Lessons Learned Through the Trenches

God does the most unusual things sometimes!

So, much to my husbands dislike awhile back I had accepted a friend on Facebook from my past. High school in fact. Some guy I went on a date with once.
I must have liked him. I have since found I had put a star beside his picture in my school yearbook. Grade ten.  He says we saw Ghostbusters. I thought he was a different guy with the same first name. When I realized it wasn't I thought he was another guy I knew, also the same first name. I'm so ridiculous! I felt real badly that I didn't remember the date. He had contacted me to actually apologize for dumping me after that first and only date. I forgave him, but what I fool I felt for not remembering him!
I guess that also means I wasn't completely devastated that he dumped me.  I could go on about my unlovely teenage years, and the many heartaches I did suffer....but I'm going to stick to the topic, GOD's amazingly weird sense of humour!

So, apologies given, and forgiveness received. That was that. Or so I thought.

The other night, midnight my time he messages me on Facebook. Want's to ask me a question.  I got nervous. Had a weird thing happen on Facebook less than five years ago....Thankfully his question was not weird. In fact it was ridiculously surprising! He had seen from some of my status updates that I was a christian. So this was his question...
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions for someone who has had a falling out with the Big guy?"

Well! Knock me over with a feather! That was definitely a great and unexpected, but lovely question! Unfortunately it was asked at a late hour. So I did respond a bit and he admitted I got his brain churning, but sleep was calling, cuz us 'over 40's' just can't stay up all night like we could when we were young.

My response was basically that even if he felt like he had a falling out with God, God was still right there beside him. God had never gone anywhere, only my friend thought He had. That's common
really in situations where we pull away from God. It makes us feel like God is across a great chasm and it is too difficult to reach Him again. But in reality, though we are blind to the spirit world around us, God never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is always faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to Him. God makes big promises, and He never breaks them!  

So, since our conversation got cut short due to the late hour I thought I would try to respond a bit more here with what's been on my heart since. My friend and his wife can read this weird little blog I started and see how I have struggled but continue to pursue God anyway. In spite of the anger, disappointment and lack of support I have had and still deal with sometimes.

Things I have learned over the last few years keep me coming back to God, and not giving up. Like, for instance, just because we don't understand the "answer" doesn't mean God broke a promise, or isn't with us. It means we don't see everything from His perspective, like He does. And, just because Gods people don't know how to react, or respond, or even love us the way we need during and after a crisis doesn't mean God is rejecting us. All it means is people don't know how to respond. They are fallible people, just like me. I don't know everything, am not a mind reader, and in some cases have not been taught how to respond to some situations others might be dealing with. This is where I need to grow in grace towards them. I have to choose to not be offended when someone does not respond towards me how I expect them to respond to me. 

Something I have also come to realize. Todays culture and societal norms do not prepare us to walk through tough life issues with others over long periods of time. For instance. The first time my husband had heart surgery he was in hospital for two whole months. When he did finally returned
home, he was weak and under weight, but he was alive! We had three small kids at the time, aged from 5 months to 4.5 years old. The first few weeks of his hospitalization I had casserole dishes and meals piled in the freezer. We had visitors to the hospital and cards too wishing my husband a speedy recovery. Then when he got home no one visited, no one called, and no one brought over prepared meals. But this was the hardest time for me! My mother who looked after the kids during the hospital stay was now gone home so I was left to look after all three kids myself AND after my husband who had very little strength to do much but eat and sit and dress himself. Plus I had the house to keep up, bills to do (with much less income on sick leave), and daily chores like groceries or laundry. At first my hubby could not even watch the kids by himself. I was way more in need of help when he got home just like when he first went in hospital. But I never told anyone that. And no one asked. 

We had been the flavour of the month at church. Then suddenly no one was there to help. But they didn't know I still needed it. Only someone who has endured a long battle emotionally, or physically would understand just how long the battle really is! It's not really over when you put on aires and show up to church with smiles on you're faces. Sometimes that's only the half way marker, or not even that! Sometimes it's just easier to pull away and not say anything.
But God created us to be in community with one another. So when someone doesn't know, we must ask for the help. We must open our mouths and say we are not happy, we are depressed, we are struggling with our faith or we are too tired to fight anymore, or we need help putting food on the table! If we don't then we are not giving others the opportunity of being a blessing to us. Or the blessing of learning how to walk through a difficult time in another persons life. These are character building times, for us but also for the outsiders who don't know any better. 

Yes, this above is giving the benefit of the doubt that people are naturally good at heart and want to help. I have also experienced people literally backing away from me as I tried to answer their question of how I was. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed by their own life troubles and honestly don't want to "deal" with someone else's stuff. That's fair too. I've been there myself. Doesn't make it feel any better when you are in desperate need of support though. 


