God Encounter

I love God encounters. Unfortunately I have found they don’t come often, or last long. My experience has been one of frustration regarding this area. I use to have God encounters often a few years ago. Back before our church kind of fell apart. I still miss those days. Those were the days when I had people of faith loving me for who I was and what I was becoming as if they were one and the same. I felt loved and validated, so I was able to feel that love from God too. It was easy then to just be in His presence and experience Him. 

My experiences of feeling His presence included whole body trembling. It was not so visible from the outside, but internally I felt like I was on continual Vibrate. Once it lasted three whole days, until I literally couldn't take it anymore and asked God to stop. It still happened from time to time after that, just not as long as that time. But it also happened fewer and farther between until I just never seemed to sense His physical manifestations anymore. 

The last one I can recall I wrote about here in this blog. I had gone for a random roaming in the car with my friend. She controlled the playlist and I drove. By the time we got back to the city I was drunk in the spirit and not driving safely anymore. When we arrived at her place I literally crawled into her kitchen and laid laughing on the floor. I couldn't go anywhere. I was enjoying every second of the spiritual drunkenness. It was a first time for me, and never having been drunk on alcohol before this was truly a first. It ended abruptly when I was told to quiet down…my first spiritual drunk was squelched by someone I thought would understand and would have grace to let me enjoy it. I left feeling deflated by her instead of built up and encouraged by His encounter. That was three years ago perhaps….and the last physical manifestation of God I have experienced, until last weekend.

Fast forward to Valentines Weekend 2015. My husband and I were away for the weekend out of town at a lovely hotel. Snowed in on Sunday we literally just hung out resting most of the day. Sometime before dinner I turned on my computer to WorshipMob on Youtube and watched their version of Say Something. It is a song that will stop you in your tracks and arrest your heart. It is powerful! It is also very beautifully sung. Such emotion in the voices. I let the music and the words penetrate me. I felt them. I associated with them. And I worshiped Him. 

After listening to that song at least three times I moved on to a few of their other covers, Oceans was one. Another powerful song when you listen to the words. And I felt them deeply. Then I became aware that I was twitching and shaking. A physical manifestation of Gods presence, finally! This was not a self induced reaction, but it was a familiar reaction for me. The feeling caused me to wiggle, or twitch. My body was reacting like I was being gently kicked in the stomach and I was reacting in slow motion. I couldn't stop it if I wanted. I can't make myself do it, not the same anyway. And when Gods presence rests on you it is not something you want to go away, or try to reproduce on your own. It’s often different for each person how He responds to you and in you. That’s the best I can do to describe it. It's wonderful and intimate. 

I had SUCH revelation while I worshiped and enjoyed His weight on me. I wrote a friend later trying to described it, but I just couldn’t do it justice in such a short description.

Specifically when I was listening to Oceans (originally by Hillsong United) I was most moved by these lyrics….

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour

These words just brought me to a realization that I, having sung them many times before, fully asking God with all my heart to do exactly this. To take me to new places, where I have no preconceived ideas of what to expect. To take me in places I would never think to wander myself....and here I am, doing just that!

My revelation was not done!

Here is what I wrote (and I’ll probably add for clarification) to my friend later that night.

“A surprising evening connecting with God tonight with some really meaningful worship music.

I did not feel condemned, which I suspected I would seeing as I’ve pulled myself away from most church related activities. I did not feel wrong, sinful, judged or anything negative at all. Quiet the opposite in fact! I felt the lack of resistance because of the music and therefore more open to Him. And more moved by Holy Spirit. I actually had a physical manifestation of His presence. A gentle shaking that came and went. I’ve had that same reaction to Him before. I felt like I was being affirmed that I was on exactly the right path for my life. Heading the right way. It’s not the path or direction any regular church goer would ever understand. In fact all of them would probably assume I am further from God than I ever have been before.

Most similar image to what I saw in my vision.

No! This is a mountain top experience! This is revelation! I am at a new vantage point in which I can see others the same way Jesus see us. He does not look at us with lenses or filters at all, except the filter of His shed blood, the lens or His Fathers love. I too can now see others from above, from His vantage point, and without the lenses dictated by society, or denomination, or even culture. I can see humanity in its purity. without spot or wrinkly. And we are perfect!”

I haven't been able to force myself to sit and worship for a long time. This evening it just came naturally. With no effort at all. Feeling His presence physically also came without me trying. Before it was usually something I strived for, to earn or to stretch for, hoping that if I was just maybe good enough in the last week, or honest hearted enough maybe I would sense Him in some way. For the first time it happened without the ache of trying, or striving, or the mental anguish of, “I’m not worthy”. For the first time it just came because I had stopped trying. I stopped resisting. The negative speak in my head had stopped weeks ago, so nothing was telling me I couldn't do it…but instead I was lost in the moment and just was…and then He showed up!

