Inclination to Friendship

Who am I? Do you know? Do you have the time, the inclination to find out?

How many people do you know by name when you see them? Is it the same number as your friends list on Facebook? Even if you are one of those people who has pared down your list, purged it of those you only met once in high school, or at the bar, or Zumba...
Who would you call an acquaintance and who would you call a friend? And if you were to call them friend, would they call you friend too?
Does friendship just require vast amounts of time spent together? Or an intense experience? Or is it like Anne and Diane? Bosom friends right from the moment you meet? Is it all or none of the above?

I would actually like to know. I have not grown up with many good experiences with friends. Back bitting and bullying in the school yard scarred me for sure and made me less trusting of others. After becoming a christian in my teen years I witnessed and experienced a lot of hypocrisy and showmanship. I called them "the hair people". The ones who had to look and act right in the right places but the surface was often translucent.

I can not say that I still have one friend from my school years, or from my early christian years. Even the friends who were invited to our wedding are all gone. As kids came with physical health issues, and continued money issues due to my husbands health or employer (really, no fault of his own) I felt more and more alone. No one in the halls of our church wanted to really hear how I was doing. I learned that as people backed away when I would tell them how I was. Literally! Instead I took to emotionally vomiting that stuff out to store clerks or strangers because no one else was interested in getting past my daily issues to find out who I was under all of it.

I know, I felt it too. I didn't want to hear about others issues because I had enough of my own. Nor did I want to hear about the latest blessing that had befallen them. That just made me feel inadequate or forgotten by God. So why would I expect others to want to know me? I didn't. I learned to keep to myself. Even the few people who I did socialize with I learned to keep conversation to their health, the weather, or the last thing one of my kids did in school.

Surface relationship was all I was capable of. Though I desired more I learned to ignore that need. It was unrealistic in the environment I lived in. I didn't think I was worthy enough for someone to get to know. I don't think I even knew who I was! All I saw was the circumstances that continually surrounded our family. I was drowning in circumstances and had no one to help point me in the right direction since I had learned not to tell anyone about it. I was too much.

Five years ago we moved here, to Fredericton, New Brunswick. This is the city, in a Province whose motto is Hope Restored in which I found my first REAL friend. She loved me when I was harsh. She loved me when I was broken. She loved me when I was over whelmingly too clingy. I went through every emotion and level, stage, or expression of wrong and right relationship. Her and her husband both continued to approach me with wisdom and Gods love knowing that God created me with gifts and as a gift. I just needed some consistent love from them for all of us to see that I was capable of having a healthy friendship and too see the gifts deeply hidden within and under all the years of overwhelming circumstances. They found me worthy to get to know!

It took most of three years for that revelation to come to me and for me to be capable of healthy relationship. But I got there! For the last two years I have more or less felt calm, and comfortable because I knew that there were at least two people in this world I could confide in, wrestle with and just enjoy time with.

They recently moved away.

I have tried to continue to build relationship with others. People who would also pursue relationship with me. It was going well for a while but I feel I have hit a snag. I'm doubting that anyone but my friend and her husband could ever really love me. Life is so busy, schedules are different and changes have happened in the community all causing road blocks to the ease of the slightly deeper than surface relationships that I have enjoyed over these last few years. Others pull away for reasons unknown. Some have schedules that just don't mesh with my new life of full time work. Others had good friends of their own for some time so they seemed to have no interest in going deep with me. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone. Except this time I know what I'm missing because for awhile I actually had something so very precious.

One friendship I have pursued hard. At first in a mentor type position. Then I tried being the one who was only the listener, instead of the advice giver. Whether right or wrong I eventually shifted to the place of equals and still try to grow deeper in relationship. Sharing from my heart, my emotions, and my history. She has done the same many times. I have allowed full access to every part of my life. I have given in every way I think it is possible to give with the only thing I want in return is deep friendship. Someone I can call on no matter what, no matter when. Someone willing to listen to my stupid ideas, heart aches and joys.

