Extension of self

This is the real first post I have done. Yesterdays doesn't count. I just copy and pasted something I wrote years ago. I have tried a few other times to blog, about 7 or 8 yrs ago I tried when we moved into Arkansas. I have no idea what that blog was called. Lost all the info and had only made one post, with a picture!
My second attempt was a couple years ago. I think it was called Red...or something like that. Obviously I didn't do much with that one either. Don't remember passwords or anything from then either. But that was before Blogger allowed you to sign in with your Google account. Made it much easier. Now I don't have to remember a NEW password.
All this is just an extension of who I am though. Good intentions, lack of fortitude to carry it through. Maybe it's more a lack of commitment. I do struggle with that now more then I ever have. I feel like there is no use trying something new because past experience has taught me that it just fails eventually before any good comes from the effort.
Yes, the 'fun loving' and 'always ready to help or be available for coffee' and 'pastoral' Jenn has a bunch of secrets, fears, hurts, and insecurities. Just like everyone else.
I am no longer who I used to be. Parts for the better, other parts for the worse. I used to be much more bold with my faith. I confessed God's word daily over myself and my family. I did not doubt that God would do for me what He did for others in healing, finances, everything! I was probably also a bit more self righteous then I would admit. Now I'm the exact opposite. Not bold in faith at all, but completely full of doubt. I don't confess anymore, nor do I read God's word. I never did see His words full of love. Just condemnation or disappointment. Prayer is mostly gone too. I only pray when Holy Spirit stirs it up so much I can't help but pray, always for someone else. I have no confidence in what I do, but I do not doubt that He still uses me.
Some of the good things that have changed include being much more calm at home. Being more full of love towards others and a greater grace for others. I can have healthy relationships with other women! That's a big one. My wall was so big and thick that I could not keep friends. I always sabotaged them if someone got too close. Not that I let that happen often. Now I have ladies who are friends who I can confide in, who confide in me, who laugh and cry with me, who just enjoy hanging out with me, and love my hugs. Most of which still baffles me. The biggest thing is that none of them have run from me. None of the ladies I know and am friend with now have ever indicated that I was too much for them. In fact I have found the complete opposite, they want more of me.
And that has now become a new growth area...how much do I expose of my deep inner self!?
I guess that is why I started to write this blog. To find out just how much I can let out. How deep can I go and still keep friends, and sanity!
This should be interesting and I'm not so sure I'm ready for this ride.