We are all the same.

One day I had someone tell me I was just like everyone else.
It stung.
Not because they were being harsh, or putting me down, but because they were right.
I am just like everyone else. I was noticing this on my own before being told, and that's why the statement stung for so long.

Once, a long time ago I would have never admitted it publicly but I thought of myself as better then some. You know the ones. The ones whose sin or misguided judgement was obvious and in your face. As obvious as blatant sexual perversities,  lewdness, or drunkenness. Even, dare I say, as innocent as bad hygiene or dental habits! Of course I was better then they were, I thought. I had it together. I was clean, tidy, had all my teeth, and they were straight. I was polite and impure thoughts just didn't enter my mind. I was never lewd, rude or out of control. By human standards I was a "good" person.
What a fool I was!
All those things are surface stuff. Just extensions or outward signs of what is in the heart. But I had stuff, and still do, that I was unwilling to admit then. Stuff I'd be hard pressed to admit openly now except to say that I am not perfect and I know it.

What lead me, and leads most of us to assume some are better then others? It is the humanness in us that judges based on degrees of good or bad. The human assumption that murder is worse then rape. But murder and rape are WAY worse then gossip. Yet all are deemed as sin according to the Old Testament. All sin is equal to God. All sin hides us from His sight. Creates a barrier between He and we, and between each other. It stops the flow of His love, and can even create hate within us. Hate in our hearts towards another is just as bad as murder according to The New Testament.
So if I judge another human as unworthy or less then me I am walking in sin just by the mere act of judging.
Romans 2: 16 says,  'God, by Jesus Christ will judge men in regard to the things which they conceal'. Yet we also read that He bore our sins upon Himself. He took the judgement for us,bearing the blame and the consequence of all our sins against Him and against each other. His judgement was to take our judgement and let us off scotch free! That is so amazing that no selfish, blame-finding human could have thought of it. Only a God of mercy would conceive such a crazy plan and pull it off.
So, where I thought I was better then others I was just the same.

Where I would hope to have shed some of my imperfect humanness I was only ignoring it and focusing on another's imperfect humanness. Degrees may be different, but the motive or cause is the same. The obviousness of my sin may be less visible to others because of my walls, but I was no less in the wrong.
We are ALL the same. Every one of us, in spite of our individualities and uniqueness.
But there is HOPE! If we are all the same in our wrongs, we are also all the same in our forgiveness! Each one of us is forgiven the same. No one can be excluded from the club. No one can excuse themselves from the removal of our sins. Not one of us can do a single thing to make God not forgive us, because it is done all ready! Not one of us can do anything to earn more forgiveness than another person. It is all equal. Christ's blood was spilt for all of us, not one excluded, not one more covered than another. We are all the same, all made equal in His sacrifice.
So, I might not always be able to be in control of my thoughts, emotions, or even my words. I am mighty thankful that should my limited human efforts to keep in check according to how I think I should act, or be that His grace and mercy are available to cover up my multitude of sins when I can't . He has done the same for you too already, without your permission. He didn't need your permission to forgive you. You just only need to accept this fact. It's the kind of thing that could change your life forever if you let it.
It's free, it's good, and its already yours, and mine!
Thank God, cuz there are some days I'm a mess!

By Request

For every action there is a reaction. For every cause, an effect. For every thing there is also a counter, or an opposite. 

This is taught on Sesame Street as well as in Public schools from Daycare right through to High School. We learn the opposite of up is down and in is out. We learn that Math has opposites, Science has opposites, even politics have opposites, and counters to the opposition. Music and art have primary and secondary and opposites to the primary’s and secondaries! There is no shortage of opposites for as the saying goes, “Opposites attract”! 

If you have ever read of heard anything about the Bible than you would have probably heard that there is also a Christ and an opposite to Christ, the Anti-christ. Christ’s exact opposite. Both are mentioned often in the books of Daniel and Isaiah, but mostly Revelation. Where Christ leads by example, truth, love, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy the Anti-christ will dominate by fear, heavy handedness, lies and deceit. He will promise one thing but give you another. This is as simplistic an explanation as this non-theologian can come up with now. If it behooves you, please study these books. They are rather interesting, intense and as it is with Revelation, the only book of the Bible that comes with a promise of blessing for those who just read it. Not understanding it, just reading it brings blessing. I digress...