I want someone who will slap my hand and hug me at the same time. A true friend. Nothing more than what I already offer her. But often times I feel nothing but a push and a wall go up. A backing away and a shutting off. And what's hardest about that is I don't know why. Am I getting too personal? Is she just not interested in this depth of friendship with me, because she already has others (or cuz it's me)?

At times I want to give up and go back to being closed off and stone hearted. It was less confusing for one. Less hurtful. And three, it was less mentally time consuming! I seem to over think what's going on, or is not going on. What am I doing right and what am I doing wrong. What is me and what is her? It's exhausting. I have even shed tears over my worries.

I suppose true Godly, unconditional love loves regardless of what it gets back. Even if it looks nothing like what you what it to look like. Or if it's nothing at all! Unconditional means exactly that! No conditions.

I could just be imagining the feeling of a barrier between us. It could be that I still don't really know what friendship actually looks and feels like. It's most likely that I am over expecting and because of that imagining everything else. I don't know. That is why I'm writing. To explore my feelings, thoughts, and heart regarding what friendship means and looks like and feels like. I bet it's even supposed to be different with different people.

I wonder, how does God feel when I shut Him out because He got a little too personal with me? He thinks I'm worth knowing, and pursuing. Or, so I'm told.

An Unexpected Night

Tonight started out as any other. At home watching a t.v. show on the internet. A friend came home with the promise that I would drive her home later. She had mentioned a dream she had and I wanted to hear it. It had rattled her.

Too many people in the house and no where to go in it to talk alone so we left to “take her home”. I was itching for an excuse to get out of the house and just away. She wanted an Ice Cap, and I wanted to drive so I headed to the next city. She turned on the tunes as we drove without words, listening to the worship songs she picked. I found it very hard not to sing.

We stopped and had our treat and I listened to the God dream she had last night. We both had the same interpretation. That was confirmation to me that I am still discerning correctly. Haven’t had very many opportunities to exercise that part of me in a long while. 

I was still restless. I wanted back in the van and to just listen to worship songs. With every turn I went the opposite way from home. I just had no desire to go home. At least not yet. My friend sat quietly, DJ’ing our drive and unknowingly my heart, while I piloted the van a very long way home. Away from town at first, then back towards it the long way. Or so I thought....

As the tunes kept coming they continually softened my heart. I was content to enjoy the drive the long way home until it felt too long. My heart was turning to jelly and my passenger was noticing we should have hit the city by now. We were in the middle of nowhere. A new experience for me. I’m never lost, I have a very good sense of direction. But the fog, dark shiny roads, and the ‘too bright’ headlights must have caused me to miss a sign to turn somewhere. We realized we were nearly an hours drive south of town. Definitely the looong way home!

I got gas and we responsibly turned around and headed back to the City on an actual highway, giggling about our silly adventure. All the while more songs pouring out of the speakers flooding my dry spirit and heart with words and songs I have not heard in a long time, or had the chance to actually soak in. Little did I know at this point how unexpected the rest of my night would turn out! 

I remember saying out loud that I didn’t want to go back home. I seriously contemplated turning down the cut off towards a completely different city while my friend was looking down at the iPod for the next song. I thought she might get upset if I did so I kept heading home. 

At some point I noticed I was mush internally. I seriously needed to lay on the floor and just let these songs keep doing their work. But I was driving! We were both singing the songs we knew and listening to the ones we didn’t. I don’t know if my passenger was feeling the same softening of her heart as I was feeling. I was really liking her song choice and did not desire to stop that. I decided to push through and just get her home.

After a song that had a lot of Hallelujah's in it I could hear her still quietly singing and praying while I was quietly praying in tongues. It’s been too long since I did that too! I took the cut off to the bridge way too fast. I was less in my mind and more in the spirit then I have been in far too long. That turn was scary. I was sincerely worried my friend would not trust my driving again. I apologized several times. 

Now the unexpected happened. Still driving. Still heading for the bridge I was having to purposely breathe calmly. I opened my window fully. My spirit was now at the boiling point. I really really needed to lay down, and said so. I was getting more and more overwhelmed in the spirit than I have ever been. I was trying not to hyperventilate and I was releasing some of that boil-over by making the odd noise here and there. My friend thought this was hilarious. 

