A Problem With Christianity

Lets face it, there are many problems with christianity because, well it involves people. As soon as people get involved in anything something is going to go wrong.

Well "people" have had ahold of Christianity for too long and made all kinds of stupid decisions, and rules. In fact, I have come to believe much of what we see, either in the news of Right Winged Evangelicals, or right in your local neighbourhood church is more man made rules and traditions than what the Creator of the Universe actually intended for us. Here's one example.

(Please, keep in mind as you read, I was one of these judgmental christians that I describe. This comes out of the process of relearning to think for myself, I am exploring who I was and who I want to be now. I do not write this to condemn anyone, but hopefully to show that love must always win.)

Sex before marriage. Hot topic right? In theory most christians who have been in any one church long enough will eventually come to hear, if not fully believe that sex before marriage is wrong, and well, down right sinful! Though nowhere in the Bible does it actually say the words 'sex before marriage is sinful' it does address the issues of adultery and sexual immorality as condemnable. The closest thing then to condemning sex before marriage comes from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:2 (AMP), where he says, "But because of the temptation to impurity and to avoid immorality, let each [man] have his own wife and let each [woman] have her own husband." It's understandable how they came to this conclusion to some degree. Today we see culturally that what we tolerate today becomes the Norm just one generation later. It's just unfortunate that we end up getting told what to do, or not do based on fear instead of love. Back to my point...

As a result, on the whole, the 'church' says SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE IS SINFUL.

So, what do we do when someone in our youth group (everyone knows as least one, no?) or our own child (god forbid!) in absolute fear, reveals that she is pregnant?!? What do you do? 

Well, I know what my reaction was when I heard at 17 that another girl in my youth group was pregnant and the christian father was not in the picture anymore. I felt sad. Sad that she was alone, sad that she was having a baby, sad for the baby. Not once did I feel excited that she was having a baby! I was taught the whole situation was sad. I wasn't close friends with her to begin with, so it never effected my relationship with her, but maybe this mindset I had learned prevented me from having a friendship with her later on. I was biased against her, for all the wrong reasons when what she really needed was love and support. 

I also recall feeling sad for her parents and family. I was young, but knew her pregnancy meant her whole family was now judged harshly by the church at large. 'That poor family'. Obviously this daughter had a rebel spirit. They were such a good upstanding family in the church, until then...I never saw much of her after the rumour of her pregnancy spread through the church. It's no wonder really.

So let me dissect this a bit. 

If a girl (I'm not picking on girls...if you're looking for a feminist fight go somewhere else...I'm just trying to explain my point of view here without the need for politically correct explanations)...

If a girl admits she's pregnant, as a church we condemn her because she had sex outside of marriage. She's labeled as sinful. So what do we do with the baby? Abortion is out of the question for a born again christian, because we very strongly believe abortion is murder and therefore also sin. That doesn't stop the girl, the guy involved, or any of the soon to be grandparents from entertaining the idea as 'easier' though, really, if we are honest. It enters the mind weather you want it to or not.
Do we force the girl to give it up for adoption and to hide a beautiful gift of life in order to hid her sin? Sadly sometimes that happened(s). Probably more than I realize. Do we force the girl and boy (man and woman) to get married so that the pregnancy outside of marriage is only you know, sort of sinful? What if that's really the wrong thing for these two people and causes way more problems for them in the long run? Cuz, being a divorced mother is just as bad in the church culture as being a single mom, never married (so I hear from a divorced mother of 4). 

It's like "we" as a church culture are trying to figure out which is the least sinful way of "dealing" with an obvious sin. But really, all that is accomplished is that this fictitious girl I've mentioned now feels horrid, rejected, sad and perhaps even angry. Those are NOT the feelings we want a young lady to feel when she has a precious life all curled up inside her, closer to her heart and emotions than anyone else ever could be. With unloving responses to a life situation that should bring joy instead we condemn, reject and judge harshly. This damages all parties involved on a deep level. It binds up and puts all involved in fear. 

Yet, if she had only waited to get pregnant AFTER she was married everything that is sad about the situation would be celebrated and rejoiced, shouted from the rooftops, posted on Facebook, and Instagram, or even Periscoped. WHY!!?? 

It is a thin veil indeed between the two. Which is why I personally have decided I no longer want to react with sadness to the joyous news that someone I know is expecting a baby. Married or not, young or old, financially "set" or barely making it. Those things should not be a factor. Instead, and again regardless of their life situation, I should rejoice with them, and if I'm in their life in any important kind of way, see what I can do to help them. 

Cuz, I've had four babies....and no one knows better than I just how much help, encouragement, love, and a good friendship one could use while raising a family. Whether that love comes once, for a short time, or for a long time, it is always needed. 

For me, it's time to choose love over man made rules.

What response do you choose?

