A Comparison!

How much do we as a society compare ourselves to others? 


This was the general topic tonight at House Group, although it didn't come out as a question like that...
But really how much? Is North America more prone to compare their life styles, their hair styles, their clothes style or their parenting style to another North American? More so then say the British? The Asians? Or the Muslims? Is one culture, or religion, or geographical region more likely to live life based on how they think they measure up to another from that same group?
Or is it only Christians who live that way? Constantly comparing if they measure up to the cultural or societal class they live in. Or the person one pew closer to the alter?
Is it purely the fault of media that we compare ourselves to others...?
Then why do we also compare ourselves to ourselves? 
This evening I mentioned how I just still have not "risen" out of the last low place I was in. The last valley my life's path took me though. I just could not put my finger on why that was. Usually I go into a deep valley but always come out soaring, just as high as I had been low. But not this time. This time I truly thought deep down, further then I would have allowed venture out to say face to face to anyone....I thought I was really broken this time. Never to return to my capable self. That self who was full of faith, and hope, and positive words of encouragement to myself and others. Full of optimism, and fight.
That is not me anymore, or at least not right now. 

A light bulb went on tonight.Only because someone else brought it up. I have been comparing my current self to who I was before. I measured myself and found myself to be less then what I had been. By my own estimation I didn't just not measure up, I didn't measure up to myself! How crazy does that sound now that it is out in type?!
I had decided that God surely couldn't love me at all. Not because I was bad or sinful, but because if I didn't measure up before, when I thought I was doing as much right as I could humanly do then I really didn't measure up and qualify for His love now when I don't feel like I'm even as capable as I was then!
Is any of this making sense? It sounds like rubbish as I type. Probably because when a lie believed is finally exposed for what it really is, it is rubbish and the stink is noticeable.


I was able to tell myself tonight that God loves me, just as much now as He did then. It's been a hard thing to grasp, His love. I was reminded tonight of a favourite quote spoken to me by a dear friend. It is the single most moving, and loving thing anyone has ever said to me. It pierced me, flooded me, and sank deep into me when these words rolled from his tongue.  I have it on my Facebook profile page even.


"I want you to know that if you never did another thing, helped or contributed ever again to the community it would not make us love you any less. That you don’t have to work any more to have our love. You never had to do a thing, you have it already, and you had it from the start". 


The most moving words ever! No comparison to someone else, or even my previous actions. No expectations to keep doing or being, or improving! No wonder it is easy to love the people who said these words! It is as easy as breathing! 
For days, even weeks afterwards I thought on these words. I rolled them around in my mind and heart. I cherished them. I made them mine. It is because of these words and the truth behind them that I was able to see difficulties that came up in our relationships from time to time for what they were, out of love and not malice. These words... a total of 59 words created in me a deeper love for the people who said them then I ever expected to experience. So deep that at times it scares me.
Is this not the kind of love I should be feeling for God?  It is what I have wanted from God, to know that He loves me that way too. I didn't know He did. Not until tonight, when I heard similar words spoken again. 


'God can not love you anymore then He does right now. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you any more,  nor make Him love you any less.'


It's time to meditate on these words now. To make His love mine so that a deep love for Him is build and formed under me. That way when valleys come or storms roll in I will see them for what they really are, tools of love to smooth and mould me into who God already sees me as. Not what I have always seen them as up till now, as abandonment. 
Was there a lightness that came with these words? Yes, gently. As if to not cause a shaking from a sudden release. It is a gentle subtle shift that I feel slowly descending into the depths. Little bits are letting go. I not longer have to feel condemned because I'm not the same person I was. I no longer have to think I'm unworthy of even punishment. No, now I can start to see His love instead. Eventually it will permeate everything in my life and just like my friends I will not be moved from His love either.


He just loves me!

Reality Check

I often listen to the local Christian radio station. Have done for so many years over all the various places I have lived one could say it may be more of a habit then anything else.  I don't listen to secular music, or radio stations. Since I turned my life over to God back when I was 17 I have listened to nothing else but christian music. 

I was convinced even that my eldest daughter shouldn't listen to secular music. Many an argument occurred over the very topic. Mostly I just started to get upset, not because I couldn't change her mind, she was old enough to make a decision weather I believed it was right or not, but mostly because her choice was now influencing her younger sisters. They were still young enough that they did what their parents said but the words in music were filtering in through their older sister and I couldn't stop it.