Trying to find one last song to tip me over the edge seemed to take her forever. I was anticipating more but was not expecting its force. Especially while driving down a full circle turn off! The first note of the song and I was as doubled over as I could be while still attempting to drive. I felt like I had just been punched in the spiritual gut. I was losing it fast! My passenger was both concerned about my needing to pull over and laughing hysterically at me, saying, “More Lord”. 

We were so close to her house I couldn’t see pulling over. I just wanted to lay down and let happen what needed to happen. I had been SO spiritually thirsty that I was soaking it all in! It was all I could do to stay focused on the road and drive. I pep talked myself there in between groans and spiritual gut punches. By the time I reached her driveway I had pretty much lost the ability to hold on. I was so relieved to park and turn off the van. Still laughing, my friend said she was just feeling Joy. I was shaking. I didn’t yet know what I was feeling except beat up and so full of His spirit that I couldn’t stay still. She had the nerve to keep saying, “More Lord, give her move....” I didn’t hear all of what she said. 

She did say that God was asking me ‘was I ready yet’. My first response was, ‘ready for what? No! I’m not ready, I’m tired of crap’. That response really shows my lack of trust for God I think.

I just wanted to lay down. My giggling passenger got out of the van and headed to the door, asking if I was coming. My legs were shaking so much I didn’t know if I could walk. She refused to help me but went to opened the back door. I stepped out of the van with too many things in my hands, couldn’t seem to lock the van with the FOB and doubled over. Now the full on laughing began. It was giggles at first, then full blown, but muffled laughter. I was only half way to the stairs! About three steps from the van. The second I saw the steps the laughter got harder. There was NO way I was going to make it up those three stairs without a handrail to hold myself up and I knew it. There is no handrail so I crawled up, dragging my purse along with me and laughing harder with each move towards the door. I couldn’t help it. I was loud and was being shushing. She was telling me to get in the house before I wake the neighbours! There is a first for everything : )

I was now laying on the back porch laughing hysterically and unable to move. My friend was sounding rather concerned about something and all I could do was laugh. I really didn’t want to remain in the cold and the dirt of the porch so i somehow managed to get to my knees and crawl into the house. I don’t know if I got part way up, all the way up or not up at all. Maybe I was picked up. I don’t remember but I eventually did end up in the laundry room, safely within the locked doors of the place. As she stepped over me she said I was definitely drunk. I guess I was. This would be a first for that too. I was never this drunk on alcohol before so I have nothing to compare it to but I was dizzy, loud, couldn’t see straight, and couldn’t even sit upright. Next thing I knew I was sliding sideways to the floor again, unable to stop laughing. It has to be the most fun I have ever had, hands, and me, down.

Still being coaxed into the living room I managed to move into the kitchen and sat in front of the oven, trying to catch my breath from all the laughing. Now my body was responding. I was coughing hard enough that I thought I was going to throw up. Not being able to breathe fully does cause me to cough during laughing, but this was a bit more intense. I was vaguely aware that there was praying going on for me. Asked if there was anything I wanted to get off my chest, I instinctually said no. She repeated the question, with an, “are you sure you don’t want to get something off your chest”? Here things changed completely.

I blurted out a statement to which her response was an automatic “no you don’t”, but I said it again and started to bawl. It’s not something I would ever want to repeat again. It was shocking to me too that it came out of my heart in the first place. But it was just where I was at the time. She quietly prayed. When I stopped internally complaining to God about the issue immediately I was being encouraged that He wants me to keep talking to Him about it. She was on the spiritual ball right then. Her spider senses were working and accurate! 