God Encounter

I love God encounters. Unfortunately I have found they don’t come often, or last long. My experience has been one of frustration regarding this area. I use to have God encounters often a few years ago. Back before our church kind of fell apart. I still miss those days. Those were the days when I had people of faith loving me for who I was and what I was becoming as if they were one and the same. I felt loved and validated, so I was able to feel that love from God too. It was easy then to just be in His presence and experience Him. 

My experiences of feeling His presence included whole body trembling. It was not so visible from the outside, but internally I felt like I was on continual Vibrate. Once it lasted three whole days, until I literally couldn't take it anymore and asked God to stop. It still happened from time to time after that, just not as long as that time. But it also happened fewer and farther between until I just never seemed to sense His physical manifestations anymore. 

The last one I can recall I wrote about here in this blog. I had gone for a random roaming in the car with my friend. She controlled the playlist and I drove. By the time we got back to the city I was drunk in the spirit and not driving safely anymore. When we arrived at her place I literally crawled into her kitchen and laid laughing on the floor. I couldn't go anywhere. I was enjoying every second of the spiritual drunkenness. It was a first time for me, and never having been drunk on alcohol before this was truly a first. It ended abruptly when I was told to quiet down…my first spiritual drunk was squelched by someone I thought would understand and would have grace to let me enjoy it. I left feeling deflated by her instead of built up and encouraged by His encounter. That was three years ago perhaps….and the last physical manifestation of God I have experienced, until last weekend.

Fast forward to Valentines Weekend 2015. My husband and I were away for the weekend out of town at a lovely hotel. Snowed in on Sunday we literally just hung out resting most of the day. Sometime before dinner I turned on my computer to WorshipMob on Youtube and watched their version of Say Something. It is a song that will stop you in your tracks and arrest your heart. It is powerful! It is also very beautifully sung. Such emotion in the voices. I let the music and the words penetrate me. I felt them. I associated with them. And I worshiped Him. 

After listening to that song at least three times I moved on to a few of their other covers, Oceans was one. Another powerful song when you listen to the words. And I felt them deeply. Then I became aware that I was twitching and shaking. A physical manifestation of Gods presence, finally! This was not a self induced reaction, but it was a familiar reaction for me. The feeling caused me to wiggle, or twitch. My body was reacting like I was being gently kicked in the stomach and I was reacting in slow motion. I couldn't stop it if I wanted. I can't make myself do it, not the same anyway. And when Gods presence rests on you it is not something you want to go away, or try to reproduce on your own. It’s often different for each person how He responds to you and in you. That’s the best I can do to describe it. It's wonderful and intimate. 

I had SUCH revelation while I worshiped and enjoyed His weight on me. I wrote a friend later trying to described it, but I just couldn’t do it justice in such a short description.

Specifically when I was listening to Oceans (originally by Hillsong United) I was most moved by these lyrics….

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour

These words just brought me to a realization that I, having sung them many times before, fully asking God with all my heart to do exactly this. To take me to new places, where I have no preconceived ideas of what to expect. To take me in places I would never think to wander myself....and here I am, doing just that!

My revelation was not done!

Here is what I wrote (and I’ll probably add for clarification) to my friend later that night.

“A surprising evening connecting with God tonight with some really meaningful worship music.

I did not feel condemned, which I suspected I would seeing as I’ve pulled myself away from most church related activities. I did not feel wrong, sinful, judged or anything negative at all. Quiet the opposite in fact! I felt the lack of resistance because of the music and therefore more open to Him. And more moved by Holy Spirit. I actually had a physical manifestation of His presence. A gentle shaking that came and went. I’ve had that same reaction to Him before. I felt like I was being affirmed that I was on exactly the right path for my life. Heading the right way. It’s not the path or direction any regular church goer would ever understand. In fact all of them would probably assume I am further from God than I ever have been before.

Most similar image to what I saw in my vision.

No! This is a mountain top experience! This is revelation! I am at a new vantage point in which I can see others the same way Jesus see us. He does not look at us with lenses or filters at all, except the filter of His shed blood, the lens or His Fathers love. I too can now see others from above, from His vantage point, and without the lenses dictated by society, or denomination, or even culture. I can see humanity in its purity. without spot or wrinkly. And we are perfect!”

I haven't been able to force myself to sit and worship for a long time. This evening it just came naturally. With no effort at all. Feeling His presence physically also came without me trying. Before it was usually something I strived for, to earn or to stretch for, hoping that if I was just maybe good enough in the last week, or honest hearted enough maybe I would sense Him in some way. For the first time it happened without the ache of trying, or striving, or the mental anguish of, “I’m not worthy”. For the first time it just came because I had stopped trying. I stopped resisting. The negative speak in my head had stopped weeks ago, so nothing was telling me I couldn't do it…but instead I was lost in the moment and just was…and then He showed up!