Eventually I just stopped objecting. Instead I focused on explaining to the younger ones why I choose to listen to christian radio. What you put into your mind and heart through your ears and eyes is not just important but can be critical. I do believe that. I've had experience myself that once something is in, you can't get it out. 

But this isn't what i wanted to talk about.....

The point I was getting to was I heard a funny but very scary thing on the local Christian radio station the other day and it just hasn't left me. It's been hanging in the back of my mind now for a few days. Part of me wants to hang on to it, to meditate and find out how it applies to me.

So, the thing was a sort of commercial for christian living, and it's usually something funny. This one was about a guy asking a genie for stuff and her saying "yes master". Sort of taken like from the old T.V. show, I Dream Of Jeannie. The guy asked for a good day a work, a better job, a bothersome coworker to be moved to another department, a roast for dinner, a good golf game tomorrow, and good weather for the golf game.... Then the announcer guy said we often treat God like a Genie asking for this and that and expecting it all to be done for us. Like God is at our beck and call. 

I started to wonder, is that how I pray? I think I did at some point in my 20+ years of christian life. I've definitely gone through phases of how and why I did things. The current phase worries me the most, I don't hardly pray at all. I don't regularly spend time with God just listening. I spend a lot of time in avoidance mode, just keeping busy. Because I don't know what to do with the questions I have, the struggles I've been though. I feel completely broken. Which is suppose to be a good thing, broken before God, But it doesn't feel like that kind of broken. I don't know how to explain it any better than that though.

So, this commercial that has gotten into my head. I'm wondering if I am just currently rebelling against the order making I used to do, and the disappointment I felt when my orders where not fulfilled. Sounds plausible doesn't it? It would make sense. Except that I am too close to the problem and can't see truth.  I can't tell you if that really is what's going on, or if I have really fallen away from God, or if I'm just being a stupid child sulking cause I didn't get my way. It feels like all of the above, and yet possible none of the above. Only God really knows the heart and intentions of the heart. So, it is only He who really knows me and my motives and reasons.

All I know right now is that it is difficult to go on living like I've got it all together and I can and do relay on God. I'm not sure I actually do at this point. 

That said, I haven't actually left Him either.

Extension of self

This is the real first post I have done. Yesterdays doesn't count. I just copy and pasted something I wrote years ago. I have tried a few other times to blog, about 7 or 8 yrs ago I tried when we moved into Arkansas. I have no idea what that blog was called. Lost all the info and had only made one post, with a picture!
My second attempt was a couple years ago. I think it was called Red...or something like that. Obviously I didn't do much with that one either. Don't remember passwords or anything from then either. But that was before Blogger allowed you to sign in with your Google account. Made it much easier. Now I don't have to remember a NEW password.
All this is just an extension of who I am though. Good intentions, lack of fortitude to carry it through. Maybe it's more a lack of commitment. I do struggle with that now more then I ever have. I feel like there is no use trying something new because past experience has taught me that it just fails eventually before any good comes from the effort.
Yes, the 'fun loving' and 'always ready to help or be available for coffee' and 'pastoral' Jenn has a bunch of secrets, fears, hurts, and insecurities. Just like everyone else.
I am no longer who I used to be. Parts for the better, other parts for the worse. I used to be much more bold with my faith. I confessed God's word daily over myself and my family. I did not doubt that God would do for me what He did for others in healing, finances, everything! I was probably also a bit more self righteous then I would admit. Now I'm the exact opposite. Not bold in faith at all, but completely full of doubt. I don't confess anymore, nor do I read God's word. I never did see His words full of love. Just condemnation or disappointment. Prayer is mostly gone too. I only pray when Holy Spirit stirs it up so much I can't help but pray, always for someone else. I have no confidence in what I do, but I do not doubt that He still uses me.
Some of the good things that have changed include being much more calm at home. Being more full of love towards others and a greater grace for others. I can have healthy relationships with other women! That's a big one. My wall was so big and thick that I could not keep friends. I always sabotaged them if someone got too close. Not that I let that happen often. Now I have ladies who are friends who I can confide in, who confide in me, who laugh and cry with me, who just enjoy hanging out with me, and love my hugs. Most of which still baffles me. The biggest thing is that none of them have run from me. None of the ladies I know and am friend with now have ever indicated that I was too much for them. In fact I have found the complete opposite, they want more of me.
And that has now become a new growth area...how much do I expose of my deep inner self!?
I guess that is why I started to write this blog. To find out just how much I can let out. How deep can I go and still keep friends, and sanity!
This should be interesting and I'm not so sure I'm ready for this ride.