It got quiet for a bit and my friend asked if I had ever lived in the country, or what I thought of the country. I’m a city girl at heart for sure, but something in me would also love to live off the grid and more naturally and sustainably. But all that is a lot of work, work that I’m not really willing or able to do. She described a picture she saw of me, older but not old. Sitting on a veranda in the country. I was at peace. I had more grey hair than I have now, but I was not wrinkled to show actual age. Not much older than I am now in other words. There was stuff like mountains in the distance and I could see much further than most could. I had eyes like eagles eyes. (this vision is deep and intense!) 

STILL wanting me out of the kitchen, and having calmed down I obliged and got off the floor with the help of a kitchen chair. I was still dizzy and stumbled into her living room. Once I plunked down on a couch something seemed to change. I still didn’t want to go home, but within minutes she wanted me to leave. She checked often if I was ok. Maybe she was checking to see if I was falling asleep. Then statements like, ‘I have to get up early for an appointment’ started coming out. As true as I knew that to be she had missed so many before. Simple things have stopped her from going before. It seemed so sudden a change in her attitude. I knew that she must have felt uncomfortable about something, and it was most likely what I had blurted out in the kitchen. If I had been one of her younger girlfriends would she have been so quick to kick them out? Or would she have let them stay the night and see them through to the end of whatever was going on inside? 

It was obvious the night was over weather I wanted it to be or not so I forced myself off the couch and out the door. Yes, I was still a bit stumblie. But I was having to shake it off and sober up so I could go home now. Everything in me was crying to not go home, but now I had no where else to go but home. That feeling of being trapped clamped down on me rather harshly as I drove over that bridge toward home.

I recalled that there had been a change in her tune again once I was in the kitchen. Asking if I was ok, she was now wondering if I should stay. Was that just out of guilt perhaps? Unless there is a spiritual difference in each room of her house. That’s possible too. But it was too late by then. I was not going to stay somewhere I felt I wasn’t wanted. Had I just unintentionally crossed a line of exposing myself too much?

Perhaps that was the reason for the unsettled feeling that had suddenly appeared. Maybe I was being rejected again because too much got exposed and it was felt that I am too much to handle. This whole experience kind of did blindside both of us. Maybe my friend was just not prepared to handle the clean up of the train wreck that had just happened in her kitchen. When God moves, you gotta be prepared to see His work through. If He started something He will help you see it through if you let Him.

It should be interesting to see what the relationship feels like over the next few days. I really hope it’s not damaged. Only time will tell. So far my friend has not checked in with me to see if I even got home safe. Maybe I should be the one to contact her and find out  what she has going through her head and heart about tonight. It would be the mature thing to do. I feel that shrinking back feeling of shame and embarrassment too though. I’ll have to fight it if I want to show her I want to keep our friendship. It is really important to me. She is really important to me.

A side note: As I think about the vision she had of me earlier, it strikes me first that I was alone. Second the grey hair without the age to match speaks of wisdom beyond my years. Thirdly, the eagles eyes speak of the prophets ability to see what is coming in the future. 

Peace is one of those things I have learned by experience to stop hoping to enjoy. Maybe peace really will one day come. I can’t make myself feel it. It will have to be a gift that I don’t work for. I’m willing to let it come and until it does I will wait.

Let it be Lord.

12-09-02

Induced Selective Hearing

I seem to find myself in a strange situation. I can't hear well with my left ear.
Nothing to be concerned with I'm sure, it's just ear wax build up. It's how long it has lasted that has me frustrated. If it was a day or two I wouldn't be bothered enough to write about it. So far it's lasted just over a week.
I'm sporadically making attempts to clear it up. Using over the counter ear drops, hot water showers and letting it run in my ear. Even pouring warm water in my ear over the bathroom sink with my Netty Pot. So far nothing has worked.
It's not painful at all. Just feels annoyingly full. The dulled sound is frustrating. I can't tell how loud I'm speaking so people keep asking me to repeat myself. I can't hear well enough so I'm asking everyone to repeat themselves. Lots of noise, or loud sudden noises are very overwhelming and almost painful in my right ear.
Another thing I have noticed is the ringing in my head. I knew it was there for about a year now. A side effect of some medication I'm on. Usually background music is enough to drowned it out, but it is exaggerated now in my plugged ear. It's all I hear. It's not only annoying but tiresome, and can give me a headache. Nothing drowns it out now.

