A Glass Box

Good Evening All.
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Tonight feels significantly heavy enough to write, so here I am.
There has been a lot of talk in our community of Hope, Power, new Seasons, Action, and Words. Most of which I have all heard before over the years. Most if not all of it has very little impact on me.
Last Sunday at Cafe we had the amazing privilege of being the first group to screen a new movie short out called "Boxface". It was written and directed by an amazingly talented film maker Joel Thompson, who also happens to be in our community now. I heard the buzz a few days before. I felt the anticipation building Saturday night. This was going to be an amazing morning at Cafe. And it was, but not how I was sort of hoping it would be.
Worship was awesome. Deep songs of true worship, calling out. I
could feel others in the room were full of anticipation and want.

When the movie started everyone was transfixed, transported even, into the story. It was like we became the main character. We felt his fear, his sadness, his confusion. So many emotions all laid out before us, and we felt them all. Joel did such an amazing job at giving understandable substance to intangible complexities of human emotions. It was understandable why Joel received a standing ovation at the end. It was wonderful to see the emotion that was exposed in so many of us watching, as one by one people stood up to speak what touched them most. The biggest issue being that this movie needs to be seen by EVERYONE! Teachers, counsellors, social workers, parents, students, anyone in the health or mental health community. Even those of us who did not say anything still felt what the others said. As Matt said, 'we have just witnessed the beginning of something'. We all knew it, we all felt it.
I was proud of Joel as a volunteer in the film making world here in Fredericton. I was proud of his creative ability and vision. I was and still am proud that I had the opportunity to take part in a small way of getting his film finished and soon out into the public eye. I am proud of him as a human being, to so self-lessly expose himself through this film that others might be helped. This was huge!
Internally, and from a personal perspective I had no great reaction. As I said to a friend, I had no relief or revelation gained from the movie. Secretly I began to wonder if I was just numb in general.
It's been a few days now and that same question has remained with me. Am I just numb? Is the anti-depressant I'm taking causing me to be so perfectly evened out that I'm also not able to grasp the depth of great revelation set before me?!?
We talked tonight about the movie a bit, and about power, and mirrors. Someone mentioned the human tendency to want to hide in a box when faced with an image of something we don't much like, be that in others, or ourselves. It was also suggested that we realize, hiding and not dealing with "our stuff" is also depriving others of seeing and experiencing the process of healing you end up going through once there has been a hurt that causes us to want to hide in the first place. That process of coming through anxiety and depression for Joel has brought out an amazing movie that will touch lives and change them!

All this got me thinking tonight, and realizing. I am hiding in a glass box. Walls still surround me, but I'm not afraid to let others see that I'm not necessarily in the best mood, or best place in my life. Obviously, there's also no way anyone or anything is going to hurt me more. Though the glass is clear from both perspectives, I'm still walled in. And I'm so walled in with a view that even I can't get a handle on what I'm hiding from, or why. I have no words yet to describe any of it. All I know is that a barrier is present.

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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Thank Yous

Thanks to you, this has been a day of smiles for me. The first in a long two weeks of feeling hopeless. This has been a good day. I am amazed at how a great meal with protein and good quality food in my fridge and cupboards has made me feel so very rich! Knowing that we will eat well for a good few weeks and that my kids will be taking enough food to school for lunches has so lifted my mood, lifted a chunk of the burden I felt off, and given me some much needed peace.
We have been blessed in abundance. Today we received a couple bags of groceries from a friend that contained kid lunch foods and snacks among other things. Hurray! And a Dairy Milk bar....oh, you know me SO well! That was this morning. This afternoon we received the pre-made meals that someone had purchased for us last week through DinnerEase. It takes a few days for DinnerEase to put them together and deliver them. All I can say about these meals is WOW! First they are easy to put together. Second they are big portions. Third, they are Tasty! At least the one we had tonight was, Chipotle Mango Rubbed Salmon. Yum!  
To complete the day and make it even better, I was able to help someone else out with food. She's a just graduated student in the process of finding a job. She only had rice and oatmeal at home. That was pretty much it. After receiving so much today I just had to help her out. Since she just needed food for herself it was not a huge purchase. Eggs, chicken, fish, broccoli and bananas. It wasn't a lot, but it's all she wanted. She was pretty stunned to receive the food. It feels so good to receive. It feels even better to give and see the relief come into someones face that they can now eat well.
So thank you everyone. Not just for your help and all the wonderful food, but also for allowing me to help someone else who was in just as much need as we were. I have been blessed doubly so because of your generosity and love.

Thank you, thank you, thank yous (as they say in these Atlantic Provinces).
For those of you elsewhere, please remember to donate good quality food to your local food bank, or other local charity that helps feed people in need. 
Jennifer.

