Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!

Induced Selective Hearing

I seem to find myself in a strange situation. I can't hear well with my left ear.
Nothing to be concerned with I'm sure, it's just ear wax build up. It's how long it has lasted that has me frustrated. If it was a day or two I wouldn't be bothered enough to write about it. So far it's lasted just over a week.
I'm sporadically making attempts to clear it up. Using over the counter ear drops, hot water showers and letting it run in my ear. Even pouring warm water in my ear over the bathroom sink with my Netty Pot. So far nothing has worked.
It's not painful at all. Just feels annoyingly full. The dulled sound is frustrating. I can't tell how loud I'm speaking so people keep asking me to repeat myself. I can't hear well enough so I'm asking everyone to repeat themselves. Lots of noise, or loud sudden noises are very overwhelming and almost painful in my right ear.
Another thing I have noticed is the ringing in my head. I knew it was there for about a year now. A side effect of some medication I'm on. Usually background music is enough to drowned it out, but it is exaggerated now in my plugged ear. It's all I hear. It's not only annoying but tiresome, and can give me a headache. Nothing drowns it out now.

I have one unexpected observation. I'm in a more intimate world. I can't hear phones ring or buzz. Kids voices downstairs are now absent, and conversations in another room are too hard to hear to be concerned with trying to make out the dialogue. Big noises I notice but even their direction is unclear. I can't tell if it is coming from my house or outside.
So far I've missed phone calls, details of a prayer request and I don't listen to my radio much because it overwhelms me.
So no big deal...I know. This too will pass.
But what is God saying to me? What some might consider a coincidence or making to much out of nothing I am willing to see differently. I know God speaks all the time. He never stopped speaking. So I need to pay attention.

I recognize I've been drowning Him out with everything and anything I can find. I'm not ready to risk giving Him my all yet.
Perhaps He is ready for me to stop my neglecting of Him. Maybe He is wanting to help me remove some of those distractions I keep putting in front of Him. Your turn to guess.
What do you think God is trying to say to me?
What do you think He is saying to you?!? and How is He saying it?