Love Like a Pancake

I am seeing visions that love is coming and hearing a lot about love needed. So,what´s the deal?
The deal is, love is what our lives should be in pursuit of. Love is what our thoughts, meditations and lives should produce. But how can that happen when what we put in is junk? Everyone thinks the old adage ¨you are what you eat¨ only applies to food but it does not. Are we not told to EAT the bread of Life,daily? I´m sure I am not the only one who has heard that the Bible is Gods love letter to man. If we put the Word of God in,which is another expression of His love for us, then love is what should come out of us too. Yes it matters how much you and I put in.
Ever made pancakes with no baking power or baking soda? It produces flat pancakes. How about too much? Ever add too much? The pancakes expand and get full of lovely air bubbles making the fluffiest pancakes around! So fluffy that the syrup just soaks in deep becoming one with the pancake, instead of sitting on the top. Doesn´t Gods word work like the raising agent in pancakes? Add little or none to your daily life and the love He and others attempt to pour into you just doesn´t get absorbed! Being careful to add lots of Gods word into our daily lives, in reading, meditating, speaking, proclaiming and even praying back His word to Him makes your heart, your life soft and fluffy so that as God and others pour out their love you absorb it quickly! I have watched my kids do this, if you keep pouring on the sweet syrup eventually the pancake gets over saturated and what comes out when you poke it with your folk is syrup. That´s the result I want in my life. I know that right now I´m not at full saturation level, but it is the goal.


I´m not the kind who likes to be left hanging without an action plan. I always disliked messages that told me what I was doing wrong but gave me no hope or plan to improve. So, I want to look at a few things I have been taught or learned in my life to put myself on the plate (to carry the pancake analogy just over the top). I mentioned a few practical things above that help prepare us to receive love. Reading Gods word, meditating or thinking about Gods word, speaking Gods word, yes out loud to yourself, proclaiming His word and promises over yourself and your circumstances, and even praying back His word to Him. These last two are often neglected.
Now I´m no fool. I can hear some of you say, ¨but I have done all that and I still don´t feel loved¨. I hear it because it is something I have said or thought many times over the years. There was something I was still missing and it was only recently that the revelation of that missing keys has come to me. I say keys, because there are in fact two things missing from this list. One is faith and the other is expectation.
Let´s look at expectation since it is the first thing I grasped that I had wrong. Where is your expectation? Mine was in the dump. I either didn´t expect anything at all or worse, expected only negative to return to me. I expected to get something from people that I should really be getting from God. No man (or woman) is capable of giving you what you truly need, selfless unconditional love without thought, or compromise. Only God can do and has done that by selflessly sending His Son to die in your place. I then realized expectation is not tied to feelings, though feelings can be tied to your unrealized expectations. I had to determine within myself that I was going to place the right expectation on God first and then my fellow man. I had to determine that I was going to stop expecting bad and start expecting good, and that blessings would come my way.


Once I determined this I was confronted with something I did not expect. Where my faith was. In order to allow myself to expect good from God I had to believe Him, and believe that He loved me. Surprise of all surprises I found out that I did not really believe that He was even capable of loving me. Imagine that! The God who formed me in my Mothers womb, who insures that all my days are written down, among a long list of things I have not enough time or room to include. Talk about contradiction! I could tell you and fully believed that the Bible was all true and that I believed it was, but when it got down to the details I never set myself to believe that God actually loved me.
Now, in order to not get off topic, or make this 4 pages long, I need to address one more thing without getting too detailed. My feelings played a huge role in what I believed, but should not have. I never felt that God loved me, therefore I did not believe He did. Conversely, when things went well, or I was in a good mood I was less likely to doubt His love, or maybe better put I was less likely to consider that He did not love me. So, in order to make the crooked straight I had to determine that my feelings were pretty much liars and should not be trusted over Biblical truth. Nor should I allow my life to be lead by feelings, for they are not the master of my life but can be an enjoyable part of it. It is the truth of God and His love that needs to be my master, setting the course for my life and how I live, act and react to people or circumstances in my life.
This started about love and I will end it with love. I do not feel I have fully grasped the all encompassing Love of God yet. I do believe it will take a life time to pursue and I will still not fully understand it, but I have determined to be determined in my pursuit of it. I know that even if I do not feel it, Gods love is still there for me and eventually in my pursuit my feelings will line up with the truth. And the truth is that I am His favourite child and that He truly does dance and sing over me! 

Originally written: March 6th, 2009