Lessons Learned Through the Trenches

God does the most unusual things sometimes!

So, much to my husbands dislike awhile back I had accepted a friend on Facebook from my past. High school in fact. Some guy I went on a date with once.
I must have liked him. I have since found I had put a star beside his picture in my school yearbook. Grade ten.  He says we saw Ghostbusters. I thought he was a different guy with the same first name. When I realized it wasn't I thought he was another guy I knew, also the same first name. I'm so ridiculous! I felt real badly that I didn't remember the date. He had contacted me to actually apologize for dumping me after that first and only date. I forgave him, but what I fool I felt for not remembering him!
I guess that also means I wasn't completely devastated that he dumped me.  I could go on about my unlovely teenage years, and the many heartaches I did suffer....but I'm going to stick to the topic, GOD's amazingly weird sense of humour!

So, apologies given, and forgiveness received. That was that. Or so I thought.

The other night, midnight my time he messages me on Facebook. Want's to ask me a question.  I got nervous. Had a weird thing happen on Facebook less than five years ago....Thankfully his question was not weird. In fact it was ridiculously surprising! He had seen from some of my status updates that I was a christian. So this was his question...
"If you don't mind me asking, do you have any suggestions for someone who has had a falling out with the Big guy?"

Well! Knock me over with a feather! That was definitely a great and unexpected, but lovely question! Unfortunately it was asked at a late hour. So I did respond a bit and he admitted I got his brain churning, but sleep was calling, cuz us 'over 40's' just can't stay up all night like we could when we were young.

My response was basically that even if he felt like he had a falling out with God, God was still right there beside him. God had never gone anywhere, only my friend thought He had. That's common
really in situations where we pull away from God. It makes us feel like God is across a great chasm and it is too difficult to reach Him again. But in reality, though we are blind to the spirit world around us, God never leaves us, nor forsakes us. He is always faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to Him. God makes big promises, and He never breaks them!  

So, since our conversation got cut short due to the late hour I thought I would try to respond a bit more here with what's been on my heart since. My friend and his wife can read this weird little blog I started and see how I have struggled but continue to pursue God anyway. In spite of the anger, disappointment and lack of support I have had and still deal with sometimes.

Things I have learned over the last few years keep me coming back to God, and not giving up. Like, for instance, just because we don't understand the "answer" doesn't mean God broke a promise, or isn't with us. It means we don't see everything from His perspective, like He does. And, just because Gods people don't know how to react, or respond, or even love us the way we need during and after a crisis doesn't mean God is rejecting us. All it means is people don't know how to respond. They are fallible people, just like me. I don't know everything, am not a mind reader, and in some cases have not been taught how to respond to some situations others might be dealing with. This is where I need to grow in grace towards them. I have to choose to not be offended when someone does not respond towards me how I expect them to respond to me. 

Something I have also come to realize. Todays culture and societal norms do not prepare us to walk through tough life issues with others over long periods of time. For instance. The first time my husband had heart surgery he was in hospital for two whole months. When he did finally returned
home, he was weak and under weight, but he was alive! We had three small kids at the time, aged from 5 months to 4.5 years old. The first few weeks of his hospitalization I had casserole dishes and meals piled in the freezer. We had visitors to the hospital and cards too wishing my husband a speedy recovery. Then when he got home no one visited, no one called, and no one brought over prepared meals. But this was the hardest time for me! My mother who looked after the kids during the hospital stay was now gone home so I was left to look after all three kids myself AND after my husband who had very little strength to do much but eat and sit and dress himself. Plus I had the house to keep up, bills to do (with much less income on sick leave), and daily chores like groceries or laundry. At first my hubby could not even watch the kids by himself. I was way more in need of help when he got home just like when he first went in hospital. But I never told anyone that. And no one asked. 