Helping Others

This is a quick follow up to last weeks blog. With no money in the banks, and no money coming for over a week (from last Thursday) things were and still are desperate. I really have no idea how people with very little income or who are on social assistance do this every day, month after month and year after year.  I have had the huge but guilty blessing of having two of our children working. It's the teens in the house who are the "bread winners" at the moment. Not that their part time pay cheques go far in the sight of our dismal situation, but they have been big helps.
Last weekend our oldest daughter filled the gas tank. That was huge for us. With kids to take to or pick up from work at odd hours it's been a benefit to them. But to be able to interview for a job or get to the normal things like a doctors appointment or church it has helped keep moral up to not be stranded. This weekend it was our second child, my 16 year old son who bought gas. He also bought a big apple pie from Costco to take to a pot luck on sunday. That way we didn't feel guilty about going without food in hand to contribute. That would just not be comfortable at all, six of us showing up without food expecting everyone else to feed us. I'd not go rather than do that. BUT, my favourite 22 year old was getting baptized yesterday and I just had to be there to participate. Our youngest daughter ended up getting baptized too. What a great day it was indeed! Thanks in part to my sons generosity in purchasing a huge pie.
Another huge blessing came from one of my readers. I was more than surprised to get a phone call telling us that an anonymous donor had come forward and purchased for us six days worth of dinners from a new local business in town. Not a wealthy person, but a regular person who just felt the need to be a blessing and help where he/she saw a need. That is exactly what Christ called us to do, love one another. Love is way more than the touchy feely hugs you get from friends or family. No, love is way more tangible then that. It's stepping up to the plate and doing something, being physically there, crying when another cries, rejoicing when there is something to rejoice over, and pitching in when it's needed too.
I did not write last weeks blog in hopes of manipulating anyone to give us money or buy us stuff. I could never do that with a clear conscience. I often hide things so that I don't look needy (note the above story of the pie). I did write and I will continue to write because I know I am a voice that needs to be heard. To stir people up to think of others, think of the situations behind the smiling faces you meet everyday. There is a hurting world right in front of our eyes. It doesn't take much for any one to end up where we currently are. We just happened to have experienced it more frequently then most due to major illnesses causing job loss, income loss, or financial strain in some way, including but not limited to the need to move a thousand miles again. This is not something we are willing to do again by the way. We have all had it with moving.
No, I write partly to help me process my thoughts. Keep things clear and navigate through them less blindly. I also write to seek answers. There are lots of people, Christ-followers, who have encountered difficult times. Some of them need to know that difficult times happen to all of us. Some need to know that those difficult times do give rise to questions, including questions about our beliefs. God's not going to strike you dead if you feel yourself less faithful, or questioning your belief in a good God. I've been questioning His love for me and His goodness to me now for nearly a year. I know I'm not perfect, but maybe some of the ideas I've held onto about God are incorrect in the first place. If I don't question them, test them, then how will I ever find out, or change them if they are wrong?
That is why I write. Not to complain about my situation, though it might come across that way to the casual reader. Of course my current situation is what is squeezing me. And ya know what they say, You can only tell what's on the inside when you squeeze it and the inside comes out. The repeated squeezing has finally broken my outer casing and what is really on the inside of me is coming out. I am questioning weather what's inside is strong enough, and true enough to keep me stable and hold me up. Is it a true foundation that can support the structure God needs me to be?
My guess is NO, it's not. Which means I've got some changing of mind sets and tearing down of lies to do. Not an easy task, and not something someone can do for you. No three point sermon will ever help me do that. This is a solitary journey that I must make alone. It just so happens I'm inviting you along for the ride.

Thank you to the donator of food! And to Dinner Ease of Fredericton, Nb. This gift you both have so selflessly given has been a bright spot in a dreary week where nothing else good happened.
If any of you living here in Fredericton know of the needs of someone else consider DinnerEase and purchase them a pre-prepared meal that can be delivered. Gift baskets are even available.  Visit their web site at http://dinnerease.ca/welcome.html for a look at what they offer.

Also, please consider contributing to your local food bank where ever you live. Having just visited there last Tuesday has opened my eyes to the lack of food and the poor quality of food often donated. Mushrooms that I would have thrown out because they were too old, and one box of cereal for a family of 4 school aged kids, and a once a month limit on food hampers because they are so low in donations. I was appalled! Once we have an income again we will definitely be purchasing an extra item or two of good quality food to donate to the food bank. Being poor should not mean also being unhealthy because of a lack of good food options. We live in a country and an economy that has excess of everything, and an abundance of good healthy food choices. I want others to benefit from what's around them. The poor of Canada should not have to eat like they live in the third world when we as average citizens with meagre incomes can do something about it. It's together that we can make a big difference.

