Dear Katie

Received this message on my Facebook Timeline this morning.

This is my long response...

Katie:

I am at a lose for words….but maybe as I write I can force my mind to form into words the emotions your thoughtful post has evoked!

First of all, I think the me you saw all those years ago was not nearly as stressed out as I eventually got. I am so thankful for our friendship, your love and your prayers! It was one of the best decisions in my life to fly you into Winnipeg to help after Rose was born. I remember wishing you could just live with us forever. You were so helpful and the kids loved you so much.

My experience sounds a little similar to the shows plot line. At the time we found out Rebekah had OI I too had faith that God would only give me what I could handle. And to His glory by the time she was born the broken femur that was bent in her first ultrasound was straight with no outward sign there had been a fracture before birth. The x-rays confirmed the healed fracture. Genetic counselling was given so we understood the odds were 50% for each child to be born with Brittle Bones. But other than the first appointment to diagnosis both Rebekah(3mos) and Larry(30yrs) we never sought out anything further during each pregnancy because abortion was NEVER an option for us. My mother on the other hand was the only one who suggested that I shouldn’t have anymore babies because of the disorder, though she never suggested abortion either….it was a painful conversation that still upsets me to this day (Bekah is now 21).

Every life has value and a purpose. Every encounter we each have with others in this life is an opportunity to shape the other. It is our choice if we will allow that interaction to make us better or worse for it.

I don’t think, looking back now, that I was overwhelmed because I had four children with Brittle Bone Disorder or because my husband had multiple heart surgeries. I was overwhelmed because of the lack of good relationships in my life that would allow me to speak, be heard, feel valued, and important and like a contributing part of society. Having other mothers, grandmothers and women in general not want to ask me how I was, back away from me even was very lonely.  Not being offered help, not being available to be a shoulder to cry on, not speaking encouragement or life into me and who I was as a wife, mother or woman is where the hurt came in. 

So if I was to speak of anything that is hard, or overwhelming in life in general it is not the physical demands of being a parent to children who have special care requirements. Those things can be tiring, challenging, and frustrating….sometimes even exhausting. But it is the lack  of emotional support that hurts, harms and ultimately defeats a parent, any parent, any person. Feeling alone in the world, especially when you have to deal with difficult situations is the true illness of society. Being a christian I probably held other christians to a higher standard. One which they all failed, regardless of where I lived. With a few brief exceptions. In Winnipeg my best friend was Sikh and not a christian at all. The two years I lived beside her were the best years in Winnipeg, because I finally had a friend with whom I could talk about anything. She was not afraid to hear about the things I found challenging and had to deal with for the health of my family. And I was able to do the same for her. I dearly loved her and wish I could find her as we lost contact with all our moves.

Another example of the lack of support happened early in my life. At 16 I worked for a year with a little boy who was legally deaf, blind and had Cerebral Palsy. He was sweet and his mother very kind. By the time I was in my 20’s the news broke one day of their murder suicide. She was overwhelmed by the lack of help, especially as he was aging out of the system as he approached 18. It was a very sad story and was difficult for me having actually known them years ago. 

The lack of emotional help offered to me as a parent through the Shriners Hospitals has also concerned me over the years. No one knew I was depressed for all those years, nor would I admit it to myself, because ya know, as a christian I was support to be happy. And obviously my faith was not strong enough or else my family would have been healed! But not once was I ever asked how I was coping with four children, and a husband who had health issues. Not once was I asked if I wanted to talk about it. Nor was it suggested that I see a counsellor but my family physician or the Social Workers at any of the hospitals we would grace the floors of during some crisis or other. 

So, my big question is, who is taking care of the carers? Who is seeking to befriend them? Who is loving them and supporting them. Treating them like normal humans with a need and desire for relationships other than doctor/patient/caregiver connections? Who is checking on them and how they are doing? I had no one, literally for years on end. My life was too overwhelming for others to consider being friends with me. But friendships, or mentorships would have made a huge difference in my life. The church fell very short of loving one another in my case….how many other women are sitting in pews and chairs feeling unnoticed, unimportant, overwhelmed, and unloved? 