A Letter to my fellow Christians

Dear Christian Brothers and Sisters;

     Today I have decided to finally write to you. I write because I am hurt once again by your continued ignorance and judgments levied against me. Yes, I know you mean well and think you are looking out for my best interest. But your finger pointing only results in at least three fingers pointed right back at yourself. So today I'm going to show you what you look like from my perspective.

General Background....
I have four children and a loving husband. All of whom were born and diagnosed with a bone disorder causing them to fracture easily. An additional side effect is the possible development of scoliosis. All four kids did develop some degree of it, my younger two far worse. Both need medical intervention to some degree. One needs surgery by March or April of 2015. The other now wears a brace to hopefully prevent her from ever getting to the point of needing surgery.  That's where we are right now. An emotionally difficult stage somehow wishing and barely hoping that God will intervene THIS time to correct their backs without the need of surgery.


The History....
Due to this disorder, the lack of understanding, and educated doctors locally we had to seek out help. We needed medical specialists who have been studying this connective tissue disorder and treating it successfully. We were blessed enough to find world renowned doctors in Montreal. And I literally mean world renowned! They are the top specialists in the field of research and treatment for connective tissue disorders who actually travel the world. What a blessing to find such knowledgable physicians and researchers, who are also very gifted at treating children. We have also never paid for any of the travel, hotel stays, or our food while there. This includes airfare! Never have we had to pay out of pocket for one trip. Nor have we ever had to pay for orthopaedic or bracing appliances. That's been probably thousands of dollars alone!

So for 17 years now we have been attending appointments at least twice a year in Montreal, and St. Louis, Mo (during a four year stint in the States). All four children have improved in their bone density and thus reduced the number of fractures due to the treatments they receive and the instruction we have all gotten regarding everyday living. Like what to avoid, what to do, what to eat, and what not eat. The quality of their lives and our families life has only improved because of these wonderful specialist.

The Shame.....
My only insinuated shame comes from where I take my children to get this free and amazing medical care. We go to The Shriners Hospital for Children. 
Yes, you are correct, the Shriners have to be Masons before they can be Shriners. And if you are a christian who believes in the power of healing you have no doubt heard that to be connected to a Mason is also to be subject to the vows they take of secrecy when they join. 
So out of the goodness of peoples hearts I have had books pushed in my face about the Masons. I have been told, bluntly, that we need to stop going to the Shriners hospital and renounce the curse we have taken on our family for going. 
It's as if Christ's death did nothing to protect us from this present evil at all!

The Result.....
I had to come to a place where I could attend the hospitals for the great care my children still needed but have a blanket statement to give you well meaning busybodies. This is it..."The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the just". Being a christian, saved by His Grace I am now a new creation. I am now a Saint. And as such I have the right and privilege to take and use what was meant, or spoken, in evil and receive it as a part of my inheritance and blessing. I was at peace with this until one of my daughters heard someone talking about the Shriners and she came to me wondering why there was any negative associated with going there, as she has done since birth. You were no longer dealing with me, you touched the innocent heart of my child! Mother bear has just been woken!

In Conclusion......
So, let me say this, well meaning Brother and Sister in Christ. Your well meaning stinks of self righteous judgement. Not once has any who criticized me for taking my children to the Shriners Hospitals and told me to break ties with the organization ever offered an alternative.
Not one individual, church or ministry, has ever offered to stand with us and pray daily, or hourly, for as long as it was necessary to see full healing and restoration in any one of my children. Nor has any of those mentioned ever offered to pay for our flights, our food or our hotels to visit these very same doctors in the Montreal Childrens Hospital, where they also practice.  

If I am so in the wrong for taking my children to get the medical care they required because I am not walking in faith, or taking on a curse under a particular philanthropical  association due to their own lack of wisdom by making a vow against God (have grace, they do not know what they are doing), then how much more are you, dear brother and sister in the wrong for judging me for doing my best for the care and health of my children when the very brothers and sisters I need to stand with me and fight abandon me?!

The Encouragement.....
Let me not be accused of lashing out hatefully at you for your own lack of wisdom brothers and sisters. I want to take this last moment to encourage you. Please, lay your hands on the sick, cast out demons so that they all recover. Seek and chase after the signs and wonders Jesus told us we will also do in Mark 16:15-18. Let this only be a reminder and even a wake up call to you Church, that sometimes  (probably more than we would like) you will need to make the commitment to walk that difficult road WITH the sick, the lame and the demon possessed in order for there to be full joy for all when the restoration does come. What is there to loose in the perseverance in such matters? What is there to gain should be the real question. 
For, as it is in my case, I have very nearly left the fold over the years of your judgments. Angered, beaten down and discouraged by always seeming to not be strong enough in my faith, or good enough for your help. How much different could our lives have been if only one person made the commitment to walk with us in this difficult journey of multiple health issues, and just prayed for even one of my children every time they saw them, or thought of them? What if we were encouraged instead of repeatedly discouraged in doing the best for our children that we knew to do?
So, learn from us. We were worthy of the effort, but no one seemed up to the task of taking on a long term commitment. Oh, the rewards that could have been gained by ALL of us! So instead keep in mind, the next person you see most probably needs the same kind of love, encouragement and commitment that we have been denied. Unless maybe, I'm really just expecting too much....

"Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you."

~ 2 Corinthians 13:11

Lessons Learned Through the Trenches

God does the most unusual things sometimes!

So, much to my husbands dislike awhile back I had accepted a friend on Facebook from my past. High school in fact. Some guy I went on a date with once.
I must have liked him. I have since found I had put a star beside his picture in my school yearbook. Grade ten.  He says we saw Ghostbusters. I thought he was a different guy with the same first name. When I realized it wasn't I thought he was another guy I knew, also the same first name. I'm so ridiculous! I felt real badly that I didn't remember the date. He had contacted me to actually apologize for dumping me after that first and only date. I forgave him, but what I fool I felt for not remembering him!
I guess that also means I wasn't completely devastated that he dumped me.  I could go on about my unlovely teenage years, and the many heartaches I did suffer....but I'm going to stick to the topic, GOD's amazingly weird sense of humour!

So, apologies given, and forgiveness received. That was that. Or so I thought.

The other night, midnight my time he messages me on Facebook. Want's to ask me a question.  I got nervous. Had a weird thing happen on Facebook less than five years ago....Thankfully his question was not weird. In fact it was ridiculously surprising! He had seen from some of my status updates that I was a christian. So this was his question...
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions for someone who has had a falling out with the Big guy?"

Well! Knock me over with a feather! That was definitely a great and unexpected, but lovely question! Unfortunately it was asked at a late hour. So I did respond a bit and he admitted I got his brain churning, but sleep was calling, cuz us 'over 40's' just can't stay up all night like we could when we were young.

My response was basically that even if he felt like he had a falling out with God, God was still right there beside him. God had never gone anywhere, only my friend thought He had. That's common
really in situations where we pull away from God. It makes us feel like God is across a great chasm and it is too difficult to reach Him again. But in reality, though we are blind to the spirit world around us, God never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is always faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to Him. God makes big promises, and He never breaks them!  

So, since our conversation got cut short due to the late hour I thought I would try to respond a bit more here with what's been on my heart since. My friend and his wife can read this weird little blog I started and see how I have struggled but continue to pursue God anyway. In spite of the anger, disappointment and lack of support I have had and still deal with sometimes.

Things I have learned over the last few years keep me coming back to God, and not giving up. Like, for instance, just because we don't understand the "answer" doesn't mean God broke a promise, or isn't with us. It means we don't see everything from His perspective, like He does. And, just because Gods people don't know how to react, or respond, or even love us the way we need during and after a crisis doesn't mean God is rejecting us. All it means is people don't know how to respond. They are fallible people, just like me. I don't know everything, am not a mind reader, and in some cases have not been taught how to respond to some situations others might be dealing with. This is where I need to grow in grace towards them. I have to choose to not be offended when someone does not respond towards me how I expect them to respond to me. 

Something I have also come to realize. Todays culture and societal norms do not prepare us to walk through tough life issues with others over long periods of time. For instance. The first time my husband had heart surgery he was in hospital for two whole months. When he did finally returned
home, he was weak and under weight, but he was alive! We had three small kids at the time, aged from 5 months to 4.5 years old. The first few weeks of his hospitalization I had casserole dishes and meals piled in the freezer. We had visitors to the hospital and cards too wishing my husband a speedy recovery. Then when he got home no one visited, no one called, and no one brought over prepared meals. But this was the hardest time for me! My mother who looked after the kids during the hospital stay was now gone home so I was left to look after all three kids myself AND after my husband who had very little strength to do much but eat and sit and dress himself. Plus I had the house to keep up, bills to do (with much less income on sick leave), and daily chores like groceries or laundry. At first my hubby could not even watch the kids by himself. I was way more in need of help when he got home just like when he first went in hospital. But I never told anyone that. And no one asked. 

We had been the flavour of the month at church. Then suddenly no one was there to help. But they didn't know I still needed it. Only someone who has endured a long battle emotionally, or physically would understand just how long the battle really is! It's not really over when you put on aires and show up to church with smiles on you're faces. Sometimes that's only the half way marker, or not even that! Sometimes it's just easier to pull away and not say anything.
But God created us to be in community with one another. So when someone doesn't know, we must ask for the help. We must open our mouths and say we are not happy, we are depressed, we are struggling with our faith or we are too tired to fight anymore, or we need help putting food on the table! If we don't then we are not giving others the opportunity of being a blessing to us. Or the blessing of learning how to walk through a difficult time in another persons life. These are character building times, for us but also for the outsiders who don't know any better. 