I am by no means a student of phycology, a theologian, or anything else that matters to people of status in society. I am on the other hand a person who watches, listens and deeply cares for and about others. Some people, for some reason, God allows me the privilege of getting to know. Sometimes it is to learn and grow from them. Other times it is to be a blessing to them in some way. This is why this topic I am attempting to broach is before me now. 

So, with my little explanation of opposites in the back of your mind I’m going to just jump right in because I don’t know how else to start this topic. I’ve danced around it now far too long and attempted to write several times all with the result of deleting anything typed.

As every “Christian” knows there are sins in life to be avoided. Promiscuous behavior, alcohol, smoking, cursing, gambling, drugs of any kind and gluttony. When all is said and done, it is anything that takes the place of God in your life that is really the sin. Anything that would consume your resources of time, thoughts, money, respect, and reverence. A lot of things can and do fit in that category, for christians and non-christians alike. I have recently begun to question some of the “do nots” I learned as a new believer over 20 years ago. Like “do not drink” and the more subtle secondary rules that I somehow learned by fear, “do not associate with drinkers, or those who do drugs”.

I’m not sure what was more scary. The idea that they might harm me due to their addictions, or somehow trick me into also becoming addicted! It’s all very silly now when I think about it because Jesus regularly hung out with “sinners”. It was for them He came for to release from their addictions, their sufferings, their heart aches, and their sicknesses. It is very sad that now a large portion of christians cut themselves off from those who need the truth the most...another bunny trail for another blog.

My new found freedom in questioning what I once learned has lead me to someone who smokes weed (See blog “A God Set Up”). I ask a lot of questions he found out. Not because I am enticed by the effects of it, but because I am interested in just learning another point of view. If I learned one thing well in the last few years, it is that there is some truth in everything. I like to seek it out and point it out to others. To bring perspective and clarity.

My seeking and asking has just lead me to more seeking and reading and watching. I have now been introduced to The Joe Rogan Experience and his two hour interview with Graham Hancock who talked about many interesting topics but also DMT, weed and Ayahuasca. I have now searched out and read about Ayahuasca on the internet. I have even watched the movie Growing Op. No, I have not tried weed, nor do I ever plan on it but I have come to an understanding of it. And that is what all this is about. 

The thing that struck me the most was Graham Hancock's explanation of the hallucinogenic drink Ayahuasca used in the Amazon. He continued to refer to it as if it had a personality. He said it is possible to ‘ask her for something’. He described that partaking of Ayahuasca should be done as a spiritual experience and “it is nearly always said that people experience profound positive changes in their life subsequent to consuming ayahuasca”. “People who have consumed ayahuasca report having deep insight as how to be the best person they possibly can. This is viewed by many as a spiritual awakening and what's often described as a rebirth.” - Wikipedia 

I had been wondering about all this for days. I knew I would never consume it but there was nothing in its description that sent up red flags as to why I shouldn’t either. Then suddenly it hit me. The way it was describe by Mr. Hancock as a person I realized that it was a counter to Holy Spirit! If there is something that can take the place of God in our lives, and there will be an Anti-christ in the end days then of course there has to also be a counter for Holy Spirit. I actually did discuss this revelation with a local phycologist and he agreed that I was right on with my deduction. It is not so much an escape to partake in these kinds of things, all though it can be. It is rather a desire for more. A desire to find and touch something bigger than ourselves. A desire to overcome the parts of us we hate and become a better person.

Holy Spirit is described as the third person in the trinity of the Godhead. An entity with his own personality and function. “He” is the one who shows us the wrongs in our lives and directs us to be better people. It is in the accepting of Jesus as the Son of God and the subsequent indwelling of Holy Spirit in us when we do believe that is called being “born again”. It is this experience that brings meaning to many peoples lives. An inner joy, peace and contentment, even the feeling of being loved are all ways people have described the rebirth experience. This experience is life time lasting. Even in all that I have been through and described in this blog, or even complained about and questioned, underlying it all is still a hope that keeps me from complete desperation and hopelessness. 

Of course as I understand more I desire more. When I was a new christian the newness in itself was enough. 20+ years later and I desire deeper relationship with God and His people and world. I do desire the overwhelming experience of His joy and love for me. It’s possible for Him to give us those experiences.  There are a few I have experienced I have not yet shared in this forum. Perhaps I will. There is tell of amazing displays of Gods goodness and love in the lives of Mystics. One book to read about that topic would be John Crowders book, The New Mystics. http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Workers-Reformers-New-Mystics/dp/0768423503

What have you experienced of God? Weather it be upon your first accepting Him as your God or since then? Do not think any experience is small or insignificant! God is a good God and will show up and most likely has shown up in your life and made Himself known to you. Share with the rest of us to encourage us and to encourage yourself.

I would love to hear about what you have experienced of God.