So that is the time it would be wise to turn to God and bury your head into His chest and let Him
support you. (I'm speaking to myself here...this is good advice!) Tell Him all your fears, and hurts, and needs. Tell Him you are mad, or sad, or broke, or desperate for normal...whatever that is. Tell Him! He is a great big God, He can handle our emotions. He is not afraid of us getting angry, or angry at Him. He is not shaken by our fears, or lack of faith.  When our small children come to us afraid, or heart broken, or mad at us a good parent does not turn them away and say get your act together! No! We turn to our children, gather them up in our arms, maybe rock them a little and whisper things in their ears to calm them, and show them they are loved. How much more will our Father in Heaven do that for His children!!? All we need to do is turn to Him as tell Him.

What's Your Gait?

I heard a story the other day from a friend. His brother had once forgotten his walk for about two weeks. It’s baffling, but looked rather funny to my friend to see his brother walk funny until he re-established his normal gait. As he told me the story I was imagining the double bounce walk Mickey Mouse does. Works well for Mickey but looks completely ridiculous on a human. 

Strange. How does one forget their normal gait? It seems impossible. A quick search on the internet shows it is a common occurrence within the late stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Brain damage can cause the same effect, to forget how to walk. But those have real physical reasons for losing not just normal gait but eventually how to walk altogether, and sometimes suddenly. No my friends brother was not ill but a strong young man at the time. And he did eventually regain his normal gait. 

I joked with my friend that I was smart, I hadn’t lost my walk. 

Today I forced myself to get out the door and go for a walk again. I’ve just started a healthy habit of walking in the morning. See, I could stand to lose a few more than just a few pounds but I also am in need of strengthening my legs. Having injured both my knees a year ago I did a lot of sitting. It is time for a change. Walking still hurts if I’m not careful. Small inclines are worse than flat terrain. I get home 40 minutes later out of breath and feeling like I accomplished something to my benefit. 

Plus, I get to think uninterrupted for those 40 minutes. 

I had been recently asked what my passions were and I had nothing come to mind at all. I could remember old passions that died over time due to lack of money, lack of opportunity, and just plain death of my own desires and hopes because of the stresses of my crisis filled life. It was recommended to me to go for walks to talk with God and re-discover my passions. The idea brought back memories. That was one thing I did love to do back in my home town as a young Christian. I would go for walks along the escarpment listening to the birds, looking at the shapes of leaves, the sunset, and the city below. I loved to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet in the fall and see the raccoons in the trees in spring. That was a quiet time with God. The only quiet time I had alone, and I would just marvel at His creation and how amazing it and He was. 

So, my journey of walking began again.

My vision and understanding of things has deepened over the years. I can now see connections and things God is trying to highlight for me to follow better than I could as a young teenager. Today my walk had me enjoying the sights of the beautiful walking paths but also mulling two seemingly disconnected thoughts. I had been told I’d forgotten how to do things like Jenn would do them and I needed to do them like Jenn would. As I mulled this statement, which I realized was more true than I’d like to admit I also thought of my friends brother forgetting his own walk.

 Forehead slap!

 I had forgotten my own spiritual gait! I had lost it and was trying out a different way of walking that was unnatural to me, but I was trying desperately to make it fit. I was even beginning to get use to the feeling of the new walk, even if it did make me look silly. I knew it made me look silly. I could see it in the eyes of one of my children, and in the face of grace of one of my friends as she just let me. Most didn’t notice my gait had changed. I’m not sure if I was trying to keep it a secret or if I was even that successful at hiding it from anyone else.

I’m the one who has forgotten my gait!

  I am suspecting that my previous spiritual gait heavily relied on a crutch of some kind. Religious parameters that I understood and lived by because I was told it was the right thing to do. I find it easy to live by black and white, right and wrong parameters. It gives structure and security to me. Since losing many of those man made rules of religion I have felt lost. Little is left to lean on. I do feel unsteady, left open and exposed, and unsafe. I have nothing to hide behind, or rely on to guide me. If nothing is wrong, or unlawful but I’ve live most of my life as though they were, where does that leave me except to think that what I lived was a lie. 

Now what?

How do I walk now that the structure I used to hold on to has been removed from me? Of course my gait is going to be off, unsteady, silly looking even! My legs are weak from lack of use for so long. I’m not so sure how to stand on my own two feet, relying on something that is less structured. Part of me wants to find out what I’ve missed for so many years. Who I would have been without the crutch. Another part of me just wants the old parameters back. My gait is liable to be off for a little while longer still as I figure out what’s safe to hold on to and what’s not. What will give me support and what restricts me. What was really me, and what was the crutch I relied on for so long. 

So, what do I do with the God instructions to “do things like Jenn would do them”?

I know I have to relearn my walk, but I’m not convinced it will look exactly the way it did before. I am hopeful that it will eventually be stronger and more powerful than it once was. Just like I’m hoping this physical act of walking regularly will increase my stamina and over all strength. For now, the stride is short and slow. My footsteps are unsure and clumsy. My knees can even give out on me causing some pain. There is an internal struggle to know which path to take, to figure out how best to get where I’m going. I think I need to just focus on the fact that the best sign is that I’m up and off my butt. I’m moving on my own steam and without the old crutch. Forwards or backwards. It’s all movement that will only serve to strengthen some unused muscles.

I will regain a functioning gait.