This is why I have no use for putting myself in those seats ever again. But also why I want to be a mentor and to love on the young women who will let me love them in my life.

Jenn

Lessons Learned Through the Trenches

God does the most unusual things sometimes!

So, much to my husbands dislike awhile back I had accepted a friend on Facebook from my past. High school in fact. Some guy I went on a date with once.
I must have liked him. I have since found I had put a star beside his picture in my school yearbook. Grade ten.  He says we saw Ghostbusters. I thought he was a different guy with the same first name. When I realized it wasn't I thought he was another guy I knew, also the same first name. I'm so ridiculous! I felt real badly that I didn't remember the date. He had contacted me to actually apologize for dumping me after that first and only date. I forgave him, but what I fool I felt for not remembering him!
I guess that also means I wasn't completely devastated that he dumped me.  I could go on about my unlovely teenage years, and the many heartaches I did suffer....but I'm going to stick to the topic, GOD's amazingly weird sense of humour!

So, apologies given, and forgiveness received. That was that. Or so I thought.

The other night, midnight my time he messages me on Facebook. Want's to ask me a question.  I got nervous. Had a weird thing happen on Facebook less than five years ago....Thankfully his question was not weird. In fact it was ridiculously surprising! He had seen from some of my status updates that I was a christian. So this was his question...
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions for someone who has had a falling out with the Big guy?"

Well! Knock me over with a feather! That was definitely a great and unexpected, but lovely question! Unfortunately it was asked at a late hour. So I did respond a bit and he admitted I got his brain churning, but sleep was calling, cuz us 'over 40's' just can't stay up all night like we could when we were young.

My response was basically that even if he felt like he had a falling out with God, God was still right there beside him. God had never gone anywhere, only my friend thought He had. That's common
really in situations where we pull away from God. It makes us feel like God is across a great chasm and it is too difficult to reach Him again. But in reality, though we are blind to the spirit world around us, God never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is always faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to Him. God makes big promises, and He never breaks them!  

So, since our conversation got cut short due to the late hour I thought I would try to respond a bit more here with what's been on my heart since. My friend and his wife can read this weird little blog I started and see how I have struggled but continue to pursue God anyway. In spite of the anger, disappointment and lack of support I have had and still deal with sometimes.

Things I have learned over the last few years keep me coming back to God, and not giving up. Like, for instance, just because we don't understand the "answer" doesn't mean God broke a promise, or isn't with us. It means we don't see everything from His perspective, like He does. And, just because Gods people don't know how to react, or respond, or even love us the way we need during and after a crisis doesn't mean God is rejecting us. All it means is people don't know how to respond. They are fallible people, just like me. I don't know everything, am not a mind reader, and in some cases have not been taught how to respond to some situations others might be dealing with. This is where I need to grow in grace towards them. I have to choose to not be offended when someone does not respond towards me how I expect them to respond to me. 

Something I have also come to realize. Todays culture and societal norms do not prepare us to walk through tough life issues with others over long periods of time. For instance. The first time my husband had heart surgery he was in hospital for two whole months. When he did finally returned
home, he was weak and under weight, but he was alive! We had three small kids at the time, aged from 5 months to 4.5 years old. The first few weeks of his hospitalization I had casserole dishes and meals piled in the freezer. We had visitors to the hospital and cards too wishing my husband a speedy recovery. Then when he got home no one visited, no one called, and no one brought over prepared meals. But this was the hardest time for me! My mother who looked after the kids during the hospital stay was now gone home so I was left to look after all three kids myself AND after my husband who had very little strength to do much but eat and sit and dress himself. Plus I had the house to keep up, bills to do (with much less income on sick leave), and daily chores like groceries or laundry. At first my hubby could not even watch the kids by himself. I was way more in need of help when he got home just like when he first went in hospital. But I never told anyone that. And no one asked. 