We had been the flavour of the month at church. Then suddenly no one was there to help. But they didn't know I still needed it. Only someone who has endured a long battle emotionally, or physically would understand just how long the battle really is! It's not really over when you put on aires and show up to church with smiles on you're faces. Sometimes that's only the half way marker, or not even that! Sometimes it's just easier to pull away and not say anything.
But God created us to be in community with one another. So when someone doesn't know, we must ask for the help. We must open our mouths and say we are not happy, we are depressed, we are struggling with our faith or we are too tired to fight anymore, or we need help putting food on the table! If we don't then we are not giving others the opportunity of being a blessing to us. Or the blessing of learning how to walk through a difficult time in another persons life. These are character building times, for us but also for the outsiders who don't know any better. 

Yes, this above is giving the benefit of the doubt that people are naturally good at heart and want to help. I have also experienced people literally backing away from me as I tried to answer their question of how I was. Sometimes people feel overwhelmed by their own life troubles and honestly don't want to "deal" with someone else's stuff. That's fair too. I've been there myself. Doesn't make it feel any better when you are in desperate need of support though. 


So that is the time it would be wise to turn to God and bury your head into His chest and let Him
support you. (I'm speaking to myself here...this is good advice!) Tell Him all your fears, and hurts, and needs. Tell Him you are mad, or sad, or broke, or desperate for normal...whatever that is. Tell Him! He is a great big God, He can handle our emotions. He is not afraid of us getting angry, or angry at Him. He is not shaken by our fears, or lack of faith.  When our small children come to us afraid, or heart broken, or mad at us a good parent does not turn them away and say get your act together! No! We turn to our children, gather them up in our arms, maybe rock them a little and whisper things in their ears to calm them, and show them they are loved. How much more will our Father in Heaven do that for His children!!? All we need to do is turn to Him as tell Him.

To the Mother I Once Was

Dear Self

This might seem strange to be receiving a letter from the future you but this is very important. Looking back I wish I had someone to tell me this stuff.  But we moved so much, and my relationships were so shallow back then that I just didn't have anyone to turn to.  I don't even know if I would have listened  to anyone else anyway, but it would have been nice, if someone who knew me enough, and cared enough, to try.

You are not at your best. It's not that you are incapable of  being a good parent, or wife, friend or co-worker. It's just that you are far too stressed out. Being stressed out is not your fault either! Don't start blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. Don't blame anyone else either. Stuff just happens in life. Not everything has an explanation or a reason. But if you listen to me you will be able to walk through the trials you face now and in the near future much better than I did.

Your blame yourself for not being a good mother. You didn't grow up experiencing or watching others raise kids. You were the first in your family to have kids, and all your cousins are either your age or didn't live close enough to see them raised. It's ok. You feel unprepared, and you were. No fault of your own, or anyones. Go with your gut and learn now. It's not too late.

You are very logical, more so than you realize yet. That revelation came to me not long ago. Vulcan like. SO I appeal to your logical side. No one knows better than I just how you feel, and how you blame yourself for not being a good mother. But listen to me. There is a deeper problem here then you realize just now. Part of why you won't even consider what I'm saying is because it goes against so much of what you feel is biblical truth. But I'm here to tell you, it is not at all!

You are depressed. NOT because you don't have enough faith. NOT because you are a bad parent, or incompetant. NOT because you were made defective, or because God has rejected or is ignoring you. You are depressed because of a far simpler reason. And it turns out, a far more common reason. Let me explain...

A few major causes of stress (not limited to this, and not necessarily in this order):
- death or illness in the family (or self)
- moving
- financial issues
- marriage, divorce or giving birth.

And at this point in your life you have experienced five from this list, at least once.

Occurrences of major stress in your life, whether good or bad stress, causes a disruption in the serotonin functioning in the brain. Serotonin is your happy hormone. It is produced in the brain and responsible for making you feel happy. When stress occurs it actually kills off serotonin. It interrupts either the production or the uptake of it. This is all normal. What is not normal is when a person has multiple occurrences of stress, one after the other or prolonged stress without time to get back to normal. This causes a disruption in the uptake of serotonin that can not be overcome on it's own. This is what has happened to you. That's all it is. Just a disruption in serotonin uptake. Not its production. Not your inability to have faith, or just trust God. It's just a cause and effect type thing. You are not crazy. You just need to jumpstart your brains ability to take and hold onto serotonin again.

