A Problem With Christianity

Lets face it, there are many problems with christianity because, well it involves people. As soon as people get involved in anything something is going to go wrong.

Well "people" have had ahold of Christianity for too long and made all kinds of stupid decisions, and rules. In fact, I have come to believe much of what we see, either in the news of Right Winged Evangelicals, or right in your local neighbourhood church is more man made rules and traditions than what the Creator of the Universe actually intended for us. Here's one example.

(Please, keep in mind as you read, I was one of these judgmental christians that I describe. This comes out of the process of relearning to think for myself, I am exploring who I was and who I want to be now. I do not write this to condemn anyone, but hopefully to show that love must always win.)

Sex before marriage. Hot topic right? In theory most christians who have been in any one church long enough will eventually come to hear, if not fully believe that sex before marriage is wrong, and well, down right sinful! Though nowhere in the Bible does it actually say the words 'sex before marriage is sinful' it does address the issues of adultery and sexual immorality as condemnable. The closest thing then to condemning sex before marriage comes from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:2 (AMP), where he says, "But because of the temptation to impurity and to avoid immorality, let each [man] have his own wife and let each [woman] have her own husband." It's understandable how they came to this conclusion to some degree. Today we see culturally that what we tolerate today becomes the Norm just one generation later. It's just unfortunate that we end up getting told what to do, or not do based on fear instead of love. Back to my point...

As a result, on the whole, the 'church' says SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE IS SINFUL.

So, what do we do when someone in our youth group (everyone knows as least one, no?) or our own child (god forbid!) in absolute fear, reveals that she is pregnant?!? What do you do? 

Well, I know what my reaction was when I heard at 17 that another girl in my youth group was pregnant and the christian father was not in the picture anymore. I felt sad. Sad that she was alone, sad that she was having a baby, sad for the baby. Not once did I feel excited that she was having a baby! I was taught the whole situation was sad. I wasn't close friends with her to begin with, so it never effected my relationship with her, but maybe this mindset I had learned prevented me from having a friendship with her later on. I was biased against her, for all the wrong reasons when what she really needed was love and support. 

I also recall feeling sad for her parents and family. I was young, but knew her pregnancy meant her whole family was now judged harshly by the church at large. 'That poor family'. Obviously this daughter had a rebel spirit. They were such a good upstanding family in the church, until then...I never saw much of her after the rumour of her pregnancy spread through the church. It's no wonder really.

So let me dissect this a bit. 

If a girl (I'm not picking on girls...if you're looking for a feminist fight go somewhere else...I'm just trying to explain my point of view here without the need for politically correct explanations)...

If a girl admits she's pregnant, as a church we condemn her because she had sex outside of marriage. She's labeled as sinful. So what do we do with the baby? Abortion is out of the question for a born again christian, because we very strongly believe abortion is murder and therefore also sin. That doesn't stop the girl, the guy involved, or any of the soon to be grandparents from entertaining the idea as 'easier' though, really, if we are honest. It enters the mind weather you want it to or not.
Do we force the girl to give it up for adoption and to hide a beautiful gift of life in order to hid her sin? Sadly sometimes that happened(s). Probably more than I realize. Do we force the girl and boy (man and woman) to get married so that the pregnancy outside of marriage is only you know, sort of sinful? What if that's really the wrong thing for these two people and causes way more problems for them in the long run? Cuz, being a divorced mother is just as bad in the church culture as being a single mom, never married (so I hear from a divorced mother of 4). 

It's like "we" as a church culture are trying to figure out which is the least sinful way of "dealing" with an obvious sin. But really, all that is accomplished is that this fictitious girl I've mentioned now feels horrid, rejected, sad and perhaps even angry. Those are NOT the feelings we want a young lady to feel when she has a precious life all curled up inside her, closer to her heart and emotions than anyone else ever could be. With unloving responses to a life situation that should bring joy instead we condemn, reject and judge harshly. This damages all parties involved on a deep level. It binds up and puts all involved in fear. 