Blessed? Cursed? Or ignored?

What is blessing?     What is God’s goodness?

Is it only the physical manifestation of natural and emotional pleasures? 

To be well feed?

To be well housed?

To be well clothed?

To be well in body and mind?

To be surrounded by people who love you?

To be abounding in finances?

To have every earthly thing you could need or want?

Maybe it’s receiving answers to the needs as they come up?

To be healed when illness comes, to prosper when lack comes, to be comforted when difficulties come.

So, what is it when it seems like some or even many of these things are not present, or never come? Is that a lack of God’s goodness and blessing? Is it really just a lack of faith? Is it punishment? Or worse, is it a sign of His lack of attention?

We christians seem to have all the answers when we are not enduring a season of lack that touches more than one area of our lives. I was the same. I was taught, and learned well that what God has done for one He will do for another, because He is no respecter of persons. So, just because the man in the pew ahead of me at church has been healed from poor vision does that mean I will be? I thought so at one time. Would write out petitions to God (grocery lists really) of my needs. Notice the word “MY”. Though they were needs. I was never so assumptive to write frivolous things like a manicure or a BMW. Maybe that verse is more broad. More about God’s saving grace rather than physical comforts. My sins are no worse than another’s because all sin is abominable in the sight of God. It is only us humans who categorize them from bad to worse.

But the answers don’t stop there. I’ve heard them all. I’ve probably said them all. Hopefully not as harshly, or judgmentally as I have felt some of them said to me in the past. Like, for instance, if I don’t have what I need then I must not be walking in faith. 

Oh, I can tell you I know the intentions of my heart. Mostly I just wanted to fit in with everyone else, so I only wanted what they seemed to have; healthy families, full time jobs that were stable and long term, a nice home with matching furniture. To be able to go on a family vacation because we had paid holidays and money to spend on the trip. 

We didn’t have any of that, still don’t. But Oh, how I believed! Others had it, lots of them. All christian, all attending the same church, all loved God and worshipped loud, and read their bibles along with the preaching, and took notes. Even the few non-church people I knew had these things, and God knows how to give good gifts to his children, so why shouldn’t I have all that as well???  

I’m still asking this same question. Why can’t I, we have the same sort of stability? When will we get a break? Will we ever do better then just barely getting by?  

Some would look at our lives and assume we have never put seed into good soil all these years. That we have only ever eaten all our seed, or held it back only to rot in our hands. They would be wrong, these ones who live by and only talk about Godly finances. “Plant your seed, water your seed, speak over your seed. Give and it shall be given back to you, pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER, it shall be given to you.” To that I say HA! You judge based on an obvious lack of fruit, but you didn’t see all the things we did in secret because we love our God, we know it’s right to do, and because we just plain love to give. And oh, how much more I wish I could give!!!Tithes and offerings and even alms. We have checked out the soil we plant in, we have seen the seed bless and prosper others. We have given our money, things, time and of ourselves. Yet today I sit with debt in two bank accounts, nothing left available on our credit card, no cash in hand, bills piling up, school fees to pay, no house or car insurance, nearly no gas left in the tank and no money to buy our medications, or more food. The next E.I. payment comes in a week from now, and that will only cover mortgage, a tank of gas and some food. No bills, on school fees, no medicine, no insurance. and still no job prospects yet. 

Still there is this thing that sits and gnaws at the back of my mind, because I was taught it. If God is good all the time, then there must be something I, we have not done...as if anything I could do could loosen or tighten the hand of God towards me. How prideful a religious teaching is that!?!! Yet so many christians will tell another that if the fruit isn’t there, they must be not doing something right, or at all. One minute we will spout off how good God is, that He is no respecter of persons, that He is a God of mercy but confronted with difficult circumstances in our lives we start blaming ourselves for missing some part of the puzzle. I was taught to do all I know and then, having done all to stand. Stand my ground. Stand firm and unwavering. Stand against the storm.

But sometimes, the storm can be just too big, the waves just too high. Nothing stands in the face of a tsunami. We all witnessed that just this year in Japan. The aftermath of such a storm, which has claimed lives, taken out entire cities, decimated farms, homes, transportation, and livestock, can be so hard on a people that those of us watching from afar on television just can not comprehend the pain, torment and fear a disaster like it has engulfed the people in. We can not comprehend what we have not experienced. It is too great a tragedy to wrap our selfish little brains around. It’s too easy to turn the channel, or the page, or click the mouse. Unless you live it.