We had been the flavour of the month at church. Then suddenly no one was there to help. But they didn't know I still needed it. Only someone who has endured a long battle emotionally, or physically would understand just how long the battle really is! It's not really over when you put on aires and show up to church with smiles on you're faces. Sometimes that's only the half way marker, or not even that! Sometimes it's just easier to pull away and not say anything.
But God created us to be in community with one another. So when someone doesn't know, we must ask for the help. We must open our mouths and say we are not happy, we are depressed, we are struggling with our faith or we are too tired to fight anymore, or we need help putting food on the table! If we don't then we are not giving others the opportunity of being a blessing to us. Or the blessing of learning how to walk through a difficult time in another persons life. These are character building times, for us but also for the outsiders who don't know any better. 

Yes, this above is giving the benefit of the doubt that people are naturally good at heart and want to help. I have also experienced people literally backing away from me as I tried to answer their question of how I was. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed by their own life troubles and honestly don't want to "deal" with someone else's stuff. That's fair too. I've been there myself. Doesn't make it feel any better when you are in desperate need of support though. 


So that is the time it would be wise to turn to God and bury your head into His chest and let Him
support you. (I'm speaking to myself here...this is good advice!) Tell Him all your fears, and hurts, and needs. Tell Him you are mad, or sad, or broke, or desperate for normal...whatever that is. Tell Him! He is a great big God, He can handle our emotions. He is not afraid of us getting angry, or angry at Him. He is not shaken by our fears, or lack of faith.  When our small children come to us afraid, or heart broken, or mad at us a good parent does not turn them away and say get your act together! No! We turn to our children, gather them up in our arms, maybe rock them a little and whisper things in their ears to calm them, and show them they are loved. How much more will our Father in Heaven do that for His children!!? All we need to do is turn to Him as tell Him.

The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

A writing project: A Testament of God's Peace in Crisis

I was invited by a friend to attend  a writing class for a few weeks recently. I am glad I did. It was the first time I have made an effort  to learn more about writing. This particular class was about writing a testimony of something God did in our lives. For the first time I had to tell a familiar story from my perspective. I had to express my feelings in the crisis and in the result. This was much harder! I have under valued my own personal experience during my husbands illness because his physical healing and recovery always seemed so much more powerful a story to tell.

So, there are many details missing to this story of the miraculous things God did in saving my husbands life, but here is a small part of that story from my perspective.

A Testament of God’s Peace in Crisis

By Jennifer Mersereau

With a recent move to Winnipeg for a job and our third baby just 3 months old, I felt that our life was finally on the upswing. So when my husband Larry stayed home from his new job with flu like symptoms nothing seemed unusually ominous. Not until he was still sick three days later and difficult to wake up. 

Nine at night I was surprised and concerned to notice blood on a bathroom towel. Inspection found Larry had blood on his lips and tiny red spots all over his face and body, and feet and everywhere I looked. He did not wake with my increasingly frantic investigation until I shook him calling his name repeatedly. He finally did wake, but much to my astonishment he was not at all with it.

The ambulance trip and emergency room stay I walked through in shock. I learned Larry had Endocarditis; an infection in the lining of his heart. The infection had lodged in a heart valve and was throwing off blood clots over his entire body. Those were the red spots I had found all over him, tiny blood clots. In emergency they pumped multiple antibiotics into him at full throttle in hopes of reducing the infection in his blood. I later learned that about 50% of people who contract this type of infection do not survive.

After the first three days of delirium and uncertainty I began to settle into a routine of hospital visits, eating and sleeping. It became my normal. Prayer was big in each hospital room my husband was moved to. We had fully accepted that as God’s children we were not meant to have sickness so that was something I continually spoke against. I, and others with me claimed my husbands health and healing on a daily basis. 

It was a battle though because while we spoke life and healing over Larry, my Mother-in-law continually spoke death and sickness over him. It was becoming more and more evident just how much peace God had given me during this time of crisis as I was forced to deal with my In-Laws daily. They had come to stay while Larry was in hospital, to see their youngest son. 

