Inclination to Friendship

Who am I? Do you know? Do you have the time, the inclination to find out?

How many people do you know by name when you see them? Is it the same number as your friends list on Facebook? Even if you are one of those people who has pared down your list, purged it of those you only met once in high school, or at the bar, or Zumba...
Who would you call an acquaintance and who would you call a friend? And if you were to call them friend, would they call you friend too?
Does friendship just require vast amounts of time spent together? Or an intense experience? Or is it like Anne and Diane? Bosom friends right from the moment you meet? Is it all or none of the above?

I would actually like to know. I have not grown up with many good experiences with friends. Back bitting and bullying in the school yard scarred me for sure and made me less trusting of others. After becoming a christian in my teen years I witnessed and experienced a lot of hypocrisy and showmanship. I called them "the hair people". The ones who had to look and act right in the right places but the surface was often translucent.

I can not say that I still have one friend from my school years, or from my early christian years. Even the friends who were invited to our wedding are all gone. As kids came with physical health issues, and continued money issues due to my husbands health or employer (really, no fault of his own) I felt more and more alone. No one in the halls of our church wanted to really hear how I was doing. I learned that as people backed away when I would tell them how I was. Literally! Instead I took to emotionally vomiting that stuff out to store clerks or strangers because no one else was interested in getting past my daily issues to find out who I was under all of it.

I know, I felt it too. I didn't want to hear about others issues because I had enough of my own. Nor did I want to hear about the latest blessing that had befallen them. That just made me feel inadequate or forgotten by God. So why would I expect others to want to know me? I didn't. I learned to keep to myself. Even the few people who I did socialize with I learned to keep conversation to their health, the weather, or the last thing one of my kids did in school.

Surface relationship was all I was capable of. Though I desired more I learned to ignore that need. It was unrealistic in the environment I lived in. I didn't think I was worthy enough for someone to get to know. I don't think I even knew who I was! All I saw was the circumstances that continually surrounded our family. I was drowning in circumstances and had no one to help point me in the right direction since I had learned not to tell anyone about it. I was too much.

Five years ago we moved here, to Fredericton, New Brunswick. This is the city, in a Province whose motto is Hope Restored in which I found my first REAL friend. She loved me when I was harsh. She loved me when I was broken. She loved me when I was over whelmingly too clingy. I went through every emotion and level, stage, or expression of wrong and right relationship. Her and her husband both continued to approach me with wisdom and Gods love knowing that God created me with gifts and as a gift. I just needed some consistent love from them for all of us to see that I was capable of having a healthy friendship and too see the gifts deeply hidden within and under all the years of overwhelming circumstances. They found me worthy to get to know!

It took most of three years for that revelation to come to me and for me to be capable of healthy relationship. But I got there! For the last two years I have more or less felt calm, and comfortable because I knew that there were at least two people in this world I could confide in, wrestle with and just enjoy time with.

They recently moved away.

I have tried to continue to build relationship with others. People who would also pursue relationship with me. It was going well for a while but I feel I have hit a snag. I'm doubting that anyone but my friend and her husband could ever really love me. Life is so busy, schedules are different and changes have happened in the community all causing road blocks to the ease of the slightly deeper than surface relationships that I have enjoyed over these last few years. Others pull away for reasons unknown. Some have schedules that just don't mesh with my new life of full time work. Others had good friends of their own for some time so they seemed to have no interest in going deep with me. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone. Except this time I know what I'm missing because for awhile I actually had something so very precious.

One friendship I have pursued hard. At first in a mentor type position. Then I tried being the one who was only the listener, instead of the advice giver. Whether right or wrong I eventually shifted to the place of equals and still try to grow deeper in relationship. Sharing from my heart, my emotions, and my history. She has done the same many times. I have allowed full access to every part of my life. I have given in every way I think it is possible to give with the only thing I want in return is deep friendship. Someone I can call on no matter what, no matter when. Someone willing to listen to my stupid ideas, heart aches and joys.

I want someone who will slap my hand and hug me at the same time. A true friend. Nothing more than what I already offer her. But often times I feel nothing but a push and a wall go up. A backing away and a shutting off. And what's hardest about that is I don't know why. Am I getting too personal? Is she just not interested in this depth of friendship with me, because she already has others (or cuz it's me)?

At times I want to give up and go back to being closed off and stone hearted. It was less confusing for one. Less hurtful. And three, it was less mentally time consuming! I seem to over think what's going on, or is not going on. What am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. What is me and what is her? It's exhausting. I have even shed tears over my worries.

I suppose true Godly, unconditional love loves regardless of what it gets back. Even if it looks nothing like what you what it to look like. Or if it's nothing at all! Unconditional means exactly that! No conditions.

I could just be imagining the feeling of a barrier between us. It could be that I still don't really know what friendship actually looks and feels like. It's most likely that I am over expecting and because of that imagining everything else. I don't know. That is why I'm writing. To explore my feelings, thoughts, and heart regarding what friendship means and looks like and feels like. I bet it's even supposed to be different with different people.

I wonder, how does God feel when I shut Him out because He got a little too personal with me? He thinks I'm worth knowing, and pursuing. Or, so I'm told.