A Glass Box

Good Evening All.
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Tonight feels significantly heavy enough to write, so here I am.
There has been a lot of talk in our community of Hope, Power, new Seasons, Action, and Words. Most of which I have all heard before over the years. Most if not all of it has very little impact on me.
Last Sunday at Cafe we had the amazing privilege of being the first group to screen a new movie short out called "Boxface". It was written and directed by an amazingly talented film maker Joel Thompson, who also happens to be in our community now. I heard the buzz a few days before. I felt the anticipation building Saturday night. This was going to be an amazing morning at Cafe. And it was, but not how I was sort of hoping it would be.
Worship was awesome. Deep songs of true worship, calling out. I
could feel others in the room were full of anticipation and want.

When the movie started everyone was transfixed, transported even, into the story. It was like we became the main character. We felt his fear, his sadness, his confusion. So many emotions all laid out before us, and we felt them all. Joel did such an amazing job at giving understandable substance to intangible complexities of human emotions. It was understandable why Joel received a standing ovation at the end. It was wonderful to see the emotion that was exposed in so many of us watching, as one by one people stood up to speak what touched them most. The biggest issue being that this movie needs to be seen by EVERYONE! Teachers, counsellors, social workers, parents, students, anyone in the health or mental health community. Even those of us who did not say anything still felt what the others said. As Matt said, 'we have just witnessed the beginning of something'. We all knew it, we all felt it.
I was proud of Joel as a volunteer in the film making world here in Fredericton. I was proud of his creative ability and vision. I was and still am proud that I had the opportunity to take part in a small way of getting his film finished and soon out into the public eye. I am proud of him as a human being, to so self-lessly expose himself through this film that others might be helped. This was huge!
Internally, and from a personal perspective I had no great reaction. As I said to a friend, I had no relief or revelation gained from the movie. Secretly I began to wonder if I was just numb in general.
It's been a few days now and that same question has remained with me. Am I just numb? Is the anti-depressant I'm taking causing me to be so perfectly evened out that I'm also not able to grasp the depth of great revelation set before me?!?
We talked tonight about the movie a bit, and about power, and mirrors. Someone mentioned the human tendency to want to hide in a box when faced with an image of something we don't much like, be that in others, or ourselves. It was also suggested that we realize, hiding and not dealing with "our stuff" is also depriving others of seeing and experiencing the process of healing you end up going through once there has been a hurt that causes us to want to hide in the first place. That process of coming through anxiety and depression for Joel has brought out an amazing movie that will touch lives and change them!

All this got me thinking tonight, and realizing. I am hiding in a glass box. Walls still surround me, but I'm not afraid to let others see that I'm not necessarily in the best mood, or best place in my life. Obviously, there's also no way anyone or anything is going to hurt me more. Though the glass is clear from both perspectives, I'm still walled in. And I'm so walled in with a view that even I can't get a handle on what I'm hiding from, or why. I have no words yet to describe any of it. All I know is that a barrier is present.

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
.