Yes, this above is giving the benefit of the doubt that people are naturally good at heart and want to help. I have also experienced people literally backing away from me as I tried to answer their question of how I was. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed by their own life troubles and honestly don't want to "deal" with someone else's stuff. That's fair too. I've been there myself. Doesn't make it feel any better when you are in desperate need of support though. 


So that is the time it would be wise to turn to God and bury your head into His chest and let Him
support you. (I'm speaking to myself here...this is good advice!) Tell Him all your fears, and hurts, and needs. Tell Him you are mad, or sad, or broke, or desperate for normal...whatever that is. Tell Him! He is a great big God, He can handle our emotions. He is not afraid of us getting angry, or angry at Him. He is not shaken by our fears, or lack of faith.  When our small children come to us afraid, or heart broken, or mad at us a good parent does not turn them away and say get your act together! No! We turn to our children, gather them up in our arms, maybe rock them a little and whisper things in their ears to calm them, and show them they are loved. How much more will our Father in Heaven do that for His children!!? All we need to do is turn to Him as tell Him.

The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

The Lunch Date

I had the privilege of having lunch with a dear friend today. One who pursued me after a long absence. Daily life just got in the way I guess, for both of us. It seems to get in the way of a lot actually.

My friend is just a two years older than my father,  though I look to her as a grandmother figure in my life. The spiritual grandmother I never had. (for those who do not know me, I was saved at 17, but none of my family was or is following Jesus). I had no christian women in all my years of walking The Way to mentor me. None that is until I move to where I am now just six years ago. It is here that women, two specifically, mentored me. One my age, who is more like a spiritual mother, and the second who is like a spiritual grandmother. Both loved me out of my shell. Speaking life into me. Encouraging me to pursue what God placed in me. They taught me I can be imperfect and still be loved by God. They encouraged me in my parenting, in my marriage, and in my other relationships. Melting my walls and coaxing me to be who God created me to be, instead of being ashamed of who I was. I still have a ways to go of course. Don't we all!

But then just as suddenly, they are now mostly out of my life. I have missed them, and also who they were in my life.

So lunch with my friend. It brought back memories of what things used to be like. The things I miss most. Things like openly speaking of Gods giftings in the other person. Questions like, what had I been hearing from God lately? The encouraging words from someone who really knows me, whom I was safe with. And truthfully, I have not been in that kind of company in so long that I was unable to function in the same way back to her, though I wished deep in my heart that I could have at that moment. I just felt so empty.
As we parted we made plans to see each other once a month. It was good to re-connect. I am glad to know I am not fully abandoned.

What's in the Purge?

Today, I have the day off.
I typically go out on my days off or I end up sitting in my Pj's most of the day catching up on my shows that aired on the weekend. Sometimes I don't.

Today is one of those days. Today I thought I would clean my daughters bedroom. It's 12:30 pm here and I have yet to step foot in her room. I got distracted by the bathroom. I started to clean it first. I have yet to wash or wipe down anything in there yet too. I got distracted again. By all the jewelry making a mess on my counter. 
As neat as I have tried to be and as organized as I can be by having hooks on the wall for necklaces and a three tiered jewelry stand it all got crowded and....umm, dusty. Midway through cleaning I decided to purge my unused and unwanted jewelry. Why return to the same place that which I will not ever wear? In fact I was just speaking to a friend last night about the general rule for cleaning out closets and drawers. Anything not worn in the last six months, or the entire last season it was good for, pitch it! I've not really had to live by THAT particular rule much since we tended to move every three or less years over the course of our 22 year marriage that I had many opportunities to purge with each move. Weight eventually played a role in the purge of clothing sessions I had sometime around 10 years ago. 

Interestingly, I have never really purged my jewelry in all that time. Mind you I've not really been a big fanatic about jewelry. I'm very much a practical person when it comes to spending money or purchasing and asking for gifts. We've never had a lot of money for my husband to buy me expensive babbles. I like things, like sapphires and diamonds, and silver, but practicality doesn't give me much opportunity to wear such things. I've been a stay at home Mom for most of our married years and only recently have been working full time....at a job that I can't wear any jewelry at, except stud earrings. Which I of course had almost none of so I had to increase my daily options by picking out some cute ones at Claire's.

Now let me get down to the nitty gritty of this purge though! Cuz, if you have ever done a good purge of stuff you know how therapeutic it can be, but also how revealing! The benefit that can come out of a good clean up can be as simple as just feeling lighter and less cluttered. Though if you are even a slight bit like me you will tend to "see" a little deeper into yourself through the process. I am very thankful that the one thing I did not see about me is that I am NOT a hoarder. 
Much of what I have (or did have) can be classed into a few categories. Used regularly, For special occasions, Inherited, and Never used. There are sub-categories, like the wonky bracelets, or too small necklaces my kids made me over the years, or the favourite earring that I lost one of and somehow expect to find the missing one. Most of the subcategories I actually pitched today. Loose beads rolling around in the bottom of a jewelry box I have hidden in my closet. String with little more than three beads and a plastic charm or empty wire, hooks and half a clasp all found in the old candy jar from Nana that became a catch-all. All gone. Mind you the jar still has stuff I just can't be bugged running around the house to return to their places yet....one day I'll get to that too.