God’s overwhelming peace was most evident to me the day I walked into the hospital around lunchtime to visit Larry, and was confronted by his folks in the lobby. His Mother approached me angrily. “Hello” I said in my naturally chipper way. “Where have you been”? she laid into me. “You don’t care about Larry! You don’t care that he has an aneurysm in his brain that could rupture at any time”! “You don’t care that he could die at any moment”! Anything else she said went unheard. I was taken aback by the attack. I was deeply hurt. Nothing could have been further from the truth but what could I say? I was very concerned. I was even forced to consider what would happen, and where I would go with our three children should my husband die. Her fears of his demise were unfounded. When I confronted the doctors about the possibility of an aneurysm I was told they had not even done a brain scan yet to know if there was an aneurysm. I decided to instruct the doctors and nurses to not pass on information to my Mother-in-law in order to help reduce the number of things she had to be negative about. I was to control what she knew so I would again not feel like I did not know something about my own husbands condition. 

As time passed another obvious example of God’s peace within me and the lack of peace in my mother-in-law came up. While waiting the five plus hours for the heart surgery to be completed I anxiously avoided my In-Laws. I battled the internal feelings of guilt, hurt and anger towards them. I no longer trusted them. Instead I enjoyed some time laughing and talking in a different room from them with a friend who stayed with me most of the time during the surgery. Once my friend left and I had to return to the surgical waiting room I did not sit close to them at all. The pain I felt from the attack still fresh. When the Surgeon came out of surgery the three of us gathered around him to hear the news. He said, ”Everything went well” , but my relieved response of, “oh good!” went completely unheard because my mother-in-law fainted. 

The physical process of healing for my husband after three surgeries in so many weeks was long but full of much encouragement. I was relieved my In-Laws finally left for home. That alone allowed me to finally process and enjoy the feelings of elation and excitement that I was entitled to feel after such victory in my husband health. We were now able to walk out and speak out our faith without the fear of our words being counteracted at every turn. Larry and I were able to discuss God’s goodness and His peace that I walked in during those hard, stress filled and uncertain days. We continue to marvel at the many large and small miracles that show God’s hand and faithfulness to us in that time of crisis.

Blessed? Cursed? Or ignored?

What is blessing?     What is God’s goodness?

Is it only the physical manifestation of natural and emotional pleasures? 

To be well feed?

To be well housed?

To be well clothed?

To be well in body and mind?

To be surrounded by people who love you?

To be abounding in finances?

To have every earthly thing you could need or want?

Maybe it’s receiving answers to the needs as they come up?

To be healed when illness comes, to prosper when lack comes, to be comforted when difficulties come.

So, what is it when it seems like some or even many of these things are not present, or never come? Is that a lack of God’s goodness and blessing? Is it really just a lack of faith? Is it punishment? Or worse, is it a sign of His lack of attention?

We christians seem to have all the answers when we are not enduring a season of lack that touches more than one area of our lives. I was the same. I was taught, and learned well that what God has done for one He will do for another, because He is no respecter of persons. So, just because the man in the pew ahead of me at church has been healed from poor vision does that mean I will be? I thought so at one time. Would write out petitions to God (grocery lists really) of my needs. Notice the word “MY”. Though they were needs. I was never so assumptive to write frivolous things like a manicure or a BMW. Maybe that verse is more broad. More about God’s saving grace rather than physical comforts. My sins are no worse than another’s because all sin is abominable in the sight of God. It is only us humans who categorize them from bad to worse.

But the answers don’t stop there. I’ve heard them all. I’ve probably said them all. Hopefully not as harshly, or judgmentally as I have felt some of them said to me in the past. Like, for instance, if I don’t have what I need then I must not be walking in faith. 

Oh, I can tell you I know the intentions of my heart. Mostly I just wanted to fit in with everyone else, so I only wanted what they seemed to have; healthy families, full time jobs that were stable and long term, a nice home with matching furniture. To be able to go on a family vacation because we had paid holidays and money to spend on the trip. 

