A God Set Up

Yerba Mate

I saw weed for the first time yesterday. It looks like Yerba Mate, or alfalfa powder. I was taken aback by the freedom at which it was pulled out and shown to me. More so because I didn't want anyone else to see. It is after all an illegal substance in Canada still. How did I, a 40-something "Christian" Mom come to a place in her life where I would be shown weed? That's a very good question. One that I would have very judgementally assumed an answer to back ten years ago. Instead the answer is so simple it may be shocking to the legalistic mindset, which I used to have.

It's called love and grace. Mountains and oceans of it; and ten years ago I would never have been able to give that answer. Mostly because I had never really understood what those were by experience until only a few years ago.   

I lived a life of faith, fuelled more by fear than by love. I was the one who believed with everything in me that God was good, so long as I did all the right things. If it was preached from the front of a church with passion and conviction then I would attempt to live it. I sang loud and danced in the aisles. I managed my money with the hopes that if I was a good steward of what we had than more would come our way. I was more interested in what God would do for me or give me for my obedience or passion then I was interested in who He was, or what He had already done for me. I thought that if I prayed consistently for my family then they would be protected. This was reinforced when I forgot to pray for five days in a row and one of our children broke a leg. I was devastated. I ended up feeling more ignored or forgotten by God than loved and blessed because my limited understanding of love was wrong. But at the time I didn't know that. Living this legalistic way brought more pain and hurt than joy and blessing. I see now that the blessings did come, in spite of myself. 

I am a different person now then I was back then. Since that time I have been loved. Truly loved by people who have an amazing understanding of how good God's love is and how encompassing His grace is to those who dare to accept it. I was loved in spite of my crazy, my obsessions, my depression, my fears, my hurts, my lashing out in hurt, my anger, and my stubbornness. I was horrible at relationship because I didn't feel loved or worthy of love. My problems were too big for others to handle and I had nothing of value to offer anyone.  

For a while I lived in the shadows of the former me. My emotional walls, not as high and thick as they once were, still up. I felt like everything was too good to be true. I had stopped reading the Bible. I no longer prayed as often. I didn't write out my prayers like I had once done and I couldn't even sing some of the worship songs with feeling or conviction. I felt like I was in a no mans land waiting for the bottom to drop out. I didn't know how else to live out the middle ground of what I once was and what i now was experiencing. Instead I just shut down.

Now I am so thankful that those walls were loved into pieces! The more freedom I live in the more freedom I learn is available to me. I have found out that I am a treasure hunter. I have the privilege of hunting for and digging out the truth in others. I have the freedom to walk without fear of judgment from others. Conversing with the Poem Guy downtown at the market, finding out what makes him tick. Asking him his name. I head straight for him now when I see him instead of avoiding him like I used to do. He is loved and has value. Just like all of us. Just like the guy who showed me his peanut butter jar half full of weed. He is worthy of being loved. He is worth getting to know. He has gifts and abilities that are essential to others around him. He has value and purpose that goes beyond what he does for a living. I'm hoping that I can pass on a little of that revelation to him just like it was passed on to me. The feeling of freedom that comes with it is so wonderful! 

A writing project: A Testament of God's Peace in Crisis

I was invited by a friend to attend  a writing class for a few weeks recently. I am glad I did. It was the first time I have made an effort  to learn more about writing. This particular class was about writing a testimony of something God did in our lives. For the first time I had to tell a familiar story from my perspective. I had to express my feelings in the crisis and in the result. This was much harder! I have under valued my own personal experience during my husbands illness because his physical healing and recovery always seemed so much more powerful a story to tell.

So, there are many details missing to this story of the miraculous things God did in saving my husbands life, but here is a small part of that story from my perspective.

A Testament of God’s Peace in Crisis

By Jennifer Mersereau

With a recent move to Winnipeg for a job and our third baby just 3 months old, I felt that our life was finally on the upswing. So when my husband Larry stayed home from his new job with flu like symptoms nothing seemed unusually ominous. Not until he was still sick three days later and difficult to wake up. 

Nine at night I was surprised and concerned to notice blood on a bathroom towel. Inspection found Larry had blood on his lips and tiny red spots all over his face and body, and feet and everywhere I looked. He did not wake with my increasingly frantic investigation until I shook him calling his name repeatedly. He finally did wake, but much to my astonishment he was not at all with it.

The ambulance trip and emergency room stay I walked through in shock. I learned Larry had Endocarditis; an infection in the lining of his heart. The infection had lodged in a heart valve and was throwing off blood clots over his entire body. Those were the red spots I had found all over him, tiny blood clots. In emergency they pumped multiple antibiotics into him at full throttle in hopes of reducing the infection in his blood. I later learned that about 50% of people who contract this type of infection do not survive.

After the first three days of delirium and uncertainty I began to settle into a routine of hospital visits, eating and sleeping. It became my normal. Prayer was big in each hospital room my husband was moved to. We had fully accepted that as God’s children we were not meant to have sickness so that was something I continually spoke against. I, and others with me claimed my husbands health and healing on a daily basis. 

It was a battle though because while we spoke life and healing over Larry, my Mother-in-law continually spoke death and sickness over him. It was becoming more and more evident just how much peace God had given me during this time of crisis as I was forced to deal with my In-Laws daily. They had come to stay while Larry was in hospital, to see their youngest son. 

