The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

A God Set Up

Yerba Mate

I saw weed for the first time yesterday. It looks like Yerba Mate, or alfalfa powder. I was taken aback by the freedom at which it was pulled out and shown to me. More so because I didn't want anyone else to see. It is after all an illegal substance in Canada still. How did I, a 40-something "Christian" Mom come to a place in her life where I would be shown weed? That's a very good question. One that I would have very judgementally assumed an answer to back ten years ago. Instead the answer is so simple it may be shocking to the legalistic mindset, which I used to have.

It's called love and grace. Mountains and oceans of it; and ten years ago I would never have been able to give that answer. Mostly because I had never really understood what those were by experience until only a few years ago.   

I lived a life of faith, fuelled more by fear than by love. I was the one who believed with everything in me that God was good, so long as I did all the right things. If it was preached from the front of a church with passion and conviction then I would attempt to live it. I sang loud and danced in the aisles. I managed my money with the hopes that if I was a good steward of what we had than more would come our way. I was more interested in what God would do for me or give me for my obedience or passion then I was interested in who He was, or what He had already done for me. I thought that if I prayed consistently for my family then they would be protected. This was reinforced when I forgot to pray for five days in a row and one of our children broke a leg. I was devastated. I ended up feeling more ignored or forgotten by God than loved and blessed because my limited understanding of love was wrong. But at the time I didn't know that. Living this legalistic way brought more pain and hurt than joy and blessing. I see now that the blessings did come, in spite of myself. 

I am a different person now then I was back then. Since that time I have been loved. Truly loved by people who have an amazing understanding of how good God's love is and how encompassing His grace is to those who dare to accept it. I was loved in spite of my crazy, my obsessions, my depression, my fears, my hurts, my lashing out in hurt, my anger, and my stubbornness. I was horrible at relationship because I didn't feel loved or worthy of love. My problems were too big for others to handle and I had nothing of value to offer anyone.  

For a while I lived in the shadows of the former me. My emotional walls, not as high and thick as they once were, still up. I felt like everything was too good to be true. I had stopped reading the Bible. I no longer prayed as often. I didn't write out my prayers like I had once done and I couldn't even sing some of the worship songs with feeling or conviction. I felt like I was in a no mans land waiting for the bottom to drop out. I didn't know how else to live out the middle ground of what I once was and what i now was experiencing. Instead I just shut down.

Now I am so thankful that those walls were loved into pieces! The more freedom I live in the more freedom I learn is available to me. I have found out that I am a treasure hunter. I have the privilege of hunting for and digging out the truth in others. I have the freedom to walk without fear of judgment from others. Conversing with the Poem Guy downtown at the market, finding out what makes him tick. Asking him his name. I head straight for him now when I see him instead of avoiding him like I used to do. He is loved and has value. Just like all of us. Just like the guy who showed me his peanut butter jar half full of weed. He is worthy of being loved. He is worth getting to know. He has gifts and abilities that are essential to others around him. He has value and purpose that goes beyond what he does for a living. I'm hoping that I can pass on a little of that revelation to him just like it was passed on to me. The feeling of freedom that comes with it is so wonderful! 

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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Extension of self

This is the real first post I have done. Yesterdays doesn't count. I just copy and pasted something I wrote years ago. I have tried a few other times to blog, about 7 or 8 yrs ago I tried when we moved into Arkansas. I have no idea what that blog was called. Lost all the info and had only made one post, with a picture!
My second attempt was a couple years ago. I think it was called Red...or something like that. Obviously I didn't do much with that one either. Don't remember passwords or anything from then either. But that was before Blogger allowed you to sign in with your Google account. Made it much easier. Now I don't have to remember a NEW password.
All this is just an extension of who I am though. Good intentions, lack of fortitude to carry it through. Maybe it's more a lack of commitment. I do struggle with that now more then I ever have. I feel like there is no use trying something new because past experience has taught me that it just fails eventually before any good comes from the effort.
Yes, the 'fun loving' and 'always ready to help or be available for coffee' and 'pastoral' Jenn has a bunch of secrets, fears, hurts, and insecurities. Just like everyone else.
I am no longer who I used to be. Parts for the better, other parts for the worse. I used to be much more bold with my faith. I confessed God's word daily over myself and my family. I did not doubt that God would do for me what He did for others in healing, finances, everything! I was probably also a bit more self righteous then I would admit. Now I'm the exact opposite. Not bold in faith at all, but completely full of doubt. I don't confess anymore, nor do I read God's word. I never did see His words full of love. Just condemnation or disappointment. Prayer is mostly gone too. I only pray when Holy Spirit stirs it up so much I can't help but pray, always for someone else. I have no confidence in what I do, but I do not doubt that He still uses me.
Some of the good things that have changed include being much more calm at home. Being more full of love towards others and a greater grace for others. I can have healthy relationships with other women! That's a big one. My wall was so big and thick that I could not keep friends. I always sabotaged them if someone got too close. Not that I let that happen often. Now I have ladies who are friends who I can confide in, who confide in me, who laugh and cry with me, who just enjoy hanging out with me, and love my hugs. Most of which still baffles me. The biggest thing is that none of them have run from me. None of the ladies I know and am friend with now have ever indicated that I was too much for them. In fact I have found the complete opposite, they want more of me.
And that has now become a new growth area...how much do I expose of my deep inner self!?
I guess that is why I started to write this blog. To find out just how much I can let out. How deep can I go and still keep friends, and sanity!
This should be interesting and I'm not so sure I'm ready for this ride.