Inclination to Friendship

Who am I? Do you know? Do you have the time, the inclination to find out?

How many people do you know by name when you see them? Is it the same number as your friends list on Facebook? Even if you are one of those people who has pared down your list, purged it of those you only met once in high school, or at the bar, or Zumba...
Who would you call an acquaintance and who would you call a friend? And if you were to call them friend, would they call you friend too?
Does friendship just require vast amounts of time spent together? Or an intense experience? Or is it like Anne and Diane? Bosom friends right from the moment you meet? Is it all or none of the above?

I would actually like to know. I have not grown up with many good experiences with friends. Back bitting and bullying in the school yard scarred me for sure and made me less trusting of others. After becoming a christian in my teen years I witnessed and experienced a lot of hypocrisy and showmanship. I called them "the hair people". The ones who had to look and act right in the right places but the surface was often translucent.

I can not say that I still have one friend from my school years, or from my early christian years. Even the friends who were invited to our wedding are all gone. As kids came with physical health issues, and continued money issues due to my husbands health or employer (really, no fault of his own) I felt more and more alone. No one in the halls of our church wanted to really hear how I was doing. I learned that as people backed away when I would tell them how I was. Literally! Instead I took to emotionally vomiting that stuff out to store clerks or strangers because no one else was interested in getting past my daily issues to find out who I was under all of it.

I know, I felt it too. I didn't want to hear about others issues because I had enough of my own. Nor did I want to hear about the latest blessing that had befallen them. That just made me feel inadequate or forgotten by God. So why would I expect others to want to know me? I didn't. I learned to keep to myself. Even the few people who I did socialize with I learned to keep conversation to their health, the weather, or the last thing one of my kids did in school.

Surface relationship was all I was capable of. Though I desired more I learned to ignore that need. It was unrealistic in the environment I lived in. I didn't think I was worthy enough for someone to get to know. I don't think I even knew who I was! All I saw was the circumstances that continually surrounded our family. I was drowning in circumstances and had no one to help point me in the right direction since I had learned not to tell anyone about it. I was too much.

Five years ago we moved here, to Fredericton, New Brunswick. This is the city, in a Province whose motto is Hope Restored in which I found my first REAL friend. She loved me when I was harsh. She loved me when I was broken. She loved me when I was over whelmingly too clingy. I went through every emotion and level, stage, or expression of wrong and right relationship. Her and her husband both continued to approach me with wisdom and Gods love knowing that God created me with gifts and as a gift. I just needed some consistent love from them for all of us to see that I was capable of having a healthy friendship and too see the gifts deeply hidden within and under all the years of overwhelming circumstances. They found me worthy to get to know!

It took most of three years for that revelation to come to me and for me to be capable of healthy relationship. But I got there! For the last two years I have more or less felt calm, and comfortable because I knew that there were at least two people in this world I could confide in, wrestle with and just enjoy time with.

They recently moved away.

I have tried to continue to build relationship with others. People who would also pursue relationship with me. It was going well for a while but I feel I have hit a snag. I'm doubting that anyone but my friend and her husband could ever really love me. Life is so busy, schedules are different and changes have happened in the community all causing road blocks to the ease of the slightly deeper than surface relationships that I have enjoyed over these last few years. Others pull away for reasons unknown. Some have schedules that just don't mesh with my new life of full time work. Others had good friends of their own for some time so they seemed to have no interest in going deep with me. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone. Except this time I know what I'm missing because for awhile I actually had something so very precious.

One friendship I have pursued hard. At first in a mentor type position. Then I tried being the one who was only the listener, instead of the advice giver. Whether right or wrong I eventually shifted to the place of equals and still try to grow deeper in relationship. Sharing from my heart, my emotions, and my history. She has done the same many times. I have allowed full access to every part of my life. I have given in every way I think it is possible to give with the only thing I want in return is deep friendship. Someone I can call on no matter what, no matter when. Someone willing to listen to my stupid ideas, heart aches and joys.

I want someone who will slap my hand and hug me at the same time. A true friend. Nothing more than what I already offer her. But often times I feel nothing but a push and a wall go up. A backing away and a shutting off. And what's hardest about that is I don't know why. Am I getting too personal? Is she just not interested in this depth of friendship with me, because she already has others (or cuz it's me)?

At times I want to give up and go back to being closed off and stone hearted. It was less confusing for one. Less hurtful. And three, it was less mentally time consuming! I seem to over think what's going on, or is not going on. What am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. What is me and what is her? It's exhausting. I have even shed tears over my worries.

I suppose true Godly, unconditional love loves regardless of what it gets back. Even if it looks nothing like what you what it to look like. Or if it's nothing at all! Unconditional means exactly that! No conditions.

I could just be imagining the feeling of a barrier between us. It could be that I still don't really know what friendship actually looks and feels like. It's most likely that I am over expecting and because of that imagining everything else. I don't know. That is why I'm writing. To explore my feelings, thoughts, and heart regarding what friendship means and looks like and feels like. I bet it's even supposed to be different with different people.

I wonder, how does God feel when I shut Him out because He got a little too personal with me? He thinks I'm worth knowing, and pursuing. Or, so I'm told.

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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