Yet, if she had only waited to get pregnant AFTER she was married everything that is sad about the situation would be celebrated and rejoiced, shouted from the rooftops, posted on Facebook, and Instagram, or even Periscoped. WHY!!?? 

It is a thin veil indeed between the two. Which is why I personally have decided I no longer want to react with sadness to the joyous news that someone I know is expecting a baby. Married or not, young or old, financially "set" or barely making it. Those things should not be a factor. Instead, and again regardless of their life situation, I should rejoice with them, and if I'm in their life in any important kind of way, see what I can do to help them. 

Cuz, I've had four babies....and no one knows better than I just how much help, encouragement, love, and a good friendship one could use while raising a family. Whether that love comes once, for a short time, or for a long time, it is always needed. 

For me, it's time to choose love over man made rules.

What response do you choose?

Inclination to Friendship

Who am I? Do you know? Do you have the time, the inclination to find out?

How many people do you know by name when you see them? Is it the same number as your friends list on Facebook? Even if you are one of those people who has pared down your list, purged it of those you only met once in high school, or at the bar, or Zumba...
Who would you call an acquaintance and who would you call a friend? And if you were to call them friend, would they call you friend too?
Does friendship just require vast amounts of time spent together? Or an intense experience? Or is it like Anne and Diane? Bosom friends right from the moment you meet? Is it all or none of the above?

I would actually like to know. I have not grown up with many good experiences with friends. Back bitting and bullying in the school yard scarred me for sure and made me less trusting of others. After becoming a christian in my teen years I witnessed and experienced a lot of hypocrisy and showmanship. I called them "the hair people". The ones who had to look and act right in the right places but the surface was often translucent.

I can not say that I still have one friend from my school years, or from my early christian years. Even the friends who were invited to our wedding are all gone. As kids came with physical health issues, and continued money issues due to my husbands health or employer (really, no fault of his own) I felt more and more alone. No one in the halls of our church wanted to really hear how I was doing. I learned that as people backed away when I would tell them how I was. Literally! Instead I took to emotionally vomiting that stuff out to store clerks or strangers because no one else was interested in getting past my daily issues to find out who I was under all of it.

I know, I felt it too. I didn't want to hear about others issues because I had enough of my own. Nor did I want to hear about the latest blessing that had befallen them. That just made me feel inadequate or forgotten by God. So why would I expect others to want to know me? I didn't. I learned to keep to myself. Even the few people who I did socialize with I learned to keep conversation to their health, the weather, or the last thing one of my kids did in school.

Surface relationship was all I was capable of. Though I desired more I learned to ignore that need. It was unrealistic in the environment I lived in. I didn't think I was worthy enough for someone to get to know. I don't think I even knew who I was! All I saw was the circumstances that continually surrounded our family. I was drowning in circumstances and had no one to help point me in the right direction since I had learned not to tell anyone about it. I was too much.

Five years ago we moved here, to Fredericton, New Brunswick. This is the city, in a Province whose motto is Hope Restored in which I found my first REAL friend. She loved me when I was harsh. She loved me when I was broken. She loved me when I was over whelmingly too clingy. I went through every emotion and level, stage, or expression of wrong and right relationship. Her and her husband both continued to approach me with wisdom and Gods love knowing that God created me with gifts and as a gift. I just needed some consistent love from them for all of us to see that I was capable of having a healthy friendship and too see the gifts deeply hidden within and under all the years of overwhelming circumstances. They found me worthy to get to know!

It took most of three years for that revelation to come to me and for me to be capable of healthy relationship. But I got there! For the last two years I have more or less felt calm, and comfortable because I knew that there were at least two people in this world I could confide in, wrestle with and just enjoy time with.

They recently moved away.

I have tried to continue to build relationship with others. People who would also pursue relationship with me. It was going well for a while but I feel I have hit a snag. I'm doubting that anyone but my friend and her husband could ever really love me. Life is so busy, schedules are different and changes have happened in the community all causing road blocks to the ease of the slightly deeper than surface relationships that I have enjoyed over these last few years. Others pull away for reasons unknown. Some have schedules that just don't mesh with my new life of full time work. Others had good friends of their own for some time so they seemed to have no interest in going deep with me. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone. Except this time I know what I'm missing because for awhile I actually had something so very precious.