The interesting stuff was not the old gifts from chubby hands so long ago. Now the stuff that was revealing was the actual jewelry I have kept but don't wear. I have gold (or gold coloured) necklaces that I have not worn in 20 years and probably will not wear again, but I keep them because they were given to me and hold sentimental value. Old crosses, empty chains, a blue stone heart with no chain, a tarnished "silver" bracelet given to me by my husband and my first two kids. How do you throw those things out?

 Most of these I have kept.
Including the most telling piece of all!
 A necklace from Avon. I can remember wearing it at the age of eight maybe. My Mother had given it to me, maybe for my birthday one year. I don't remember. It is gold with an oval charm, engraved with a saying, "Thursdays child has far to go". I was born on a Thursday. There is a poem that speaks to each day of the week a child was born. It was cute back then when I was innocent. Before I knew the power of words spoken over people. (Poor Wednesday's Child! Worse off then Thursdays)

I returned the necklace to it's hiding place and was about to actually clean the bathroom now that the mess was dealt with when it slowly dawned on me. I have been living under that prophesy from that necklace most of my life! That cute kids poem is saying that Thursday children don't measure up to the standard! We have a long way to go to get there. Lots of work to do to "make it", to achieve life's goals. In fact that one little statement is left open ended....who says Thursdays child actually gets to where they are trying to go?  
I know in my knower that I just found a root in why I felt like I never measured up all my life. I have  lived always feeling like my parents liked my sister better. That she was smarter, prettier, and more talented then I. I was never told those things by my parents, or my sister for that matter. It's just what I always felt. I can't remember not thinking that way as I grew up. In my own comparisons to my peers at school or at dance I felt less then all of them. That feeling of not measuring up followed me into my marriage, into parenting and into my walk with God. No wonder I felt like I just couldn't be loved by God! Right from the get go I thought I didn't measure up to His standard, because I had far to go. I was starting at a disadvantage. How could I ever expect to measure up?!!

Well bless my socks I am now free! That necklace is now in the garbage. Never again will I hang that around my neck (metaphorically too) and feel inferior. I refuse to keep it and pass it on to one of my children. I also could not in good conscience allow someone else to put that mentality onto another child by selling or giving away that necklace. 

No. It is where it belongs, along with the false belief that I have far to go. No, I am now free of that. I, just like you, am exactly enough, not too much, and not starting off behind the eight ball. 
I DO measure up and I do bring great things to the table! 
Praise God...

Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!

We are all the same.

One day I had someone tell me I was just like everyone else.
It stung.
Not because they were being harsh, or putting me down, but because they were right.
I am just like everyone else. I was noticing this on my own before being told, and that's why the statement stung for so long.

Once, a long time ago I would have never admitted it publicly but I thought of myself as better then some. You know the ones. The ones whose sin or misguided judgement was obvious and in your face. As obvious as blatant sexual perversities,  lewdness, or drunkenness. Even, dare I say, as innocent as bad hygiene or dental habits! Of course I was better then they were, I thought. I had it together. I was clean, tidy, had all my teeth, and they were straight. I was polite and impure thoughts just didn't enter my mind. I was never lewd, rude or out of control. By human standards I was a "good" person.
What a fool I was!
All those things are surface stuff. Just extensions or outward signs of what is in the heart. But I had stuff, and still do, that I was unwilling to admit then. Stuff I'd be hard pressed to admit openly now except to say that I am not perfect and I know it.

What lead me, and leads most of us to assume some are better then others? It is the humanness in us that judges based on degrees of good or bad. The human assumption that murder is worse then rape. But murder and rape are WAY worse then gossip. Yet all are deemed as sin according to the Old Testament. All sin is equal to God. All sin hides us from His sight. Creates a barrier between He and we, and between each other. It stops the flow of His love, and can even create hate within us. Hate in our hearts towards another is just as bad as murder according to The New Testament.
So if I judge another human as unworthy or less then me I am walking in sin just by the mere act of judging.
Romans 2: 16 says,  'God, by Jesus Christ will judge men in regard to the things which they conceal'. Yet we also read that He bore our sins upon Himself. He took the judgement for us,bearing the blame and the consequence of all our sins against Him and against each other. His judgement was to take our judgement and let us off scotch free! That is so amazing that no selfish, blame-finding human could have thought of it. Only a God of mercy would conceive such a crazy plan and pull it off.
So, where I thought I was better then others I was just the same.