I recall wanting to, and as a sign physically standing in the flood waters of the last Fredericton flood three years back. I felt tired of missing out on the good stuff. I wanted Gods goodness to overflow in my life too. Perhaps I forgot to first look at all the destruction a flood can cause. All the lack, the mess, and the upheaval it brings with it first. In fact, I never even thought of it before now. 


Sometimes, after all you have done and all the standing you have done, just sometimes there is nothing left to do but sit and cry. It is o.k. to cry. So next time you find someone in distress, don’t judge. Don’t be like Job’s friends who sat with him but proceeded to tell him everything that he must have done wrong. Instead, sit and cry with them. That will be more help then any words of supposed wisdom that you can come up with.

Got Passion Fruit?

It's been a week since I last posted. Feels like forever. What have I been doing that prevented me from writing? Sleeping, mostly. Pathetic, entirely.

This is not how I used to be. I didn't use to hide, or disappear from life and it's difficulties. I used to be the one who stood tall, moved forward with purpose and a plan or at the very least stood leaning into the storms of life that came. But not now. I don't have the strength anymore.
I'm not sure if the reason I don't have the strength is because I lost my purpose or just realized I never had one but was too busy to look for it in the first place.
You'd have to know my life history to understand. I will take the time to write it all out here eventually. It's pretty long. So for space and topics sake, suffice to say life has been difficult since I've been married. Nothing wrong with the marriage, just the continual struggles in finances and health, which affects everything in life. And I was the only healthy one available to manage it all consistently. Oh, there have been good times too. Lots of times when blessings came from known sources, peace was present, or I felt strong enough to handle the crisis at the time knowing there was a lesson to learn and I was intent on learning it well. But one can become overwhelmed by the waves even if they can swim if they come to fast, or too hard, or too big (or all of the above).

This is just the lead up. I had to provide a backdrop to the current query I find bouncing around in my head. The topic has been recurring around me for over a week. It's time to address it, find out what to do about it; if there is anything I can in fact do about Passion and my lack of it.
I know to be true that  strength comes from passion. Purpose is what feeds passion. As a little video I saw called TRADER says, passion makes your heart beat faster or your fists clench. I had to ask myself the hard question, 'what does that for me'? My answer at first was absolutely nothing, now. My desire and passion to go back to India has fully slipped away. I have had no long term plans, goals, or desires for such a long time. Everything I did have vanished little by little with each roll of the wave over my head. There's been a lot.

I feel no great surge of energy or excitement towards anything good. I do still have fist clenching moments. They could be turned to good if I knew I could have an effect. If I thought that my concerns or ideas would be considered, let alone listened to!  That fist clenching comes from many years of dealing with the health care system, in two countries; two States and three Provinces. Maybe one day I'll delve into that topic, but it just makes me angry so I should not knowingly get into it if I have planned appointments with doctors forthcoming.
The lack of passion is probably partly why all I want to do is sleep. Nothing to grasp onto to keep me motivated. Nothing to wake up for, but more disappointment.

This is sounding completely depressing! I certainly didn't expect it too, or want it too. My purpose was to attack the idea of passion and my lack of it. But maybe I am this way because all that I wrote above is true.
In stead of feeling like I'm just making excuses for not feeling "up to" things, perhaps I really do have a valid reason! Maybe I'm not "wrong" in feeling this way. It's not that I'm just completely lacking in faith, which I have been accused of as well as self accused. Perhaps, I really have been pulled down by the undertow and haven't found my way up yet.
That stupid statement, 'God only gives you what you can handle', I have come to hate (there's a fist clench). People have said that to me I'm sure with the intent to spur me on to keep trying and to over come that current situation. All the while also saying, 'I don't know how you do it'. What a contradiction! The statements just as offending to me now include, 'He's allowing you to go through this to teach you something' , 'Now you will have the ability to reach people who have suffered the same things as you, it will probably end up being your ministry', and how about, 'it's your winter season, your dry season'. 'This is your desert place before you come to your promised land'.
These things are said by people partly because they don't know what else to say, but also because they think they are encouraging you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. A time of blessing beyond what you have experienced....a time of prosperity, ease and delight. All of which only cater to our natural desire to feel pleasure and not pain. That hedonist desire in all of us to be satisfied with any and every pleasure. Well....that could be going a bit too far, maybe. I do admit I was always wishing I was in a good place of being pleased then in the place I was which was painful in someway shape or form.
I think my strength usually came from the idea that this crisis would end, this test would be complete. I would pass because of how strong I was, how self sacrificing I had been. How loyal, how faithful, how unwavering, positive and encouraging to others throughout the family crisis. I would soon be rewarded  with prosperity, friends, the love and admiration of everyone I knew, stability and supernatural health for everyone in my home, plus miraculous healings. Included in that was the false thought that I would be made perfect and no longer need to go through another test to prove myself worthy.
It was the hope of pleasurable times that gave me strength to endure all that I did. Turns out the hope of good times is not a strong enough foundation to stand on. It holds you up for a while but soon crumbles under the pressure when the good never seems to last long, or come at all.

