What's in the Purge?

Today, I have the day off.
I typically go out on my days off or I end up sitting in my Pj's most of the day catching up on my shows that aired on the weekend. Sometimes I don't.

Today is one of those days. Today I thought I would clean my daughters bedroom. It's 12:30 pm here and I have yet to step foot in her room. I got distracted by the bathroom. I started to clean it first. I have yet to wash or wipe down anything in there yet too. I got distracted again. By all the jewelry making a mess on my counter. 
As neat as I have tried to be and as organized as I can be by having hooks on the wall for necklaces and a three tiered jewelry stand it all got crowded and....umm, dusty. Midway through cleaning I decided to purge my unused and unwanted jewelry. Why return to the same place that which I will not ever wear? In fact I was just speaking to a friend last night about the general rule for cleaning out closets and drawers. Anything not worn in the last six months, or the entire last season it was good for, pitch it! I've not really had to live by THAT particular rule much since we tended to move every three or less years over the course of our 22 year marriage that I had many opportunities to purge with each move. Weight eventually played a role in the purge of clothing sessions I had sometime around 10 years ago. 

Interestingly, I have never really purged my jewelry in all that time. Mind you I've not really been a big fanatic about jewelry. I'm very much a practical person when it comes to spending money or purchasing and asking for gifts. We've never had a lot of money for my husband to buy me expensive babbles. I like things, like sapphires and diamonds, and silver, but practicality doesn't give me much opportunity to wear such things. I've been a stay at home Mom for most of our married years and only recently have been working full time....at a job that I can't wear any jewelry at, except stud earrings. Which I of course had almost none of so I had to increase my daily options by picking out some cute ones at Claire's.

Now let me get down to the nitty gritty of this purge though! Cuz, if you have ever done a good purge of stuff you know how therapeutic it can be, but also how revealing! The benefit that can come out of a good clean up can be as simple as just feeling lighter and less cluttered. Though if you are even a slight bit like me you will tend to "see" a little deeper into yourself through the process. I am very thankful that the one thing I did not see about me is that I am NOT a hoarder. 
Much of what I have (or did have) can be classed into a few categories. Used regularly, For special occasions, Inherited, and Never used. There are sub-categories, like the wonky bracelets, or too small necklaces my kids made me over the years, or the favourite earring that I lost one of and somehow expect to find the missing one. Most of the subcategories I actually pitched today. Loose beads rolling around in the bottom of a jewelry box I have hidden in my closet. String with little more than three beads and a plastic charm or empty wire, hooks and half a clasp all found in the old candy jar from Nana that became a catch-all. All gone. Mind you the jar still has stuff I just can't be bugged running around the house to return to their places yet....one day I'll get to that too.

The interesting stuff was not the old gifts from chubby hands so long ago. Now the stuff that was revealing was the actual jewelry I have kept but don't wear. I have gold (or gold coloured) necklaces that I have not worn in 20 years and probably will not wear again, but I keep them because they were given to me and hold sentimental value. Old crosses, empty chains, a blue stone heart with no chain, a tarnished "silver" bracelet given to me by my husband and my first two kids. How do you throw those things out?

 Most of these I have kept.
Including the most telling piece of all!
 A necklace from Avon. I can remember wearing it at the age of eight maybe. My Mother had given it to me, maybe for my birthday one year. I don't remember. It is gold with an oval charm, engraved with a saying, "Thursdays child has far to go". I was born on a Thursday. There is a poem that speaks to each day of the week a child was born. It was cute back then when I was innocent. Before I knew the power of words spoken over people. (Poor Wednesday's Child! Worse off then Thursdays)

I returned the necklace to it's hiding place and was about to actually clean the bathroom now that the mess was dealt with when it slowly dawned on me. I have been living under that prophesy from that necklace most of my life! That cute kids poem is saying that Thursday children don't measure up to the standard! We have a long way to go to get there. Lots of work to do to "make it", to achieve life's goals. In fact that one little statement is left open ended....who says Thursdays child actually gets to where they are trying to go?  
I know in my knower that I just found a root in why I felt like I never measured up all my life. I have  lived always feeling like my parents liked my sister better. That she was smarter, prettier, and more talented then I. I was never told those things by my parents, or my sister for that matter. It's just what I always felt. I can't remember not thinking that way as I grew up. In my own comparisons to my peers at school or at dance I felt less then all of them. That feeling of not measuring up followed me into my marriage, into parenting and into my walk with God. No wonder I felt like I just couldn't be loved by God! Right from the get go I thought I didn't measure up to His standard, because I had far to go. I was starting at a disadvantage. How could I ever expect to measure up?!!

Well bless my socks I am now free! That necklace is now in the garbage. Never again will I hang that around my neck (metaphorically too) and feel inferior. I refuse to keep it and pass it on to one of my children. I also could not in good conscience allow someone else to put that mentality onto another child by selling or giving away that necklace. 

No. It is where it belongs, along with the false belief that I have far to go. No, I am now free of that. I, just like you, am exactly enough, not too much, and not starting off behind the eight ball. 
I DO measure up and I do bring great things to the table! 
Praise God...

Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!