My advice to you is not to go around telling everyone your troubles. They will just back away and not understand. The unknown frightens them. And don't start vomiting out your hardships to cashiers at grocery stores. Instead, tell your doctor you are sad. Tell them you are angry all the time. Tell them you can't make yourself happy anymore. Tell them you don't feel like your normal self. Do whatever it takes to get the medical help you need.

I know you also have health benefits from hubby's work. Use it! Get Counselling! Talk to someone who can give you help dealing with the stress in your life. Someone who can give you ideas on how to better manage stress. Someone who will not see you as a lack of faith Christian, but as an overwhelmed mom and wife. There is nothing to be ashamed of in that place. Nothing to be scared of so stop trying to be strong and allow yourself to get help.

Only good can come from pursuing the help you need. You can be a better, more calm mother. You will be a more patient and loving person. I just wish it comes sooner for you than it did for me. The biggest regret I have now is that I listened to the lies of the unknowledgeable. The lies that told me I did not have enough faith, or just wasn't thankful enough. Because I listened to those lies I stayed in a place of fear, hurt and anger for a much longer time then I had too. I missed good years with my older kids because I was too busy being angry at them, fearful for them. I missed enjoying life with them. I missed being excited and surprised at their little accomplishments, and their funny antics. I missed enjoying the easy times. The family outings to the park, the zoo, the back yard. Instead I was always waiting for that next ball to drop, and the slightest thing would set me off.

 I didn't realize I was like that. I didn't realize I was an angry mother. I didn't know I could possibly hurt my children emotionally. I didn't know I would have things I did that I could not bring myself to bring up to ask for forgiveness of them later on. But I do. Such shameful behaviour.

But you can change all that!!! YOU have the ability to avoid all that by getting help now! Talk to
someone else who knows. And if you can't find anyone you think is trustworthy, I know that's an issue,  then find a counsellor. Tell someone. That's it. Simple. And not scary. Not complicated. It's easy to hide from people who don't understand, but you will come to understand. And you will be so much better for it.
So will your family.

Signed; your older self.

An Outer Perspective Brings Inner Seeing.

Ya know how you see yourself differently then others see you?

  Well, I have recently taken a bit of a look at myself from a perspective outside myself.  I think it's a healthy thing to do, noticing how people see you. Not your inner intentions but your outward actions and reactions.

  Cuz let's face it, we look great to ourselves when we judge our motives and dismiss our actions, the inflection in our voices, our body language, facial expression and other outward expressions others see.

  Of course, even this statement is biased. Everyone is self-centred to some degree or other. Most of our truest motives are for our own benefit and not someone else's. Part of that is just self preservation. Instinctual. But a large part of it, if we are truly honest with ourselves, is just pleasure based. Even helping others can be self motived. How does it make YOU feel, or how does it make YOU look to others? Will helping others EARN you brownie points with God…etc. 

K, established…..So my perspective is what I'm really wanting to flesh out here. 

  I'm not sure I set out to look at myself from someone else's perspective on purpose. It was a series of little things that brought it to my attention and has it rolling around in my head now and then.

  The first I think, has taken a while to filter in. At my mothers Celebration of Life three years ago. For the first time in my life, I was given a glimpse at how others saw my Mom. I was usually frustrated with her growing up, and after I moved out and married. But Mom, it turned out was a very fun loving, well loved and generous person! She volunteered over 30 years to Girl Guides, worked in nursing probably as long. Changed careers when I was in my teens and worked with kids in the public school district and later volunteered for the Daffodil campaign for the Canadian Cancer Society. She had good friends for many years who played cards every month for over 20 years. Her friends thought the world of her. I had a completely different perspective growing up. Which is too bad really. I missed out on a wonderful person apparently! 

So that experience has been rolling around in my head and heart for three years now.

  A nudge towards this idea has been building because of work. As an employee at a coffee shop where I get to don a brown uniform day in and day out, who I am is toned way down in order to represent the coffee chain. I am a coffee automaton. Most days I hate it. But it has given me food for thought too. Since I can not express myself in outward appearence my fellow workers and regular customers get to see me in my actions, attitude, and facial expressions. At work I'm pleasant. I could count on one hand the number of times I have been very upset, angry or frustrated in the year I've worked there. From what I can tell, most of the employees actually like me, but few if any have pursued any kind of deeper friendship with me, and my attempts to do so with some of them are weak I must admit. 