Where I would hope to have shed some of my imperfect humanness I was only ignoring it and focusing on another's imperfect humanness. Degrees may be different, but the motive or cause is the same. The obviousness of my sin may be less visible to others because of my walls, but I was no less in the wrong.
We are ALL the same. Every one of us, in spite of our individualities and uniqueness.
But there is HOPE! If we are all the same in our wrongs, we are also all the same in our forgiveness! Each one of us is forgiven the same. No one can be excluded from the club. No one can excuse themselves from the removal of our sins. Not one of us can do a single thing to make God not forgive us, because it is done all ready! Not one of us can do anything to earn more forgiveness than another person. It is all equal. Christ's blood was spilt for all of us, not one excluded, not one more covered than another. We are all the same, all made equal in His sacrifice.
So, I might not always be able to be in control of my thoughts, emotions, or even my words. I am mighty thankful that should my limited human efforts to keep in check according to how I think I should act, or be that His grace and mercy are available to cover up my multitude of sins when I can't . He has done the same for you too already, without your permission. He didn't need your permission to forgive you. You just only need to accept this fact. It's the kind of thing that could change your life forever if you let it.
It's free, it's good, and its already yours, and mine!
Thank God, cuz there are some days I'm a mess!

TOO HUMAN?

I found today to be a hard day.

I felt inadequate, unprepared, and "too human" to be the kind of help I think I should be as a Bringer of Light. I suppose the point, that many Christians don't get, is that I am inadequate, I will never be always prepared, and I am forever "too human". That is why God sent Jesus.

Right off the bat today a lady at work came and asked me if I knew of anyone, or anywhere to go for her child who was very depressed. She was truly afraid for his life today. I suggested phycologists, some churches have free counselling, or emergency dept if it's really bad....Not much help at all. I prayed the rest of the morning between customers. For his safety, for peace, for Gods presence to be felt and keep him from harming himself, amoung other things. His Mom felt helpless I could see, I felt inadequate!
Thankfully God brought a new person into my coffee shop today. Turns out he is a pastor and I asked him the same question for my friend. He gave me the name and number of another pastor, whom I know. He does crisis counselling and works with a lot of youth. I am thankful that even though I was unprepared to provide the hope this woman, this desperate Mom needed, God heard both our cries for help and sent the right person in for me to meet. It's up to her now if she calls, but God provided what she asked for where I could not.

The other feeling of being "too human" is bigger than any one issue that came up today. It just follows me all the time. Some days I feel quite capable of loving others unconditionally. The joy that God is at work in the lives of others around me just can't help but make me smile. 
Then there are days like today. Where I know my humanness can and sometimes does get in the way of being a good steward of Gods  unconditional love. I am incapable of separating off this human side of me. It does and will again get in the way of my ability to communicate effectively. It can make me look two-faced, or insincere. I am working hard at not allowing my humanness to harm my honour and my witness. I'm not sure I can stop that though. After all I AM human. I do fail. I do screw up, I do have human feelings and thoughts, and emotions. All of which often work against what this spirit of God in me wants to accomplish.

But thanks be to God! He saw that we humans are all too human. God loves us so much that He chooses us anyway. Then He decided to send His only Son, Jesus, the Son of Man to stand in our place for all failing mankind. Jesus did the one thing we humans could not do given our humanness, that was to choose God. Then He took our punishment upon Himself and died, only to rise again from the dead. His work nearly complete.

God chose us, and Jesus, on our behalf chose God. Everything has been done for us. Being picked first, and then choosing God. All of the work done. Death and punishment also fulfilled! The only thing we have to do is accept that it was all done for us and walk into the blessing that God has waiting for us. That blessing is (but not limited to) walking in freedom, in peace, in joy, and in contentment. We didn't have to, nor does He expect us to do anything else to acquire, be worthy of, or have His love. We have it already, we had it from the start. 
Now that this truth has been passed on to you it is up to you what you do with it. You are free to make the call upon His name. He will come to you regardless of how desperate you are. He's been waiting for you already, no questions asked. 

       Thank God my humanness is not a hinderance to Him. 

By Request

For every action there is a reaction. For every cause, an effect. For every thing there is also a counter, or an opposite. 

This is taught on Sesame Street as well as in Public schools from Daycare right through to High School. We learn the opposite of up is down and in is out. We learn that Math has opposites, Science has opposites, even politics have opposites, and counters to the opposition. Music and art have primary and secondary and opposites to the primary’s and secondaries! There is no shortage of opposites for as the saying goes, “Opposites attract”! 

If you have ever read of heard anything about the Bible than you would have probably heard that there is also a Christ and an opposite to Christ, the Anti-christ. Christ’s exact opposite. Both are mentioned often in the books of Daniel and Isaiah, but mostly Revelation. Where Christ leads by example, truth, love, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy the Anti-christ will dominate by fear, heavy handedness, lies and deceit. He will promise one thing but give you another. This is as simplistic an explanation as this non-theologian can come up with now. If it behooves you, please study these books. They are rather interesting, intense and as it is with Revelation, the only book of the Bible that comes with a promise of blessing for those who just read it. Not understanding it, just reading it brings blessing. I digress...