I guess this is the stripping bare that needs to happen. Finding out what I've really been made of, and then re-constructing me. Remodelling is not an easy or clean process...just ask someone who has torn apart a kitchen, or bathroom. It's dusty, smelly, dirty, inconvenient and one of the top most stressful things in life next to moving, divorce, and a severe illness or death in the family. So, when that remodelling is of your inner self, don't expect much less...I certainly don't.

A Comparison!

How much do we as a society compare ourselves to others? 


This was the general topic tonight at House Group, although it didn't come out as a question like that...
But really how much? Is North America more prone to compare their life styles, their hair styles, their clothes style or their parenting style to another North American? More so then say the British? The Asians? Or the Muslims? Is one culture, or religion, or geographical region more likely to live life based on how they think they measure up to another from that same group?
Or is it only Christians who live that way? Constantly comparing if they measure up to the cultural or societal class they live in. Or the person one pew closer to the alter?
Is it purely the fault of media that we compare ourselves to others...?
Then why do we also compare ourselves to ourselves? 
This evening I mentioned how I just still have not "risen" out of the last low place I was in. The last valley my life's path took me though. I just could not put my finger on why that was. Usually I go into a deep valley but always come out soaring, just as high as I had been low. But not this time. This time I truly thought deep down, further then I would have allowed venture out to say face to face to anyone....I thought I was really broken this time. Never to return to my capable self. That self who was full of faith, and hope, and positive words of encouragement to myself and others. Full of optimism, and fight.
That is not me anymore, or at least not right now. 

A light bulb went on tonight.Only because someone else brought it up. I have been comparing my current self to who I was before. I measured myself and found myself to be less then what I had been. By my own estimation I didn't just not measure up, I didn't measure up to myself! How crazy does that sound now that it is out in type?!
I had decided that God surely couldn't love me at all. Not because I was bad or sinful, but because if I didn't measure up before, when I thought I was doing as much right as I could humanly do then I really didn't measure up and qualify for His love now when I don't feel like I'm even as capable as I was then!
Is any of this making sense? It sounds like rubbish as I type. Probably because when a lie believed is finally exposed for what it really is, it is rubbish and the stink is noticeable.


I was able to tell myself tonight that God loves me, just as much now as He did then. It's been a hard thing to grasp, His love. I was reminded tonight of a favourite quote spoken to me by a dear friend. It is the single most moving, and loving thing anyone has ever said to me. It pierced me, flooded me, and sank deep into me when these words rolled from his tongue.  I have it on my Facebook profile page even.


"I want you to know that if you never did another thing, helped or contributed ever again to the community it would not make us love you any less. That you don’t have to work any more to have our love. You never had to do a thing, you have it already, and you had it from the start". 


The most moving words ever! No comparison to someone else, or even my previous actions. No expectations to keep doing or being, or improving! No wonder it is easy to love the people who said these words! It is as easy as breathing! 
For days, even weeks afterwards I thought on these words. I rolled them around in my mind and heart. I cherished them. I made them mine. It is because of these words and the truth behind them that I was able to see difficulties that came up in our relationships from time to time for what they were, out of love and not malice. These words... a total of 59 words created in me a deeper love for the people who said them then I ever expected to experience. So deep that at times it scares me.
Is this not the kind of love I should be feeling for God?  It is what I have wanted from God, to know that He loves me that way too. I didn't know He did. Not until tonight, when I heard similar words spoken again. 


'God can not love you anymore then He does right now. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you any more,  nor make Him love you any less.'


It's time to meditate on these words now. To make His love mine so that a deep love for Him is build and formed under me. That way when valleys come or storms roll in I will see them for what they really are, tools of love to smooth and mould me into who God already sees me as. Not what I have always seen them as up till now, as abandonment. 
Was there a lightness that came with these words? Yes, gently. As if to not cause a shaking from a sudden release. It is a gentle subtle shift that I feel slowly descending into the depths. Little bits are letting go. I not longer have to feel condemned because I'm not the same person I was. I no longer have to think I'm unworthy of even punishment. No, now I can start to see His love instead. Eventually it will permeate everything in my life and just like my friends I will not be moved from His love either.


He just loves me!