people and world. I do desire the overwhelming experience of His joy and love for me. It’s possible for Him to give us those experiences.  There are a few I have experienced I have not yet shared in this forum. Perhaps I will. There is tell of amazing displays of Gods goodness and love in the lives of Mystics. One book to read about that topic would be John Crowders book, The New Mystics. http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Workers-Reformers-New-Mystics/dp/0768423503

What have you experienced of God? Weather it be upon your first accepting Him as your God or since then? Do not think any experience is small or insignificant! God is a good God and will show up and most likely has shown up in your life and made Himself known to you. Share with the rest of us to encourage us and to encourage yourself.

I would love to hear about what you have experienced of God.

Twenty-somethings and Hiding

Funny, how life is sometimes. Who enters your life at certain times, for seasons or for longer.

I have been bored these last few weeks. Sitting at home doing the minimal of housework, cooking, mostly driving kids around, watching T.V too, or surfing the net...mostly Facebook really. Just plain bored. I told someone the other day that I have no vision. No future aspirations, no hope for something bigger or better to come my way. That was all stripped away with every hospital visit, doctor appointment, cast, surgery and late bill statement. I have and still do just plod along in day to day stuff because I don't know what else to do. Even my desire and love for crafty things is gone. I haven't scrap-booked in over 5 years. My last painting was done 3 years ago. I don't crochet, because I have enough scarves and that's all I know how to make. I haven't sewn anything productive besides fixing a hole or adding an elastic to something in over a year either. I don't know where my enjoyment in those things went, it's just gone.

Enter the Twenty-somethings into my life.
Recently over the last year or two I have had the enjoyment of a few young women enter my life. They come mostly from different backgrounds, but all have the same hope. Christ, and a better future than the path they were on was previously leading them. For some unknown reason they seem to keep coming back to me. I'm pretty sure I have more "cool" friends now then I ever did in all my years growing up. I'm finding it strange, and fascinating. I'm not much different now from my younger, "ugly duckling", unconfident self. I am often struck with wonder at why these beautiful, popular, and take charge young women willingly choose to spend time with me. Sometimes even often! It's fun though having friends who are 20 years my junior; in an awkward kind of way. It's like I am getting a chance to re-live some years with them I never had when I was their age. But still, down right baffling.

(A switch of gears here, I feel I now need to be much more revealing and am already feeling hesitant. I have only exposed some of this to one person so far, and am embarrassed that I have shared any of my inner self with anyone.)

I am now at a loss for words. I want to be forthcoming. I'm not the type to lie or deceive, but if I can hide I will; from others, but also from myself. I don't like knowing how stupid, immature, and self centred I can be. No one likes to look at them selves in the mirror when they are at their most ugly. Funny how we as humans can think others don't see that part of us. Often times, they do and just don't say anything....and sometimes they do. Just like the other day, when one of those amazing young women told me I have been acting rather childish towards God lately. Ouch!

I'm not mad, or hurt at all. I'm sad that I have been that way. I've been rebellious at heart and actually I still want to be. I want to hide. From myself, from the disappointment I feel towards where I am in life, from who I was before I was fully trampled by circumstances. I want to run from the possibility that this is all my life will amount to; over due bills, a house that we can't upkeep, the string of second hand vehicles that keep breaking down and costing so much money. Lack, lack, lack. I want to hide from my kids when I hear or see something that reminds me of how bad a parent I was when they were younger. I want to hide from friends because I am feeling that I can be too much. Not in a way that my life's circumstances are too much for them to deal with anymore, but from the feeling that I can be too clingy and needy for their attention. I'm working my hardest to not let on that I'm like that too. Or, I could just be over reacting to these new relationships. Friendships, deep ones, are very new to me and figuring out what is right or wrong to do, appropriate or inappropriate to feel in friendships can be confusing to the heart when encountered for the first time. This is stuff that kids learn on playgrounds and schoolyards. Not the stuff that is learned in your early 40's for pete's sake. Yet, here I am. And I want to hide from that fact too. I want to hide from God as well. It's impossible I know. But if I stay just out of reach enough....maybe I'll blend into the woodwork and coast through life without any more trampling or pain.

That's never going to happen. I too deeply want my life to be more than that! More than it has been. I want to matter to others. I want to have a friend who can't live without me, instead of it being me who can't live without them. I want to have adventure, to take risks and win for a change. I want to be able to not look back at some part of my life and not feel regretful or cheated. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that I hear others say they have, where they hear Him and feel Holy Spirit in a tangible way. Where He tells me stuff, good stuff. I want to be on the inside with God, not the outside fringes. It is a constant war internally between wanting to hide, and wanting to be in the center of it all, not left out. I guess when you get down to it I want to be in the least painful place I could be. Neither option is it. Both come with their own set of hurts and painful circumstances. And so, I want to hide from even making that choice.