  My second big push to look at myself from the outside came at a coffee date with a friend.

She was describing a long time friend of hers to me this last time. I can't even remember the exact term she used, but I do remember one was "she is a bit like a sailor on shore leave", meaning she is full of life and goes after living life to its fullest. I laughed at such a funny and unusual description. Then I realized what a compliment it was. What a great compliment! If only I was that kind of person! If only I could be described that way! But I know I'm not.

So how would someone describe me?! Not like that! I can not kid myself about that. 

  There are definitely different layers of me that could be described. Some know me causally, some think they know me, only a few know me well at all. Then there are the different areas of me that don't get brought out often, but a few only see that part of me. This is the part of me I'm most worried about right now.

Am I an angry Christian, an angry person?

  If you bring up issues of health care I can get rather upset. I have strong feelings about doctors, their god-like status in our culture, their lack of compassion, and specifically some of the doctors I have dealt with regarding my kids or husbands  health. The thought of them just makes me angry. The idea that Canadian health care seems stuck and incapable of evolving or improving due to lack of funds angers me like nothing else. Unfortunately I'm also in no position to do anything about it. I'm not even educated enough to know who to talk too, or how my experience could be a benefit. I also don't think so highly of myself that I assume what I have to say is even important enough to tell someone who could do something.

  Then if you bring up anything about church, or even God it doesn't give me good feelings any more. Instead I feel angry. I know I'm ruined for attending any kind of box church again. I don't think I'd be able to sit in a pew and listen to someone else's idea of what we should think about God, or how we should walk out, or work out our faith walk. Do this, don't do that….God helps those who help themselves yadda, yadda, yadda! If you bring up issues about Gods goodness, or prayer working, or anything at all, I've got an negative response now. I didn't use to! But then again I use to sit and hang on every word some pastor would say in his/her sermon. 

  I'm now thinking this issue of being an angry christian is way too deeply rooted in some wrong belief for me to delve into it here. I could be feeling this way because I really feel betrayed somehow. Maybe it's because I have stopped attending any kind of "service" where there is teaching, now that I have been working every weekend for the last year. Maybe I feel this way because I'm still depressed. I did stop taking anti-depressants back a year ago. Maybe I shouldn't have! 

Ha! But I don't have a doctor to talk to about this issue cuz I fired her ass back three years ago because she was almost worse then having none! 

  And the cycle continues. I mostly avoid these topics unless it gets brought up by others. If I dwelled on them all the time I really would be an angry person all the time. Thankfully I can turn those parts off during most of my dealings in a common week and live fairly happily. 

  Small mercies, very few people actually have access to even attempt to dive that deep with me. So it's easy to ignore these issues. Unfortunately, that also means when I need to do some digging to clear out the clumps they aren't around to help.

Maybe there is a deeper reason to why I hate gardening! But that is a different blog topic.

The Double Edge Sword of Healing

Last night was awkward. Last night was condemning. Last night shouldn’t have happened. What happened made me begin to doubt my faith in God. It set a whole chain of thoughts and emotions into effect that I should not have allowed. It made me feel less than loved, and even disappointed in God.

I had someone point me out and say God wanted my children’s backs healed of Scoliosis. This is how I processed the whole thing.

I ignored what he said. 

I think he noticed, cuz he came at me again a bit later with, ‘God really means it, He wants to heal the children, but somethings blocking it.....’

I responded with a bit of an attitude. ‘I’m not opposed to God healing my kids but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m still waiting.’ That was the end of that.

SO! in essence, what he just said,  and what I just heard, like nearly every other “well meaning” christian out there who has done the same thing to me over the years was that I was blocking the healing process. As Mom, I was not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. Somehow all the right responses were void in me, and THAT’S why my kids have not been healed from the bone disorder, or the symptoms of the bone disorder, like scoliosis.  It was MY fault!