What's Your Gait?

I heard a story the other day from a friend. His brother had once forgotten his walk for about two weeks. It’s baffling, but looked rather funny to my friend to see his brother walk funny until he re-established his normal gait. As he told me the story I was imagining the double bounce walk Mickey Mouse does. Works well for Mickey but looks completely ridiculous on a human. 

Strange. How does one forget their normal gait? It seems impossible. A quick search on the internet shows it is a common occurrence within the late stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Brain damage can cause the same effect, to forget how to walk. But those have real physical reasons for losing not just normal gait but eventually how to walk altogether, and sometimes suddenly. No my friends brother was not ill but a strong young man at the time. And he did eventually regain his normal gait. 

I joked with my friend that I was smart, I hadn’t lost my walk. 

Today I forced myself to get out the door and go for a walk again. I’ve just started a healthy habit of walking in the morning. See, I could stand to lose a few more than just a few pounds but I also am in need of strengthening my legs. Having injured both my knees a year ago I did a lot of sitting. It is time for a change. Walking still hurts if I’m not careful. Small inclines are worse than flat terrain. I get home 40 minutes later out of breath and feeling like I accomplished something to my benefit. 

Plus, I get to think uninterrupted for those 40 minutes. 

I had been recently asked what my passions were and I had nothing come to mind at all. I could remember old passions that died over time due to lack of money, lack of opportunity, and just plain death of my own desires and hopes because of the stresses of my crisis filled life. It was recommended to me to go for walks to talk with God and re-discover my passions. The idea brought back memories. That was one thing I did love to do back in my home town as a young Christian. I would go for walks along the escarpment listening to the birds, looking at the shapes of leaves, the sunset, and the city below. I loved to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet in the fall and see the raccoons in the trees in spring. That was a quiet time with God. The only quiet time I had alone, and I would just marvel at His creation and how amazing it and He was. 

So, my journey of walking began again.

My vision and understanding of things has deepened over the years. I can now see connections and things God is trying to highlight for me to follow better than I could as a young teenager. Today my walk had me enjoying the sights of the beautiful walking paths but also mulling two seemingly disconnected thoughts. I had been told I’d forgotten how to do things like Jenn would do them and I needed to do them like Jenn would. As I mulled this statement, which I realized was more true than I’d like to admit I also thought of my friends brother forgetting his own walk.

 Forehead slap!

 I had forgotten my own spiritual gait! I had lost it and was trying out a different way of walking that was unnatural to me, but I was trying desperately to make it fit. I was even beginning to get use to the feeling of the new walk, even if it did make me look silly. I knew it made me look silly. I could see it in the eyes of one of my children, and in the face of grace of one of my friends as she just let me. Most didn’t notice my gait had changed. I’m not sure if I was trying to keep it a secret or if I was even that successful at hiding it from anyone else.

I’m the one who has forgotten my gait!

  I am suspecting that my previous spiritual gait heavily relied on a crutch of some kind. Religious parameters that I understood and lived by because I was told it was the right thing to do. I find it easy to live by black and white, right and wrong parameters. It gives structure and security to me. Since losing many of those man made rules of religion I have felt lost. Little is left to lean on. I do feel unsteady, left open and exposed, and unsafe. I have nothing to hide behind, or rely on to guide me. If nothing is wrong, or unlawful but I’ve live most of my life as though they were, where does that leave me except to think that what I lived was a lie. 

Now what?

How do I walk now that the structure I used to hold on to has been removed from me? Of course my gait is going to be off, unsteady, silly looking even! My legs are weak from lack of use for so long. I’m not so sure how to stand on my own two feet, relying on something that is less structured. Part of me wants to find out what I’ve missed for so many years. Who I would have been without the crutch. Another part of me just wants the old parameters back. My gait is liable to be off for a little while longer still as I figure out what’s safe to hold on to and what’s not. What will give me support and what restricts me. What was really me, and what was the crutch I relied on for so long. 

So, what do I do with the God instructions to “do things like Jenn would do them”?

I know I have to relearn my walk, but I’m not convinced it will look exactly the way it did before. I am hopeful that it will eventually be stronger and more powerful than it once was. Just like I’m hoping this physical act of walking regularly will increase my stamina and over all strength. For now, the stride is short and slow. My footsteps are unsure and clumsy. My knees can even give out on me causing some pain. There is an internal struggle to know which path to take, to figure out how best to get where I’m going. I think I need to just focus on the fact that the best sign is that I’m up and off my butt. I’m moving on my own steam and without the old crutch. Forwards or backwards. It’s all movement that will only serve to strengthen some unused muscles.

I will regain a functioning gait.