Dear Friend;
Have you ever regretted what came out of your mouth the second it hit the air?
Have you ever felt like you just got used by an enemy or unseen force that made you do what you would never purposely do in a million years?
I had that very experience happen to me this week, and I'm not very happy about it at all!
In fact I cried (not a thing that comes easy to me) often for the next 24 hours and had trouble sleeping two nights because of it. I am just so mad at myself for stupidly getting angry when I had no right to be. Mad for hurting you when there was no reason for it.
I am pretty sure I have figured out why I got angry in the first place. So please, let me explain and apologize.
My friend, you are so very dear to me, and though our ages are not even close, we have spent much time together over the last two years. Many times we have gone out for coffee, or you would come to my home and just hang out with my family. I have even written about you before. That time we had spent an amazing night together driving, getting lost and worshipping (See An Unexpected Night). Most of the time I am in awe of you. You are a strong women who has an amazing relationship with God. Plus you sing and play instruments beautifully (I may be a bit jealous, yes). Sometimes I have even wondered why you choose to spend time with me when you have so many other friends your own age.
That is where I began to go wrong. I had forgotten my place in your life. Not thinking you are better than I or visa versa. I understand that in the Kingdom of God we are ALL co-labourers for the Kingdom and co-heirs with Christ. We are a team, each with different gifts and abilities to use for Gods glory. But like a team, there are different jobs that we fit into. Those jobs sometimes overlap, intermingle, or run along side each other without actually connecting.
For instance, since I work at Tim Hortons I will use an example from there. Our team of 12 staff during the day time rush works best when we are all on task at our jobs. Each person is assigned to a specific job in the morning. But, during the day it is often required that some of us help in another capacity in order for our purpose of serving our customers in a fast and friendly way to be fulfilled well. That means when I’m on counter serving customers that sometimes it is best for me to go help the staff on Sandwich Unit by bringing them the bagels they need to fill my customers order, or letting the baker know they need more of a certain item they are running low on. Sometimes it's easier and quicker for the gals on the Unit to bring the finished sandwich to my customer so I can assist the next customer in line. It's team work.
What would not work is if one of the team working in the Sandwich Unit got more concerned with what I get to do, interacting with the great customers! If that team member kept leaving her post and coming to the counter to interact with the customers we would not have any sandwiches to serve. Likewise, in the Kingdom we have different posts we must keep. To forget your place and step into a place that is not your “assigned task” (this is more a sketch than a hard fast legalistic thing) it can cause a disruption in the functioning of the Body of Christ.
THAT is what happened to me. I was wanting to walk the same journey as you my friend, instead of assisting you in your own journey. I forgot my place, and because I did I caused you and myself pain. I remember that I knew before where my place was in your life. Then I started feeling jealous (sounds so harsh a word) that I didn’t get to experience some of the fun things you did with other friends. I wanted those experiences. I sort of wanted to re-live my 20’s with you. Something I had wasted of my own because of fear. I wanted you as a best friend. Again, something I didn’t really have growing up. I stepped out of my place, just a little at first. I didn’t even notice I did it. What it led to was me actually being jealous when you were not with me. Sad. It sounds so sad and pathetic.
As you experienced, my full downfall occurred this week when I actually told you off. I was hurt that you were shutting my attempt of stepping into another role down. That hurt turned quickly to anger.
My place, which I was in, and hope to be in again is to be a safe place for you. To be the person you can just come and be with. The listening ear, without fear of motherly advice speeches. The shoulder to lean on when you feel worn out, beaten up or overwhelmed by life or circumstances. I’m to be the calm within the whirlwind of your life. I’m to be the one who goes shopping with you when you can’t stand the idea of crowds. Mine is a safe family you can rest in where there is no drama. I’m suppose to be the one who rejoices with you at all the little accomplishments, because I know just how big those little accomplishments are. It is who God made me to be. Not just for you, but I have so loved being that for you.
Both parties win when both parties honor each other and operate in their given giftings.
As I’ve heard said...there is no “I” in Team, or “me” for that matter. Working together for the good of others is when the Body of Christ functions well together. That brings Him glory.
I love you my friend, and I’m so very sorry. Please forgive me.
Jenn
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