Oh wait! It could also be because I have ties to the Masons! Right! that could be it!!! Because the kids use the Shriners Hospital for Sick Children in Montreal, and the Shriners are first Masons. Therefore that’s preventing God from healing my kids. It’s the unholy tie.

Well I say BULLSHIT to all that!

If God could create everything out of nothing, it was HIS faith that created. If His plans and purposes were to have my children healed years ago then no amount of disbelief from me could stop Him. I’ve seen and heard of hundreds of people healed who did not believe. And only some of them believed after they were healed. Not all. Some of them even “lost” their healing eventually. Does that mean God made a mistake  in healing them?! Not in the least! That person is and always will be Gods child and God chose to lavish a gift on them. Not a waste at all!

Does singling me and my kids out for healing after years of not seeing healing do any good? Does it move any of us to faith? 

Not in the least!

In fact it moves me now to distrust the person who says anything like that! The internal result for me was to be reminded of how “the church” see me and my family. Damaged goods. Unable, or unwilling to be fixed.

It is not loving at all to point out someone and insinuate that I am the reason that God has not healed my kids. It is not loving to remind me that in nearly 20 years not one of my four children has been healed of this genetic disorder. Because that is exactly what just happened last night. 

If you were truly listening to Gods heart perhaps He was telling you to quietly pray about my children in your secret place. Maybe you should be praying that Gods love would be shed abroad in their hearts. That they would fall in love with Jesus and choose a life of love in everything they do, and serve others in love. Because regardless of what they look like, how they move, or how often they receive treatments, above ALL the physical stuff they are valued by GOD for exactly who they are, the way they are. And I will not have my children mad or disappointed in a god who “refused” to heal them because their mom wasn’t a good enough christian!

Maybe it is time “the church” does the same thing. Maybe it’s time we stop looking at the obvious and start asking God to heal the brokenness within our hearts. Stop pointing out the imperfections in each others short-term temporary housing situation (our bodies) and start focusing on the eternal love that can be experienced, and shared.

That does not mean I do not believe God can or will heal! I am not against the teaching or praying for healing. My husband is still alive today because God brought him THROUGH health issues many times. I still believe God could heal my kids, and that God can and will move through our prayers for others healing. But I caution you to be wise.

 Perhaps if you are feeling the general compassion for the other person you should be asking what they want prayer for instead of assuming it’s healing of a long time issue. Be quick with your love but not with your tongue. Ask for Gods will in their life, don’t ascribe your own sense of justice to the other persons situation and assume that healing of a physical issue is the only possible outcome needed. Gods ways are NOT yours. You are the one who still sees as through a glass dimly. 

If you think you have all the answers, you are in for a surprise.

(I speak from experience in that. I know less now then I did 25 years ago when I first chose to follow Christ. Now I desire to only know His love, it is the only thing worth really knowing.)

The Lunch Date

I had the privilege of having lunch with a dear friend today. One who pursued me after a long absence. Daily life just got in the way I guess, for both of us. It seems to get in the way of a lot actually.

My friend is just a two years older than my father,  though I look to her as a grandmother figure in my life. The spiritual grandmother I never had. (for those who do not know me, I was saved at 17, but none of my family was or is following Jesus). I had no christian women in all my years of walking The Way to mentor me. None that is until I move to where I am now just six years ago. It is here that women, two specifically, mentored me. One my age, who is more like a spiritual mother, and the second who is like a spiritual grandmother. Both loved me out of my shell. Speaking life into me. Encouraging me to pursue what God placed in me. They taught me I can be imperfect and still be loved by God. They encouraged me in my parenting, in my marriage, and in my other relationships. Melting my walls and coaxing me to be who God created me to be, instead of being ashamed of who I was. I still have a ways to go of course. Don't we all!

But then just as suddenly, they are now mostly out of my life. I have missed them, and also who they were in my life.

So lunch with my friend. It brought back memories of what things used to be like. The things I miss most. Things like openly speaking of Gods giftings in the other person. Questions like, what had I been hearing from God lately? The encouraging words from someone who really knows me, whom I was safe with. And truthfully, I have not been in that kind of company in so long that I was unable to function in the same way back to her, though I wished deep in my heart that I could have at that moment. I just felt so empty.
As we parted we made plans to see each other once a month. It was good to re-connect. I am glad to know I am not fully abandoned.