I have one unexpected observation. I'm in a more intimate world. I can't hear phones ring or buzz. Kids voices downstairs are now absent, and conversations in another room are too hard to hear to be concerned with trying to make out the dialogue. Big noises I notice but even their direction is unclear. I can't tell if it is coming from my house or outside.
So far I've missed phone calls, details of a prayer request and I don't listen to my radio much because it overwhelms me.
So no big deal...I know. This too will pass.
But what is God saying to me? What some might consider a coincidence or making to much out of nothing I am willing to see differently. I know God speaks all the time. He never stopped speaking. So I need to pay attention.

I recognize I've been drowning Him out with everything and anything I can find. I'm not ready to risk giving Him my all yet.
Perhaps He is ready for me to stop my neglecting of Him. Maybe He is wanting to help me remove some of those distractions I keep putting in front of Him. Your turn to guess.
What do you think God is trying to say to me?
What do you think He is saying to you?!? and How is He saying it?

A Poem, just for a change.

I thought I'd change it up a bit tonight and post a poem I finished today.
I'm not the kind who tends to ponder long on poems. Long for me is just a half to a full hour at most. So this one is different. I have been pondering it for about a week now, but I wrote it today.
Don't think it's some earth shatteringly deep revelatory literary work. I'm not going to say I'm not capable of that, but I've not studied writing or practised much. I've never even read one of the top 100 novels. It's not a life ambition of mine. Not on a bucket list, which I don't have either.
But! This poem did come from inspiration. A friend on Facebook posted a photo with three words. I thought they would make a great album name, since she is a beautiful singer and musician. Then a few days later she had on her status the first line of this poem. I found it profound and mentioned it would make a great line in a song. Strangely enough, she claimed to not even have posted it. It was a hacked post. 
Funny how God is. Sometimes you can find inspiration, clues, and even destiny wrapped up in the most unsuspecting places. Or in the most unusual wrapping! This was one for me. I just couldn't forget the title or the line. I've mulled it over and it wouldn't let go of me. I had to put down something. 
Not sure if it's exactly what I wanted to write at all, but it is what came out. So I'm deciding to trust that this is what was meant to come out. 
I hope you like it.
Jenn

The Wise Ocean

By Jennifer J. Mersereau

June 3rd, 2012

Your life is full of whimsy and dance-filled meanings

Shades of blue and green mingle 

As sun and sky softly caress the surface

Which moves and stands still all at once

Forcing feelings to breach the bubble

Light penetrates and opens opportunity

Breath held for just a moment

Then motions become one

Both cold and warmth envelope gently

Sense of time stands still

Or rushes up to catch you

It can hold you in its hands

It can tumble you out like dice

Deep and deeper still

Falling up and out

Drifting through and from and to

Face up and eyes wide open

Nothingness feels so real

Everything osculates at once

Carried by the wind and water

Even sky stands still

Solid form is just a fragment

Imaginary thoughts escape

Fire submerged ignites within

Travailing to love

Whispers the Wise Ocean,

Ripples the Wise Ocean,

Swells the Wise Ocean,

Thunders the Wise Ocean

Counting My Blessings

So. I’m finding it’s time to count my blessings and take stock of what is so that I have an idea of where I’m going. Do I have goals and what are they? Can I achieve them if I have any? If I don’t maybe it’s time to set some. 

It is time to confront my fears and insecurities to see if God really did dis-own me, or if I’ve just been blinded by circumstances. Did I put up a measuring stick to God that He can’t measure up to? Is it possible to expect too much, or too little of God? 

Can I change who I have become without going back to the old measuring sticks I use to measure life by, myself by, and God by? 

This just might be more than one post...We’ll see once I get going.

Counting my Blessings:  

I have a wonderful family. A husband who loves and adores me. Married 21 years this June. He loves and cherishes our children. We have four amazing kids. All very talented in many divers ways and areas. None the same, but all great. They know how to have fun but are still respectful of each other. They are good kids. Honest, considerate, loving, and faithful.