Twenty-somethings and Hiding

Funny, how life is sometimes. Who enters your life at certain times, for seasons or for longer.

I have been bored these last few weeks. Sitting at home doing the minimal of housework, cooking, mostly driving kids around, watching T.V too, or surfing the net...mostly Facebook really. Just plain bored. I told someone the other day that I have no vision. No future aspirations, no hope for something bigger or better to come my way. That was all stripped away with every hospital visit, doctor appointment, cast, surgery and late bill statement. I have and still do just plod along in day to day stuff because I don't know what else to do. Even my desire and love for crafty things is gone. I haven't scrap-booked in over 5 years. My last painting was done 3 years ago. I don't crochet, because I have enough scarves and that's all I know how to make. I haven't sewn anything productive besides fixing a hole or adding an elastic to something in over a year either. I don't know where my enjoyment in those things went, it's just gone.

Enter the Twenty-somethings into my life.
Recently over the last year or two I have had the enjoyment of a few young women enter my life. They come mostly from different backgrounds, but all have the same hope. Christ, and a better future than the path they were on was previously leading them. For some unknown reason they seem to keep coming back to me. I'm pretty sure I have more "cool" friends now then I ever did in all my years growing up. I'm finding it strange, and fascinating. I'm not much different now from my younger, "ugly duckling", unconfident self. I am often struck with wonder at why these beautiful, popular, and take charge young women willingly choose to spend time with me. Sometimes even often! It's fun though having friends who are 20 years my junior; in an awkward kind of way. It's like I am getting a chance to re-live some years with them I never had when I was their age. But still, down right baffling.

(A switch of gears here, I feel I now need to be much more revealing and am already feeling hesitant. I have only exposed some of this to one person so far, and am embarrassed that I have shared any of my inner self with anyone.)

I am now at a loss for words. I want to be forthcoming. I'm not the type to lie or deceive, but if I can hide I will; from others, but also from myself. I don't like knowing how stupid, immature, and self centred I can be. No one likes to look at them selves in the mirror when they are at their most ugly. Funny how we as humans can think others don't see that part of us. Often times, they do and just don't say anything....and sometimes they do. Just like the other day, when one of those amazing young women told me I have been acting rather childish towards God lately. Ouch!

I'm not mad, or hurt at all. I'm sad that I have been that way. I've been rebellious at heart and actually I still want to be. I want to hide. From myself, from the disappointment I feel towards where I am in life, from who I was before I was fully trampled by circumstances. I want to run from the possibility that this is all my life will amount to; over due bills, a house that we can't upkeep, the string of second hand vehicles that keep breaking down and costing so much money. Lack, lack, lack. I want to hide from my kids when I hear or see something that reminds me of how bad a parent I was when they were younger. I want to hide from friends because I am feeling that I can be too much. Not in a way that my life's circumstances are too much for them to deal with anymore, but from the feeling that I can be too clingy and needy for their attention. I'm working my hardest to not let on that I'm like that too. Or, I could just be over reacting to these new relationships. Friendships, deep ones, are very new to me and figuring out what is right or wrong to do, appropriate or inappropriate to feel in friendships can be confusing to the heart when encountered for the first time. This is stuff that kids learn on playgrounds and schoolyards. Not the stuff that is learned in your early 40's for pete's sake. Yet, here I am. And I want to hide from that fact too. I want to hide from God as well. It's impossible I know. But if I stay just out of reach enough....maybe I'll blend into the woodwork and coast through life without any more trampling or pain.

That's never going to happen. I too deeply want my life to be more than that! More than it has been. I want to matter to others. I want to have a friend who can't live without me, instead of it being me who can't live without them. I want to have adventure, to take risks and win for a change. I want to be able to not look back at some part of my life and not feel regretful or cheated. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that I hear others say they have, where they hear Him and feel Holy Spirit in a tangible way. Where He tells me stuff, good stuff. I want to be on the inside with God, not the outside fringes. It is a constant war internally between wanting to hide, and wanting to be in the center of it all, not left out. I guess when you get down to it I want to be in the least painful place I could be. Neither option is it. Both come with their own set of hurts and painful circumstances. And so, I want to hide from even making that choice.

I re-read a blog posting of a friend, which is really what started me to write tonight. It was an eye opening view. To see the struggle of a promising young women who pulled herself out of some bad life patterns. Comparatively to see her now living such a beautiful life in deep relationship with Christ. It is easy to see from this side of things how all her difficulties and worries, all valid are mere speed bumps or detours on a road to success in everything she does, no matter which path she takes. Our lives were so different, our paths so completely opposite. I wonder how someone who made all the safe choices in life could end up so desperately wishing that she hadn't. So strongly wishing she had taken (or could) a path like this young women had traveled for a time and is now out of. Wishing to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident with her abilities. Motivated to change, to step out and take a risk now, forgetting about the fear of failure and instead grasping the excitement of something new and fun. Instead I want to still hide. Hide from failure, embarrassment, and fear. To hide from the person I want to be, but do not have the courage and confidence to be.

  So really. Why do these twenty-somethings want to hang out with me?!!?

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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