We didn’t have any of that, still don’t. But Oh, how I believed! Others had it, lots of them. All christian, all attending the same church, all loved God and worshipped loud, and read their bibles along with the preaching, and took notes. Even the few non-church people I knew had these things, and God knows how to give good gifts to his children, so why shouldn’t I have all that as well???  

I’m still asking this same question. Why can’t I, we have the same sort of stability? When will we get a break? Will we ever do better then just barely getting by?  

Some would look at our lives and assume we have never put seed into good soil all these years. That we have only ever eaten all our seed, or held it back only to rot in our hands. They would be wrong, these ones who live by and only talk about Godly finances. “Plant your seed, water your seed, speak over your seed. Give and it shall be given back to you, pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER, it shall be given to you.” To that I say HA! You judge based on an obvious lack of fruit, but you didn’t see all the things we did in secret because we love our God, we know it’s right to do, and because we just plain love to give. And oh, how much more I wish I could give!!!Tithes and offerings and even alms. We have checked out the soil we plant in, we have seen the seed bless and prosper others. We have given our money, things, time and of ourselves. Yet today I sit with debt in two bank accounts, nothing left available on our credit card, no cash in hand, bills piling up, school fees to pay, no house or car insurance, nearly no gas left in the tank and no money to buy our medications, or more food. The next E.I. payment comes in a week from now, and that will only cover mortgage, a tank of gas and some food. No bills, on school fees, no medicine, no insurance. and still no job prospects yet. 

Still there is this thing that sits and gnaws at the back of my mind, because I was taught it. If God is good all the time, then there must be something I, we have not done...as if anything I could do could loosen or tighten the hand of God towards me. How prideful a religious teaching is that!?!! Yet so many christians will tell another that if the fruit isn’t there, they must be not doing something right, or at all. One minute we will spout off how good God is, that He is no respecter of persons, that He is a God of mercy but confronted with difficult circumstances in our lives we start blaming ourselves for missing some part of the puzzle. I was taught to do all I know and then, having done all to stand. Stand my ground. Stand firm and unwavering. Stand against the storm.

But sometimes, the storm can be just too big, the waves just too high. Nothing stands in the face of a tsunami. We all witnessed that just this year in Japan. The aftermath of such a storm, which has claimed lives, taken out entire cities, decimated farms, homes, transportation, and livestock, can be so hard on a people that those of us watching from afar on television just can not comprehend the pain, torment and fear a disaster like it has engulfed the people in. We can not comprehend what we have not experienced. It is too great a tragedy to wrap our selfish little brains around. It’s too easy to turn the channel, or the page, or click the mouse. Unless you live it.

I recall wanting to, and as a sign physically standing in the flood waters of the last Fredericton flood three years back. I felt tired of missing out on the good stuff. I wanted Gods goodness to overflow in my life too. Perhaps I forgot to first look at all the destruction a flood can cause. All the lack, the mess, and the upheaval it brings with it first. In fact, I never even thought of it before now. 


Sometimes, after all you have done and all the standing you have done, just sometimes there is nothing left to do but sit and cry. It is o.k. to cry. So next time you find someone in distress, don’t judge. Don’t be like Job’s friends who sat with him but proceeded to tell him everything that he must have done wrong. Instead, sit and cry with them. That will be more help then any words of supposed wisdom that you can come up with.

Got Passion Fruit?

It's been a week since I last posted. Feels like forever. What have I been doing that prevented me from writing? Sleeping, mostly. Pathetic, entirely.

This is not how I used to be. I didn't use to hide, or disappear from life and it's difficulties. I used to be the one who stood tall, moved forward with purpose and a plan or at the very least stood leaning into the storms of life that came. But not now. I don't have the strength anymore.
I'm not sure if the reason I don't have the strength is because I lost my purpose or just realized I never had one but was too busy to look for it in the first place.
You'd have to know my life history to understand. I will take the time to write it all out here eventually. It's pretty long. So for space and topics sake, suffice to say life has been difficult since I've been married. Nothing wrong with the marriage, just the continual struggles in finances and health, which affects everything in life. And I was the only healthy one available to manage it all consistently. Oh, there have been good times too. Lots of times when blessings came from known sources, peace was present, or I felt strong enough to handle the crisis at the time knowing there was a lesson to learn and I was intent on learning it well. But one can become overwhelmed by the waves even if they can swim if they come to fast, or too hard, or too big (or all of the above).