I had a great and easy childhood at home. Not perfect of course. But drama was not part of our lives. My folks worked, we ate regular meals, had curfews, and chore days. We saw our Grandparents regularly; Aunts, Uncles and Cousins a few times a year. Lived in the same house all my growing up years too. My Dad still lives there. I felt secure, protected, and cared for. (Why don’t I remember that feeling?)

Today we live in a great neighbourhood, a nice house with enough bedrooms, though if I had my way I’d have a couple more bedrooms to house some 20-something friends for cheap. We have always managed to pay our bills eventually, even without full time jobs. We have never missed a mortgage payment. We eat good food, and are never hungry or in want for food or clean water. We may not have the latest thing, or the most stylish clothes but we are well clothed, all six of us. 

Physically we are all doing rather well now. Hubby’s last heart surgery was well over 2 years ago. Our doctors have been keeping him busy with regular tests and check-ups so that we always know if something arises. The kids have not broken any bones in a few years. All four kids having Osteogenesis Imperfecta (or Brittle Bones) has made life very busy at times but there have been no fractures in at least 3 years. YAY!!! 

Our third child was found just over a year ago to have a hole in her heart. It is now fixed and she will have no issue for the rest of her life. If the hole had not been found if would have shortened her life to about 30+ years old. Now she has the opportunity to live a long full life without possible complications from heart/lung issues. 

Me? We’ll I’ve always been the non-issue person in the family. Rarely sick from even colds or flus, taking care of everyone. That was until 2 years ago. But now, my heels are no longer painful. My knees are still sore, but better. Enough so that I can now walk 40 minutes. I’m still having issues but they are so much better. And, I’m on the way to better health. I’ve decided to take care of myself (huge deal for me). I have joined a local gym and have been visiting there 3 to 4 times a week. 

We live in an amazing country. Canada is big, open, full of opportunities and clean. Our water is clean, our air is clean and our streets are clean (for the most part). We have “free” healthcare. Our infrastructure is great across the country, and our economy is fairly stable compared to much of the world.

Tis true! I am very blessed. When going through the daily problems we all as humans have I will remember that God has blessed me with much. 

What has God blessed you with? 

(Yup, this is a few blogs long. I'll keep posting)

What's Your Gait?

I heard a story the other day from a friend. His brother had once forgotten his walk for about two weeks. It’s baffling, but looked rather funny to my friend to see his brother walk funny until he re-established his normal gait. As he told me the story I was imagining the double bounce walk Mickey Mouse does. Works well for Mickey but looks completely ridiculous on a human. 

Strange. How does one forget their normal gait? It seems impossible. A quick search on the internet shows it is a common occurrence within the late stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Brain damage can cause the same effect, to forget how to walk. But those have real physical reasons for losing not just normal gait but eventually how to walk altogether, and sometimes suddenly. No my friends brother was not ill but a strong young man at the time. And he did eventually regain his normal gait. 

I joked with my friend that I was smart, I hadn’t lost my walk. 

Today I forced myself to get out the door and go for a walk again. I’ve just started a healthy habit of walking in the morning. See, I could stand to lose a few more than just a few pounds but I also am in need of strengthening my legs. Having injured both my knees a year ago I did a lot of sitting. It is time for a change. Walking still hurts if I’m not careful. Small inclines are worse than flat terrain. I get home 40 minutes later out of breath and feeling like I accomplished something to my benefit. 

Plus, I get to think uninterrupted for those 40 minutes. 

I had been recently asked what my passions were and I had nothing come to mind at all. I could remember old passions that died over time due to lack of money, lack of opportunity, and just plain death of my own desires and hopes because of the stresses of my crisis filled life. It was recommended to me to go for walks to talk with God and re-discover my passions. The idea brought back memories. That was one thing I did love to do back in my home town as a young Christian. I would go for walks along the escarpment listening to the birds, looking at the shapes of leaves, the sunset, and the city below. I loved to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet in the fall and see the raccoons in the trees in spring. That was a quiet time with God. The only quiet time I had alone, and I would just marvel at His creation and how amazing it and He was. 

