An Outer Perspective Brings Inner Seeing.

Ya know how you see yourself differently then others see you?

  Well, I have recently taken a bit of a look at myself from a perspective outside myself.  I think it's a healthy thing to do, noticing how people see you. Not your inner intentions but your outward actions and reactions.

  Cuz let's face it, we look great to ourselves when we judge our motives and dismiss our actions, the inflection in our voices, our body language, facial expression and other outward expressions others see.

  Of course, even this statement is biased. Everyone is self-centred to some degree or other. Most of our truest motives are for our own benefit and not someone else's. Part of that is just self preservation. Instinctual. But a large part of it, if we are truly honest with ourselves, is just pleasure based. Even helping others can be self motived. How does it make YOU feel, or how does it make YOU look to others? Will helping others EARN you brownie points with God…etc. 

K, established…..So my perspective is what I'm really wanting to flesh out here. 

  I'm not sure I set out to look at myself from someone else's perspective on purpose. It was a series of little things that brought it to my attention and has it rolling around in my head now and then.

  The first I think, has taken a while to filter in. At my mothers Celebration of Life three years ago. For the first time in my life, I was given a glimpse at how others saw my Mom. I was usually frustrated with her growing up, and after I moved out and married. But Mom, it turned out was a very fun loving, well loved and generous person! She volunteered over 30 years to Girl Guides, worked in nursing probably as long. Changed careers when I was in my teens and worked with kids in the public school district and later volunteered for the Daffodil campaign for the Canadian Cancer Society. She had good friends for many years who played cards every month for over 20 years. Her friends thought the world of her. I had a completely different perspective growing up. Which is too bad really. I missed out on a wonderful person apparently! 

So that experience has been rolling around in my head and heart for three years now.

  A nudge towards this idea has been building because of work. As an employee at a coffee shop where I get to don a brown uniform day in and day out, who I am is toned way down in order to represent the coffee chain. I am a coffee automaton. Most days I hate it. But it has given me food for thought too. Since I can not express myself in outward appearence my fellow workers and regular customers get to see me in my actions, attitude, and facial expressions. At work I'm pleasant. I could count on one hand the number of times I have been very upset, angry or frustrated in the year I've worked there. From what I can tell, most of the employees actually like me, but few if any have pursued any kind of deeper friendship with me, and my attempts to do so with some of them are weak I must admit. 

  My second big push to look at myself from the outside came at a coffee date with a friend.

She was describing a long time friend of hers to me this last time. I can't even remember the exact term she used, but I do remember one was "she is a bit like a sailor on shore leave", meaning she is full of life and goes after living life to its fullest. I laughed at such a funny and unusual description. Then I realized what a compliment it was. What a great compliment! If only I was that kind of person! If only I could be described that way! But I know I'm not.

So how would someone describe me?! Not like that! I can not kid myself about that. 

  There are definitely different layers of me that could be described. Some know me causally, some think they know me, only a few know me well at all. Then there are the different areas of me that don't get brought out often, but a few only see that part of me. This is the part of me I'm most worried about right now.

Am I an angry Christian, an angry person?

  If you bring up issues of health care I can get rather upset. I have strong feelings about doctors, their god-like status in our culture, their lack of compassion, and specifically some of the doctors I have dealt with regarding my kids or husbands  health. The thought of them just makes me angry. The idea that Canadian health care seems stuck and incapable of evolving or improving due to lack of funds angers me like nothing else. Unfortunately I'm also in no position to do anything about it. I'm not even educated enough to know who to talk too, or how my experience could be a benefit. I also don't think so highly of myself that I assume what I have to say is even important enough to tell someone who could do something.

  Then if you bring up anything about church, or even God it doesn't give me good feelings any more. Instead I feel angry. I know I'm ruined for attending any kind of box church again. I don't think I'd be able to sit in a pew and listen to someone else's idea of what we should think about God, or how we should walk out, or work out our faith walk. Do this, don't do that….God helps those who help themselves yadda, yadda, yadda! If you bring up issues about Gods goodness, or prayer working, or anything at all, I've got an negative response now. I didn't use to! But then again I use to sit and hang on every word some pastor would say in his/her sermon. 

  I'm now thinking this issue of being an angry christian is way too deeply rooted in some wrong belief for me to delve into it here. I could be feeling this way because I really feel betrayed somehow. Maybe it's because I have stopped attending any kind of "service" where there is teaching, now that I have been working every weekend for the last year. Maybe I feel this way because I'm still depressed. I did stop taking anti-depressants back a year ago. Maybe I shouldn't have! 

Ha! But I don't have a doctor to talk to about this issue cuz I fired her ass back three years ago because she was almost worse then having none! 

  And the cycle continues. I mostly avoid these topics unless it gets brought up by others. If I dwelled on them all the time I really would be an angry person all the time. Thankfully I can turn those parts off during most of my dealings in a common week and live fairly happily. 

  Small mercies, very few people actually have access to even attempt to dive that deep with me. So it's easy to ignore these issues. Unfortunately, that also means when I need to do some digging to clear out the clumps they aren't around to help.

Maybe there is a deeper reason to why I hate gardening! But that is a different blog topic.

Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!

Poem: A Love Like Jonathan

A Love Like Jonathan

by Jennifer Mersereau

Divine encounter

Words exchanged

Heart no longer seeking

Instant bond

Spirits Entwined 

Love at first meeting

Covenant Love

Loyalty unquestioned

I’d chose you over blood relations

Every time

I wrote this little poem about the deep Godly love between David and Jonathan. It is a love that transcends gender, social status and blood relation. If we are alert enough we too can find such a love. It may or may not be with your spouse. It may last a life time or be a one time meeting.

I have been blessed enough to have encountered my Jonathan love but struggled with the deep feelings for some time. Not knowing how to categorize the relationship and depth of feelings caused an uncomfortableness internally for a few years. Then suddenly with one sentence someone else said it brought clarity and confirmation that it was not wrong but Godly and a gift. One I chose to embrace and cherish as long as I blessed with it.

Forgetting my Place.

Dear Friend;

Have you ever regretted what came out of your mouth the second it hit the air? 

Have you ever felt like you just got used by an enemy or unseen force that made you do what you would never purposely do in a million years?

I had that very experience happen to me this week, and I'm not very happy about it at all!

In fact I cried (not a thing that comes easy to me) often for the next 24 hours and had trouble sleeping two nights because of it.  I am just so mad at myself for stupidly getting angry when I had no right to be. Mad for hurting you when there was no reason for it.

I am pretty sure I have figured out why I got angry in the first place. So please, let me explain and apologize.

My friend, you are so very dear to me, and though our ages are not even close, we have spent much time together over the last two years. Many times we have gone out for coffee, or you would come to my home and just hang out with my family. I have even written about you before. That time we had spent an amazing night together driving, getting lost and worshipping (See An Unexpected Night). Most of the time I am in awe of you. You are a strong women who has an amazing relationship with God. Plus you sing and play instruments beautifully (I may be a bit jealous, yes). Sometimes I have even wondered why you choose to spend time with me when you have so many other friends your own age.

That is where I began to go wrong. I had forgotten my place in your life. Not thinking you are better than I or visa versa. I understand that in the Kingdom of God we are ALL co-labourers for the Kingdom and co-heirs with Christ. We are a team, each with different gifts and abilities to use for Gods glory. But like a team, there are different jobs that we fit into. Those jobs sometimes overlap, intermingle, or run along side each other without actually connecting.

For instance, since I work at Tim Hortons I will use an example from there. Our team of 12 staff during the day time rush works best when we are all on task at our jobs. Each person is assigned to a specific job in the morning. But, during the day it is often required that some of us help in another capacity in order for our purpose of serving our customers in a fast and friendly way to be fulfilled well. That means when I’m on counter serving customers that sometimes it is best for me to go help the staff on Sandwich Unit by bringing them the bagels they need to fill my customers order, or letting the baker know they need more of a certain item they are running low on. Sometimes it's easier and quicker for the gals on the Unit to bring the finished sandwich to my customer so I can assist the next customer in line. It's team work.

What would not work is if one of the team working in the Sandwich Unit got more concerned with what I get to do, interacting with the great customers! If that team member kept leaving her post and coming to the counter to interact with the customers we would not have any sandwiches to serve. Likewise, in the Kingdom we have different posts we must keep. To forget your place and step into a place that is not your “assigned task” (this is more a sketch than a hard fast legalistic thing) it can cause a disruption in the functioning of the Body of Christ.

THAT is what happened to me. I was wanting to walk the same journey as you my friend, instead of assisting you in your own journey. I forgot my place, and because I did I caused you and myself pain. I remember that I knew before where my place was in your life. Then I started feeling jealous (sounds so harsh a word) that I didn’t get to experience some of the fun things you did with other friends. I wanted those experiences. I sort of wanted to re-live my 20’s with you. Something I had wasted of my own because of fear. I wanted you as a best friend. Again, something I didn’t really have growing up. I stepped out of my place, just a little at first. I didn’t even notice I did it. What it led to was me actually being jealous when you were not with me. Sad. It sounds so sad and pathetic.

As you experienced, my full downfall occurred this week when I actually told you off. I was hurt that you were shutting my attempt of stepping into another role down. That hurt turned quickly to anger.

My place, which I was in, and hope to be in again is to be a safe place for you. To be the person you can just come and be with. The listening ear, without fear of motherly advice speeches. The shoulder to lean on when you feel worn out, beaten up or overwhelmed by life or circumstances. I’m to be the calm within the whirlwind of your life. I’m to be the one who goes shopping with you when you can’t stand the idea of crowds. Mine is a safe family you can rest in where there is no drama. I’m suppose to be the one who rejoices with you at all the little accomplishments, because I know just how big those little accomplishments are. It is who God made me to be. Not just for you, but I have so loved being that for you. 

Both parties win when both parties honor each other and operate in their given giftings.

As I’ve heard said...there is no “I” in Team, or “me” for that matter. Working together for the good of others is when the Body of Christ functions well together. That brings Him glory.

I love you my friend, and I’m so very sorry. Please forgive me.