What's in the Purge?

Today, I have the day off.
I typically go out on my days off or I end up sitting in my Pj's most of the day catching up on my shows that aired on the weekend. Sometimes I don't.

Today is one of those days. Today I thought I would clean my daughters bedroom. It's 12:30 pm here and I have yet to step foot in her room. I got distracted by the bathroom. I started to clean it first. I have yet to wash or wipe down anything in there yet too. I got distracted again. By all the jewelry making a mess on my counter. 
As neat as I have tried to be and as organized as I can be by having hooks on the wall for necklaces and a three tiered jewelry stand it all got crowded and....umm, dusty. Midway through cleaning I decided to purge my unused and unwanted jewelry. Why return to the same place that which I will not ever wear? In fact I was just speaking to a friend last night about the general rule for cleaning out closets and drawers. Anything not worn in the last six months, or the entire last season it was good for, pitch it! I've not really had to live by THAT particular rule much since we tended to move every three or less years over the course of our 22 year marriage that I had many opportunities to purge with each move. Weight eventually played a role in the purge of clothing sessions I had sometime around 10 years ago. 

Interestingly, I have never really purged my jewelry in all that time. Mind you I've not really been a big fanatic about jewelry. I'm very much a practical person when it comes to spending money or purchasing and asking for gifts. We've never had a lot of money for my husband to buy me expensive babbles. I like things, like sapphires and diamonds, and silver, but practicality doesn't give me much opportunity to wear such things. I've been a stay at home Mom for most of our married years and only recently have been working full time....at a job that I can't wear any jewelry at, except stud earrings. Which I of course had almost none of so I had to increase my daily options by picking out some cute ones at Claire's.

Now let me get down to the nitty gritty of this purge though! Cuz, if you have ever done a good purge of stuff you know how therapeutic it can be, but also how revealing! The benefit that can come out of a good clean up can be as simple as just feeling lighter and less cluttered. Though if you are even a slight bit like me you will tend to "see" a little deeper into yourself through the process. I am very thankful that the one thing I did not see about me is that I am NOT a hoarder. 
Much of what I have (or did have) can be classed into a few categories. Used regularly, For special occasions, Inherited, and Never used. There are sub-categories, like the wonky bracelets, or too small necklaces my kids made me over the years, or the favourite earring that I lost one of and somehow expect to find the missing one. Most of the subcategories I actually pitched today. Loose beads rolling around in the bottom of a jewelry box I have hidden in my closet. String with little more than three beads and a plastic charm or empty wire, hooks and half a clasp all found in the old candy jar from Nana that became a catch-all. All gone. Mind you the jar still has stuff I just can't be bugged running around the house to return to their places yet....one day I'll get to that too.

The interesting stuff was not the old gifts from chubby hands so long ago. Now the stuff that was revealing was the actual jewelry I have kept but don't wear. I have gold (or gold coloured) necklaces that I have not worn in 20 years and probably will not wear again, but I keep them because they were given to me and hold sentimental value. Old crosses, empty chains, a blue stone heart with no chain, a tarnished "silver" bracelet given to me by my husband and my first two kids. How do you throw those things out?

 Most of these I have kept.
Including the most telling piece of all!
 A necklace from Avon. I can remember wearing it at the age of eight maybe. My Mother had given it to me, maybe for my birthday one year. I don't remember. It is gold with an oval charm, engraved with a saying, "Thursdays child has far to go". I was born on a Thursday. There is a poem that speaks to each day of the week a child was born. It was cute back then when I was innocent. Before I knew the power of words spoken over people. (Poor Wednesday's Child! Worse off then Thursdays)

