I often listen to the local Christian radio station. Have done for so many years over all the various places I have lived one could say it may be more of a habit then anything else. I don't listen to secular music, or radio stations. Since I turned my life over to God back when I was 17 I have listened to nothing else but christian music.
I was convinced even that my eldest daughter shouldn't listen to secular music. Many an argument occurred over the very topic. Mostly I just started to get upset, not because I couldn't change her mind, she was old enough to make a decision weather I believed it was right or not, but mostly because her choice was now influencing her younger sisters. They were still young enough that they did what their parents said but the words in music were filtering in through their older sister and I couldn't stop it.
Eventually I just stopped objecting. Instead I focused on explaining to the younger ones why I choose to listen to christian radio. What you put into your mind and heart through your ears and eyes is not just important but can be critical. I do believe that. I've had experience myself that once something is in, you can't get it out.
But this isn't what i wanted to talk about.....
The point I was getting to was I heard a funny but very scary thing on the local Christian radio station the other day and it just hasn't left me. It's been hanging in the back of my mind now for a few days. Part of me wants to hang on to it, to meditate and find out how it applies to me.
So, the thing was a sort of commercial for christian living, and it's usually something funny. This one was about a guy asking a genie for stuff and her saying "yes master". Sort of taken like from the old T.V. show, I Dream Of Jeannie. The guy asked for a good day a work, a better job, a bothersome coworker to be moved to another department, a roast for dinner, a good golf game tomorrow, and good weather for the golf game.... Then the announcer guy said we often treat God like a Genie asking for this and that and expecting it all to be done for us. Like God is at our beck and call.
I started to wonder, is that how I pray? I think I did at some point in my 20+ years of christian life. I've definitely gone through phases of how and why I did things. The current phase worries me the most, I don't hardly pray at all. I don't regularly spend time with God just listening. I spend a lot of time in avoidance mode, just keeping busy. Because I don't know what to do with the questions I have, the struggles I've been though. I feel completely broken. Which is suppose to be a good thing, broken before God, But it doesn't feel like that kind of broken. I don't know how to explain it any better than that though.
So, this commercial that has gotten into my head. I'm wondering if I am just currently rebelling against the order making I used to do, and the disappointment I felt when my orders where not fulfilled. Sounds plausible doesn't it? It would make sense. Except that I am too close to the problem and can't see truth. I can't tell you if that really is what's going on, or if I have really fallen away from God, or if I'm just being a stupid child sulking cause I didn't get my way. It feels like all of the above, and yet possible none of the above. Only God really knows the heart and intentions of the heart. So, it is only He who really knows me and my motives and reasons.
All I know right now is that it is difficult to go on living like I've got it all together and I can and do relay on God. I'm not sure I actually do at this point.
That said, I haven't actually left Him either.
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