Jenn

Inclination to Friendship

Who am I? Do you know? Do you have the time, the inclination to find out?

How many people do you know by name when you see them? Is it the same number as your friends list on Facebook? Even if you are one of those people who has pared down your list, purged it of those you only met once in high school, or at the bar, or Zumba...
Who would you call an acquaintance and who would you call a friend? And if you were to call them friend, would they call you friend too?
Does friendship just require vast amounts of time spent together? Or an intense experience? Or is it like Anne and Diane? Bosom friends right from the moment you meet? Is it all or none of the above?

I would actually like to know. I have not grown up with many good experiences with friends. Back bitting and bullying in the school yard scarred me for sure and made me less trusting of others. After becoming a christian in my teen years I witnessed and experienced a lot of hypocrisy and showmanship. I called them "the hair people". The ones who had to look and act right in the right places but the surface was often translucent.

I can not say that I still have one friend from my school years, or from my early christian years. Even the friends who were invited to our wedding are all gone. As kids came with physical health issues, and continued money issues due to my husbands health or employer (really, no fault of his own) I felt more and more alone. No one in the halls of our church wanted to really hear how I was doing. I learned that as people backed away when I would tell them how I was. Literally! Instead I took to emotionally vomiting that stuff out to store clerks or strangers because no one else was interested in getting past my daily issues to find out who I was under all of it.

I know, I felt it too. I didn't want to hear about others issues because I had enough of my own. Nor did I want to hear about the latest blessing that had befallen them. That just made me feel inadequate or forgotten by God. So why would I expect others to want to know me? I didn't. I learned to keep to myself. Even the few people who I did socialize with I learned to keep conversation to their health, the weather, or the last thing one of my kids did in school.

Surface relationship was all I was capable of. Though I desired more I learned to ignore that need. It was unrealistic in the environment I lived in. I didn't think I was worthy enough for someone to get to know. I don't think I even knew who I was! All I saw was the circumstances that continually surrounded our family. I was drowning in circumstances and had no one to help point me in the right direction since I had learned not to tell anyone about it. I was too much.

Five years ago we moved here, to Fredericton, New Brunswick. This is the city, in a Province whose motto is Hope Restored in which I found my first REAL friend. She loved me when I was harsh. She loved me when I was broken. She loved me when I was over whelmingly too clingy. I went through every emotion and level, stage, or expression of wrong and right relationship. Her and her husband both continued to approach me with wisdom and Gods love knowing that God created me with gifts and as a gift. I just needed some consistent love from them for all of us to see that I was capable of having a healthy friendship and too see the gifts deeply hidden within and under all the years of overwhelming circumstances. They found me worthy to get to know!

It took most of three years for that revelation to come to me and for me to be capable of healthy relationship. But I got there! For the last two years I have more or less felt calm, and comfortable because I knew that there were at least two people in this world I could confide in, wrestle with and just enjoy time with.

They recently moved away.

I have tried to continue to build relationship with others. People who would also pursue relationship with me. It was going well for a while but I feel I have hit a snag. I'm doubting that anyone but my friend and her husband could ever really love me. Life is so busy, schedules are different and changes have happened in the community all causing road blocks to the ease of the slightly deeper than surface relationships that I have enjoyed over these last few years. Others pull away for reasons unknown. Some have schedules that just don't mesh with my new life of full time work. Others had good friends of their own for some time so they seemed to have no interest in going deep with me. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone. Except this time I know what I'm missing because for awhile I actually had something so very precious.

One friendship I have pursued hard. At first in a mentor type position. Then I tried being the one who was only the listener, instead of the advice giver. Whether right or wrong I eventually shifted to the place of equals and still try to grow deeper in relationship. Sharing from my heart, my emotions, and my history. She has done the same many times. I have allowed full access to every part of my life. I have given in every way I think it is possible to give with the only thing I want in return is deep friendship. Someone I can call on no matter what, no matter when. Someone willing to listen to my stupid ideas, heart aches and joys.

I want someone who will slap my hand and hug me at the same time. A true friend. Nothing more than what I already offer her. But often times I feel nothing but a push and a wall go up. A backing away and a shutting off. And what's hardest about that is I don't know why. Am I getting too personal? Is she just not interested in this depth of friendship with me, because she already has others (or cuz it's me)?

At times I want to give up and go back to being closed off and stone hearted. It was less confusing for one. Less hurtful. And three, it was less mentally time consuming! I seem to over think what's going on, or is not going on. What am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. What is me and what is her? It's exhausting. I have even shed tears over my worries.

I suppose true Godly, unconditional love loves regardless of what it gets back. Even if it looks nothing like what you what it to look like. Or if it's nothing at all! Unconditional means exactly that! No conditions.

I could just be imagining the feeling of a barrier between us. It could be that I still don't really know what friendship actually looks and feels like. It's most likely that I am over expecting and because of that imagining everything else. I don't know. That is why I'm writing. To explore my feelings, thoughts, and heart regarding what friendship means and looks like and feels like. I bet it's even supposed to be different with different people.

I wonder, how does God feel when I shut Him out because He got a little too personal with me? He thinks I'm worth knowing, and pursuing. Or, so I'm told.