I returned the necklace to it's hiding place and was about to actually clean the bathroom now that the mess was dealt with when it slowly dawned on me. I have been living under that prophesy from that necklace most of my life! That cute kids poem is saying that Thursday children don't measure up to the standard! We have a long way to go to get there. Lots of work to do to "make it", to achieve life's goals. In fact that one little statement is left open ended....who says Thursdays child actually gets to where they are trying to go?  
I know in my knower that I just found a root in why I felt like I never measured up all my life. I have  lived always feeling like my parents liked my sister better. That she was smarter, prettier, and more talented then I. I was never told those things by my parents, or my sister for that matter. It's just what I always felt. I can't remember not thinking that way as I grew up. In my own comparisons to my peers at school or at dance I felt less then all of them. That feeling of not measuring up followed me into my marriage, into parenting and into my walk with God. No wonder I felt like I just couldn't be loved by God! Right from the get go I thought I didn't measure up to His standard, because I had far to go. I was starting at a disadvantage. How could I ever expect to measure up?!!

Well bless my socks I am now free! That necklace is now in the garbage. Never again will I hang that around my neck (metaphorically too) and feel inferior. I refuse to keep it and pass it on to one of my children. I also could not in good conscience allow someone else to put that mentality onto another child by selling or giving away that necklace. 

No. It is where it belongs, along with the false belief that I have far to go. No, I am now free of that. I, just like you, am exactly enough, not too much, and not starting off behind the eight ball. 
I DO measure up and I do bring great things to the table! 
Praise God...

Warning: Instability Possible

I have decided to stop taking my anti-depressant medication. Partly by choice, partly because I can't seem to get in to see a doctor to renew my prescription, and partly due to lack of money to buy it.

I'm happy I will no longer be taking a medication that makes me sleepy. I am nervous that this transition will be hard.

I fired our family doctor about a year ago. Not a big deal for people living State side, but it's a big deal in Canada. Fire your doctor and there isn't another one around the corner who will take you on. Here we have waiting lists for family docs. Not to mention, we are now branded as non-compliant, and trouble makers because we up and fired her. Doctors are the ones here who have the power, not the patients. But that is another story. Suffice to say it is now not easy getting prescriptions refilled without a family doctor. Clinics here are far and few between, with short or infrequent hours.
We have also not had medical insurance for many months now. In fact after six months of working my insurance has only just kicked in. But we still need money to purchase meds. Insurance doesn't pay 100% after all and we are now at a stage that society would call "the working poor"(which is a hair better than where we were which was on Employment Insurance, then on nothing at all when that ended). 

All this ties in to why I am getting off the anti-depressants. A prescription ended, no doctor to re-write it and no money to buy it anyway. So four weeks ago I started to wean myself off.
With only about 20 pills left I made the choice of reducing my dosage to every other night. A couple times I waited two nights before taking the next dose. Then with two pills left I cut them in half and took them every other night.


Last night was the last one.


I have noticed a few changes so far. I'm less apathetic towards my homes state of cleanliness. I'm a bit more crabby towards my husband in general. I dream more too. Wild dreams. Not God dreams so much as just intense. I find I want out of them because they make me feel trapped. These dreams actually wake me up, though not because they are bad dreams.
I assume all this is due to the change in brain chemistry, in spite of my attempt to wean off slowly. I am sure there will be more changes, but to what depth I am not sure. I want to keep the cool, calm and collected me that I have been the last two years on my medication. I want to lose the apathy though. I do not want to regain the stressed out, angry person I once was, indifferent for other reasons. But to regain my drive would be nice. It is still in here, just less intense than before. But even that was there for other reasons. Reasons that may not be a part of me any longer.
I have learned much during these last two years. My perspective on life, on love, on grace have all grown and strengthened. But did the medication adjust my brain so that I had time and internal peace so that I was able to gain those or did it just mask who I was long enough, only to be bidding time until the old me could return?
This is a wait and see kind of thing I guess. I am going to have to rely on my friends to help me. Feel free to warn me if I seem overly stressed, I pull away, seem angry more often than not or react with less grace than I have been recently. It might take me a bit to balance out. To fit back into my skin, the old with the new as apposed to the old instead of the new. 
One thing I am really looking forward to re-gaining is peace and quiet! Once I started my meds I could constantly hear a buzzing in my head. I am looking forward to that being gone! Here's hoping!!