I am by no means a student of phycology, a theologian, or anything else that matters to people of status in society. I am on the other hand a person who watches, listens and deeply cares for and about others. Some people, for some reason, God allows me the privilege of getting to know. Sometimes it is to learn and grow from them. Other times it is to be a blessing to them in some way. This is why this topic I am attempting to broach is before me now. 

So, with my little explanation of opposites in the back of your mind I’m going to just jump right in because I don’t know how else to start this topic. I’ve danced around it now far too long and attempted to write several times all with the result of deleting anything typed.

As every “Christian” knows there are sins in life to be avoided. Promiscuous behavior, alcohol, smoking, cursing, gambling, drugs of any kind and gluttony. When all is said and done, it is anything that takes the place of God in your life that is really the sin. Anything that would consume your resources of time, thoughts, money, respect, and reverence. A lot of things can and do fit in that category, for christians and non-christians alike. I have recently begun to question some of the “do nots” I learned as a new believer over 20 years ago. Like “do not drink” and the more subtle secondary rules that I somehow learned by fear, “do not associate with drinkers, or those who do drugs”.

I’m not sure what was more scary. The idea that they might harm me due to their addictions, or somehow trick me into also becoming addicted! It’s all very silly now when I think about it because Jesus regularly hung out with “sinners”. It was for them He came for to release from their addictions, their sufferings, their heart aches, and their sicknesses. It is very sad that now a large portion of christians cut themselves off from those who need the truth the most...another bunny trail for another blog.

My new found freedom in questioning what I once learned has lead me to someone who smokes weed (See blog “A God Set Up”). I ask a lot of questions he found out. Not because I am enticed by the effects of it, but because I am interested in just learning another point of view. If I learned one thing well in the last few years, it is that there is some truth in everything. I like to seek it out and point it out to others. To bring perspective and clarity.

My seeking and asking has just lead me to more seeking and reading and watching. I have now been introduced to The Joe Rogan Experience and his two hour interview with Graham Hancock who talked about many interesting topics but also DMT, weed and Ayahuasca. I have now searched out and read about Ayahuasca on the internet. I have even watched the movie Growing Op. No, I have not tried weed, nor do I ever plan on it but I have come to an understanding of it. And that is what all this is about. 

The thing that struck me the most was Graham Hancock's explanation of the hallucinogenic drink Ayahuasca used in the Amazon. He continued to refer to it as if it had a personality. He said it is possible to ‘ask her for something’. He described that partaking of Ayahuasca should be done as a spiritual experience and “it is nearly always said that people experience profound positive changes in their life subsequent to consuming ayahuasca”. “People who have consumed ayahuasca report having deep insight as how to be the best person they possibly can. This is viewed by many as a spiritual awakening and what's often described as a rebirth.” - Wikipedia 

I had been wondering about all this for days. I knew I would never consume it but there was nothing in its description that sent up red flags as to why I shouldn’t either. Then suddenly it hit me. The way it was describe by Mr. Hancock as a person I realized that it was a counter to Holy Spirit! If there is something that can take the place of God in our lives, and there will be an Anti-christ in the end days then of course there has to also be a counter for Holy Spirit. I actually did discuss this revelation with a local phycologist and he agreed that I was right on with my deduction. It is not so much an escape to partake in these kinds of things, all though it can be. It is rather a desire for more. A desire to find and touch something bigger than ourselves. A desire to overcome the parts of us we hate and become a better person.

Holy Spirit is described as the third person in the trinity of the Godhead. An entity with his own personality and function. “He” is the one who shows us the wrongs in our lives and directs us to be better people. It is in the accepting of Jesus as the Son of God and the subsequent indwelling of Holy Spirit in us when we do believe that is called being “born again”. It is this experience that brings meaning to many peoples lives. An inner joy, peace and contentment, even the feeling of being loved are all ways people have described the rebirth experience. This experience is life time lasting. Even in all that I have been through and described in this blog, or even complained about and questioned, underlying it all is still a hope that keeps me from complete desperation and hopelessness. 

Of course as I understand more I desire more. When I was a new christian the newness in itself was enough. 20+ years later and I desire deeper relationship with God and His people and world. I do desire the overwhelming experience of His joy and love for me. It’s possible for Him to give us those experiences.  There are a few I have experienced I have not yet shared in this forum. Perhaps I will. There is tell of amazing displays of Gods goodness and love in the lives of Mystics. One book to read about that topic would be John Crowders book, The New Mystics. http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Workers-Reformers-New-Mystics/dp/0768423503

What have you experienced of God? Weather it be upon your first accepting Him as your God or since then? Do not think any experience is small or insignificant! God is a good God and will show up and most likely has shown up in your life and made Himself known to you. Share with the rest of us to encourage us and to encourage yourself.

I would love to hear about what you have experienced of God.