One friendship I have pursued hard. At first in a mentor type position. Then I tried being the one who was only the listener, instead of the advice giver. Whether right or wrong I eventually shifted to the place of equals and still try to grow deeper in relationship. Sharing from my heart, my emotions, and my history. She has done the same many times. I have allowed full access to every part of my life. I have given in every way I think it is possible to give with the only thing I want in return is deep friendship. Someone I can call on no matter what, no matter when. Someone willing to listen to my stupid ideas, heart aches and joys.

I want someone who will slap my hand and hug me at the same time. A true friend. Nothing more than what I already offer her. But often times I feel nothing but a push and a wall go up. A backing away and a shutting off. And what's hardest about that is I don't know why. Am I getting too personal? Is she just not interested in this depth of friendship with me, because she already has others (or cuz it's me)?

At times I want to give up and go back to being closed off and stone hearted. It was less confusing for one. Less hurtful. And three, it was less mentally time consuming! I seem to over think what's going on, or is not going on. What am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. What is me and what is her? It's exhausting. I have even shed tears over my worries.

I suppose true Godly, unconditional love loves regardless of what it gets back. Even if it looks nothing like what you what it to look like. Or if it's nothing at all! Unconditional means exactly that! No conditions.

I could just be imagining the feeling of a barrier between us. It could be that I still don't really know what friendship actually looks and feels like. It's most likely that I am over expecting and because of that imagining everything else. I don't know. That is why I'm writing. To explore my feelings, thoughts, and heart regarding what friendship means and looks like and feels like. I bet it's even supposed to be different with different people.

I wonder, how does God feel when I shut Him out because He got a little too personal with me? He thinks I'm worth knowing, and pursuing. Or, so I'm told.

A Poem, just for a change.

I thought I'd change it up a bit tonight and post a poem I finished today.
I'm not the kind who tends to ponder long on poems. Long for me is just a half to a full hour at most. So this one is different. I have been pondering it for about a week now, but I wrote it today.
Don't think it's some earth shatteringly deep revelatory literary work. I'm not going to say I'm not capable of that, but I've not studied writing or practised much. I've never even read one of the top 100 novels. It's not a life ambition of mine. Not on a bucket list, which I don't have either.
But! This poem did come from inspiration. A friend on Facebook posted a photo with three words. I thought they would make a great album name, since she is a beautiful singer and musician. Then a few days later she had on her status the first line of this poem. I found it profound and mentioned it would make a great line in a song. Strangely enough, she claimed to not even have posted it. It was a hacked post. 
Funny how God is. Sometimes you can find inspiration, clues, and even destiny wrapped up in the most unsuspecting places. Or in the most unusual wrapping! This was one for me. I just couldn't forget the title or the line. I've mulled it over and it wouldn't let go of me. I had to put down something. 
Not sure if it's exactly what I wanted to write at all, but it is what came out. So I'm deciding to trust that this is what was meant to come out. 
I hope you like it.
Jenn

The Wise Ocean

By Jennifer J. Mersereau

June 3rd, 2012

Your life is full of whimsy and dance-filled meanings

Shades of blue and green mingle 

As sun and sky softly caress the surface

Which moves and stands still all at once

Forcing feelings to breach the bubble

Light penetrates and opens opportunity

Breath held for just a moment

Then motions become one

Both cold and warmth envelope gently

Sense of time stands still

Or rushes up to catch you

It can hold you in its hands

It can tumble you out like dice

Deep and deeper still

Falling up and out

Drifting through and from and to

Face up and eyes wide open

Nothingness feels so real

Everything osculates at once

Carried by the wind and water

Even sky stands still

Solid form is just a fragment

Imaginary thoughts escape

Fire submerged ignites within

Travailing to love

Whispers the Wise Ocean,

Ripples the Wise Ocean,

Swells the Wise Ocean,

Thunders the Wise Ocean