God’s overwhelming peace was most evident to me the day I walked into the hospital around lunchtime to visit Larry, and was confronted by his folks in the lobby. His Mother approached me angrily. “Hello” I said in my naturally chipper way. “Where have you been”? she laid into me. “You don’t care about Larry! You don’t care that he has an aneurysm in his brain that could rupture at any time”! “You don’t care that he could die at any moment”! Anything else she said went unheard. I was taken aback by the attack. I was deeply hurt. Nothing could have been further from the truth but what could I say? I was very concerned. I was even forced to consider what would happen, and where I would go with our three children should my husband die. Her fears of his demise were unfounded. When I confronted the doctors about the possibility of an aneurysm I was told they had not even done a brain scan yet to know if there was an aneurysm. I decided to instruct the doctors and nurses to not pass on information to my Mother-in-law in order to help reduce the number of things she had to be negative about. I was to control what she knew so I would again not feel like I did not know something about my own husbands condition. 

As time passed another obvious example of God’s peace within me and the lack of peace in my mother-in-law came up. While waiting the five plus hours for the heart surgery to be completed I anxiously avoided my In-Laws. I battled the internal feelings of guilt, hurt and anger towards them. I no longer trusted them. Instead I enjoyed some time laughing and talking in a different room from them with a friend who stayed with me most of the time during the surgery. Once my friend left and I had to return to the surgical waiting room I did not sit close to them at all. The pain I felt from the attack still fresh. When the Surgeon came out of surgery the three of us gathered around him to hear the news. He said, ”Everything went well” , but my relieved response of, “oh good!” went completely unheard because my mother-in-law fainted. 

The physical process of healing for my husband after three surgeries in so many weeks was long but full of much encouragement. I was relieved my In-Laws finally left for home. That alone allowed me to finally process and enjoy the feelings of elation and excitement that I was entitled to feel after such victory in my husband health. We were now able to walk out and speak out our faith without the fear of our words being counteracted at every turn. Larry and I were able to discuss God’s goodness and His peace that I walked in during those hard, stress filled and uncertain days. We continue to marvel at the many large and small miracles that show God’s hand and faithfulness to us in that time of crisis.

Counting My Blessings

So. I’m finding it’s time to count my blessings and take stock of what is so that I have an idea of where I’m going. Do I have goals and what are they? Can I achieve them if I have any? If I don’t maybe it’s time to set some. 

It is time to confront my fears and insecurities to see if God really did dis-own me, or if I’ve just been blinded by circumstances. Did I put up a measuring stick to God that He can’t measure up to? Is it possible to expect too much, or too little of God? 

Can I change who I have become without going back to the old measuring sticks I use to measure life by, myself by, and God by? 

This just might be more than one post...We’ll see once I get going.

Counting my Blessings:  

I have a wonderful family. A husband who loves and adores me. Married 21 years this June. He loves and cherishes our children. We have four amazing kids. All very talented in many divers ways and areas. None the same, but all great. They know how to have fun but are still respectful of each other. They are good kids. Honest, considerate, loving, and faithful.

I had a great and easy childhood at home. Not perfect of course. But drama was not part of our lives. My folks worked, we ate regular meals, had curfews, and chore days. We saw our Grandparents regularly; Aunts, Uncles and Cousins a few times a year. Lived in the same house all my growing up years too. My Dad still lives there. I felt secure, protected, and cared for. (Why don’t I remember that feeling?)

Today we live in a great neighbourhood, a nice house with enough bedrooms, though if I had my way I’d have a couple more bedrooms to house some 20-something friends for cheap. We have always managed to pay our bills eventually, even without full time jobs. We have never missed a mortgage payment. We eat good food, and are never hungry or in want for food or clean water. We may not have the latest thing, or the most stylish clothes but we are well clothed, all six of us. 

Physically we are all doing rather well now. Hubby’s last heart surgery was well over 2 years ago. Our doctors have been keeping him busy with regular tests and check-ups so that we always know if something arises. The kids have not broken any bones in a few years. All four kids having Osteogenesis Imperfecta (or Brittle Bones) has made life very busy at times but there have been no fractures in at least 3 years. YAY!!! 

Our third child was found just over a year ago to have a hole in her heart. It is now fixed and she will have no issue for the rest of her life. If the hole had not been found if would have shortened her life to about 30+ years old. Now she has the opportunity to live a long full life without possible complications from heart/lung issues. 

Me? We’ll I’ve always been the non-issue person in the family. Rarely sick from even colds or flus, taking care of everyone. That was until 2 years ago. But now, my heels are no longer painful. My knees are still sore, but better. Enough so that I can now walk 40 minutes. I’m still having issues but they are so much better. And, I’m on the way to better health. I’ve decided to take care of myself (huge deal for me). I have joined a local gym and have been visiting there 3 to 4 times a week. 

We live in an amazing country. Canada is big, open, full of opportunities and clean. Our water is clean, our air is clean and our streets are clean (for the most part). We have “free” healthcare. Our infrastructure is great across the country, and our economy is fairly stable compared to much of the world.

Tis true! I am very blessed. When going through the daily problems we all as humans have I will remember that God has blessed me with much. 

What has God blessed you with? 

(Yup, this is a few blogs long. I'll keep posting)