This is just the lead up. I had to provide a backdrop to the current query I find bouncing around in my head. The topic has been recurring around me for over a week. It's time to address it, find out what to do about it; if there is anything I can in fact do about Passion and my lack of it.
I know to be true that  strength comes from passion. Purpose is what feeds passion. As a little video I saw called TRADER says, passion makes your heart beat faster or your fists clench. I had to ask myself the hard question, 'what does that for me'? My answer at first was absolutely nothing, now. My desire and passion to go back to India has fully slipped away. I have had no long term plans, goals, or desires for such a long time. Everything I did have vanished little by little with each roll of the wave over my head. There's been a lot.

I feel no great surge of energy or excitement towards anything good. I do still have fist clenching moments. They could be turned to good if I knew I could have an effect. If I thought that my concerns or ideas would be considered, let alone listened to!  That fist clenching comes from many years of dealing with the health care system, in two countries; two States and three Provinces. Maybe one day I'll delve into that topic, but it just makes me angry so I should not knowingly get into it if I have planned appointments with doctors forthcoming.
The lack of passion is probably partly why all I want to do is sleep. Nothing to grasp onto to keep me motivated. Nothing to wake up for, but more disappointment.

This is sounding completely depressing! I certainly didn't expect it too, or want it too. My purpose was to attack the idea of passion and my lack of it. But maybe I am this way because all that I wrote above is true.
In stead of feeling like I'm just making excuses for not feeling "up to" things, perhaps I really do have a valid reason! Maybe I'm not "wrong" in feeling this way. It's not that I'm just completely lacking in faith, which I have been accused of as well as self accused. Perhaps, I really have been pulled down by the undertow and haven't found my way up yet.
That stupid statement, 'God only gives you what you can handle', I have come to hate (there's a fist clench). People have said that to me I'm sure with the intent to spur me on to keep trying and to over come that current situation. All the while also saying, 'I don't know how you do it'. What a contradiction! The statements just as offending to me now include, 'He's allowing you to go through this to teach you something' , 'Now you will have the ability to reach people who have suffered the same things as you, it will probably end up being your ministry', and how about, 'it's your winter season, your dry season'. 'This is your desert place before you come to your promised land'.
These things are said by people partly because they don't know what else to say, but also because they think they are encouraging you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. A time of blessing beyond what you have experienced....a time of prosperity, ease and delight. All of which only cater to our natural desire to feel pleasure and not pain. That hedonist desire in all of us to be satisfied with any and every pleasure. Well....that could be going a bit too far, maybe. I do admit I was always wishing I was in a good place of being pleased then in the place I was which was painful in someway shape or form.
I think my strength usually came from the idea that this crisis would end, this test would be complete. I would pass because of how strong I was, how self sacrificing I had been. How loyal, how faithful, how unwavering, positive and encouraging to others throughout the family crisis. I would soon be rewarded  with prosperity, friends, the love and admiration of everyone I knew, stability and supernatural health for everyone in my home, plus miraculous healings. Included in that was the false thought that I would be made perfect and no longer need to go through another test to prove myself worthy.
It was the hope of pleasurable times that gave me strength to endure all that I did. Turns out the hope of good times is not a strong enough foundation to stand on. It holds you up for a while but soon crumbles under the pressure when the good never seems to last long, or come at all.

I guess this is the stripping bare that needs to happen. Finding out what I've really been made of, and then re-constructing me. Remodelling is not an easy or clean process...just ask someone who has torn apart a kitchen, or bathroom. It's dusty, smelly, dirty, inconvenient and one of the top most stressful things in life next to moving, divorce, and a severe illness or death in the family. So, when that remodelling is of your inner self, don't expect much less...I certainly don't.