I re-read a blog posting of a friend, which is really what started me to write tonight. It was an eye opening view. To see the struggle of a promising young women who pulled herself out of some bad life patterns. Comparatively to see her now living such a beautiful life in deep relationship with Christ. It is easy to see from this side of things how all her difficulties and worries, all valid are mere speed bumps or detours on a road to success in everything she does, no matter which path she takes. Our lives were so different, our paths so completely opposite. I wonder how someone who made all the safe choices in life could end up so desperately wishing that she hadn't. So strongly wishing she had taken (or could) a path like this young women had traveled for a time and is now out of. Wishing to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident with her abilities. Motivated to change, to step out and take a risk now, forgetting about the fear of failure and instead grasping the excitement of something new and fun. Instead I want to still hide. Hide from failure, embarrassment, and fear. To hide from the person I want to be, but do not have the courage and confidence to be.

  So really. Why do these twenty-somethings want to hang out with me?!!?

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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Helping Others

This is a quick follow up to last weeks blog. With no money in the banks, and no money coming for over a week (from last Thursday) things were and still are desperate. I really have no idea how people with very little income or who are on social assistance do this every day, month after month and year after year.  I have had the huge but guilty blessing of having two of our children working. It's the teens in the house who are the "bread winners" at the moment. Not that their part time pay cheques go far in the sight of our dismal situation, but they have been big helps.
Last weekend our oldest daughter filled the gas tank. That was huge for us. With kids to take to or pick up from work at odd hours it's been a benefit to them. But to be able to interview for a job or get to the normal things like a doctors appointment or church it has helped keep moral up to not be stranded. This weekend it was our second child, my 16 year old son who bought gas. He also bought a big apple pie from Costco to take to a pot luck on sunday. That way we didn't feel guilty about going without food in hand to contribute. That would just not be comfortable at all, six of us showing up without food expecting everyone else to feed us. I'd not go rather than do that. BUT, my favourite 22 year old was getting baptized yesterday and I just had to be there to participate. Our youngest daughter ended up getting baptized too. What a great day it was indeed! Thanks in part to my sons generosity in purchasing a huge pie.
Another huge blessing came from one of my readers. I was more than surprised to get a phone call telling us that an anonymous donor had come forward and purchased for us six days worth of dinners from a new local business in town. Not a wealthy person, but a regular person who just felt the need to be a blessing and help where he/she saw a need. That is exactly what Christ called us to do, love one another. Love is way more than the touchy feely hugs you get from friends or family. No, love is way more tangible then that. It's stepping up to the plate and doing something, being physically there, crying when another cries, rejoicing when there is something to rejoice over, and pitching in when it's needed too.
I did not write last weeks blog in hopes of manipulating anyone to give us money or buy us stuff. I could never do that with a clear conscience. I often hide things so that I don't look needy (note the above story of the pie). I did write and I will continue to write because I know I am a voice that needs to be heard. To stir people up to think of others, think of the situations behind the smiling faces you meet everyday. There is a hurting world right in front of our eyes. It doesn't take much for any one to end up where we currently are. We just happened to have experienced it more frequently then most due to major illnesses causing job loss, income loss, or financial strain in some way, including but not limited to the need to move a thousand miles again. This is not something we are willing to do again by the way. We have all had it with moving.
No, I write partly to help me process my thoughts. Keep things clear and navigate through them less blindly. I also write to seek answers. There are lots of people, Christ-followers, who have encountered difficult times. Some of them need to know that difficult times happen to all of us. Some need to know that those difficult times do give rise to questions, including questions about our beliefs. God's not going to strike you dead if you feel yourself less faithful, or questioning your belief in a good God. I've been questioning His love for me and His goodness to me now for nearly a year. I know I'm not perfect, but maybe some of the ideas I've held onto about God are incorrect in the first place. If I don't question them, test them, then how will I ever find out, or change them if they are wrong?
That is why I write. Not to complain about my situation, though it might come across that way to the casual reader. Of course my current situation is what is squeezing me. And ya know what they say, You can only tell what's on the inside when you squeeze it and the inside comes out. The repeated squeezing has finally broken my outer casing and what is really on the inside of me is coming out. I am questioning weather what's inside is strong enough, and true enough to keep me stable and hold me up. Is it a true foundation that can support the structure God needs me to be?
My guess is NO, it's not. Which means I've got some changing of mind sets and tearing down of lies to do. Not an easy task, and not something someone can do for you. No three point sermon will ever help me do that. This is a solitary journey that I must make alone. It just so happens I'm inviting you along for the ride.

Thank you to the donator of food! And to Dinner Ease of Fredericton, Nb. This gift you both have so selflessly given has been a bright spot in a dreary week where nothing else good happened.
If any of you living here in Fredericton know of the needs of someone else consider DinnerEase and purchase them a pre-prepared meal that can be delivered. Gift baskets are even available.  Visit their web site at http://dinnerease.ca/welcome.html for a look at what they offer.

Also, please consider contributing to your local food bank where ever you live. Having just visited there last Tuesday has opened my eyes to the lack of food and the poor quality of food often donated. Mushrooms that I would have thrown out because they were too old, and one box of cereal for a family of 4 school aged kids, and a once a month limit on food hampers because they are so low in donations. I was appalled! Once we have an income again we will definitely be purchasing an extra item or two of good quality food to donate to the food bank. Being poor should not mean also being unhealthy because of a lack of good food options. We live in a country and an economy that has excess of everything, and an abundance of good healthy food choices. I want others to benefit from what's around them. The poor of Canada should not have to eat like they live in the third world when we as average citizens with meagre incomes can do something about it. It's together that we can make a big difference.