So, my journey of walking began again.

My vision and understanding of things has deepened over the years. I can now see connections and things God is trying to highlight for me to follow better than I could as a young teenager. Today my walk had me enjoying the sights of the beautiful walking paths but also mulling two seemingly disconnected thoughts. I had been told I’d forgotten how to do things like Jenn would do them and I needed to do them like Jenn would. As I mulled this statement, which I realized was more true than I’d like to admit I also thought of my friends brother forgetting his own walk.

 Forehead slap!

 I had forgotten my own spiritual gait! I had lost it and was trying out a different way of walking that was unnatural to me, but I was trying desperately to make it fit. I was even beginning to get use to the feeling of the new walk, even if it did make me look silly. I knew it made me look silly. I could see it in the eyes of one of my children, and in the face of grace of one of my friends as she just let me. Most didn’t notice my gait had changed. I’m not sure if I was trying to keep it a secret or if I was even that successful at hiding it from anyone else.

I’m the one who has forgotten my gait!

  I am suspecting that my previous spiritual gait heavily relied on a crutch of some kind. Religious parameters that I understood and lived by because I was told it was the right thing to do. I find it easy to live by black and white, right and wrong parameters. It gives structure and security to me. Since losing many of those man made rules of religion I have felt lost. Little is left to lean on. I do feel unsteady, left open and exposed, and unsafe. I have nothing to hide behind, or rely on to guide me. If nothing is wrong, or unlawful but I’ve live most of my life as though they were, where does that leave me except to think that what I lived was a lie. 

Now what?

How do I walk now that the structure I used to hold on to has been removed from me? Of course my gait is going to be off, unsteady, silly looking even! My legs are weak from lack of use for so long. I’m not so sure how to stand on my own two feet, relying on something that is less structured. Part of me wants to find out what I’ve missed for so many years. Who I would have been without the crutch. Another part of me just wants the old parameters back. My gait is liable to be off for a little while longer still as I figure out what’s safe to hold on to and what’s not. What will give me support and what restricts me. What was really me, and what was the crutch I relied on for so long. 

So, what do I do with the God instructions to “do things like Jenn would do them”?

I know I have to relearn my walk, but I’m not convinced it will look exactly the way it did before. I am hopeful that it will eventually be stronger and more powerful than it once was. Just like I’m hoping this physical act of walking regularly will increase my stamina and over all strength. For now, the stride is short and slow. My footsteps are unsure and clumsy. My knees can even give out on me causing some pain. There is an internal struggle to know which path to take, to figure out how best to get where I’m going. I think I need to just focus on the fact that the best sign is that I’m up and off my butt. I’m moving on my own steam and without the old crutch. Forwards or backwards. It’s all movement that will only serve to strengthen some unused muscles.

I will regain a functioning gait.

Twenty-somethings and Hiding

Funny, how life is sometimes. Who enters your life at certain times, for seasons or for longer.

I have been bored these last few weeks. Sitting at home doing the minimal of housework, cooking, mostly driving kids around, watching T.V too, or surfing the net...mostly Facebook really. Just plain bored. I told someone the other day that I have no vision. No future aspirations, no hope for something bigger or better to come my way. That was all stripped away with every hospital visit, doctor appointment, cast, surgery and late bill statement. I have and still do just plod along in day to day stuff because I don't know what else to do. Even my desire and love for crafty things is gone. I haven't scrap-booked in over 5 years. My last painting was done 3 years ago. I don't crochet, because I have enough scarves and that's all I know how to make. I haven't sewn anything productive besides fixing a hole or adding an elastic to something in over a year either. I don't know where my enjoyment in those things went, it's just gone.

Enter the Twenty-somethings into my life.
Recently over the last year or two I have had the enjoyment of a few young women enter my life. They come mostly from different backgrounds, but all have the same hope. Christ, and a better future than the path they were on was previously leading them. For some unknown reason they seem to keep coming back to me. I'm pretty sure I have more "cool" friends now then I ever did in all my years growing up. I'm finding it strange, and fascinating. I'm not much different now from my younger, "ugly duckling", unconfident self. I am often struck with wonder at why these beautiful, popular, and take charge young women willingly choose to spend time with me. Sometimes even often! It's fun though having friends who are 20 years my junior; in an awkward kind of way. It's like I am getting a chance to re-live some years with them I never had when I was their age. But still, down right baffling.

(A switch of gears here, I feel I now need to be much more revealing and am already feeling hesitant. I have only exposed some of this to one person so far, and am embarrassed that I have shared any of my inner self with anyone.)

I am now at a loss for words. I want to be forthcoming. I'm not the type to lie or deceive, but if I can hide I will; from others, but also from myself. I don't like knowing how stupid, immature, and self centred I can be. No one likes to look at them selves in the mirror when they are at their most ugly. Funny how we as humans can think others don't see that part of us. Often times, they do and just don't say anything....and sometimes they do. Just like the other day, when one of those amazing young women told me I have been acting rather childish towards God lately. Ouch!

I'm not mad, or hurt at all. I'm sad that I have been that way. I've been rebellious at heart and actually I still want to be. I want to hide. From myself, from the disappointment I feel towards where I am in life, from who I was before I was fully trampled by circumstances. I want to run from the possibility that this is all my life will amount to; over due bills, a house that we can't upkeep, the string of second hand vehicles that keep breaking down and costing so much money. Lack, lack, lack. I want to hide from my kids when I hear or see something that reminds me of how bad a parent I was when they were younger. I want to hide from friends because I am feeling that I can be too much. Not in a way that my life's circumstances are too much for them to deal with anymore, but from the feeling that I can be too clingy and needy for their attention. I'm working my hardest to not let on that I'm like that too. Or, I could just be over reacting to these new relationships. Friendships, deep ones, are very new to me and figuring out what is right or wrong to do, appropriate or inappropriate to feel in friendships can be confusing to the heart when encountered for the first time. This is stuff that kids learn on playgrounds and schoolyards. Not the stuff that is learned in your early 40's for pete's sake. Yet, here I am. And I want to hide from that fact too. I want to hide from God as well. It's impossible I know. But if I stay just out of reach enough....maybe I'll blend into the woodwork and coast through life without any more trampling or pain.

That's never going to happen. I too deeply want my life to be more than that! More than it has been. I want to matter to others. I want to have a friend who can't live without me, instead of it being me who can't live without them. I want to have adventure, to take risks and win for a change. I want to be able to not look back at some part of my life and not feel regretful or cheated. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that I hear others say they have, where they hear Him and feel Holy Spirit in a tangible way. Where He tells me stuff, good stuff. I want to be on the inside with God, not the outside fringes. It is a constant war internally between wanting to hide, and wanting to be in the center of it all, not left out. I guess when you get down to it I want to be in the least painful place I could be. Neither option is it. Both come with their own set of hurts and painful circumstances. And so, I want to hide from even making that choice.

I re-read a blog posting of a friend, which is really what started me to write tonight. It was an eye opening view. To see the struggle of a promising young women who pulled herself out of some bad life patterns. Comparatively to see her now living such a beautiful life in deep relationship with Christ. It is easy to see from this side of things how all her difficulties and worries, all valid are mere speed bumps or detours on a road to success in everything she does, no matter which path she takes. Our lives were so different, our paths so completely opposite. I wonder how someone who made all the safe choices in life could end up so desperately wishing that she hadn't. So strongly wishing she had taken (or could) a path like this young women had traveled for a time and is now out of. Wishing to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident with her abilities. Motivated to change, to step out and take a risk now, forgetting about the fear of failure and instead grasping the excitement of something new and fun. Instead I want to still hide. Hide from failure, embarrassment, and fear. To hide from the person I want to be, but do not have the courage and confidence to be.

  So really. Why do these twenty-somethings want to hang out with me?!!?