Induced Selective Hearing

I seem to find myself in a strange situation. I can't hear well with my left ear.
Nothing to be concerned with I'm sure, it's just ear wax build up. It's how long it has lasted that has me frustrated. If it was a day or two I wouldn't be bothered enough to write about it. So far it's lasted just over a week.
I'm sporadically making attempts to clear it up. Using over the counter ear drops, hot water showers and letting it run in my ear. Even pouring warm water in my ear over the bathroom sink with my Netty Pot. So far nothing has worked.
It's not painful at all. Just feels annoyingly full. The dulled sound is frustrating. I can't tell how loud I'm speaking so people keep asking me to repeat myself. I can't hear well enough so I'm asking everyone to repeat themselves. Lots of noise, or loud sudden noises are very overwhelming and almost painful in my right ear.
Another thing I have noticed is the ringing in my head. I knew it was there for about a year now. A side effect of some medication I'm on. Usually background music is enough to drowned it out, but it is exaggerated now in my plugged ear. It's all I hear. It's not only annoying but tiresome, and can give me a headache. Nothing drowns it out now.

I have one unexpected observation. I'm in a more intimate world. I can't hear phones ring or buzz. Kids voices downstairs are now absent, and conversations in another room are too hard to hear to be concerned with trying to make out the dialogue. Big noises I notice but even their direction is unclear. I can't tell if it is coming from my house or outside.
So far I've missed phone calls, details of a prayer request and I don't listen to my radio much because it overwhelms me.
So no big deal...I know. This too will pass.
But what is God saying to me? What some might consider a coincidence or making to much out of nothing I am willing to see differently. I know God speaks all the time. He never stopped speaking. So I need to pay attention.

I recognize I've been drowning Him out with everything and anything I can find. I'm not ready to risk giving Him my all yet.
Perhaps He is ready for me to stop my neglecting of Him. Maybe He is wanting to help me remove some of those distractions I keep putting in front of Him. Your turn to guess.
What do you think God is trying to say to me?
What do you think He is saying to you?!? and How is He saying it?

A Poem, just for a change.

I thought I'd change it up a bit tonight and post a poem I finished today.
I'm not the kind who tends to ponder long on poems. Long for me is just a half to a full hour at most. So this one is different. I have been pondering it for about a week now, but I wrote it today.
Don't think it's some earth shatteringly deep revelatory literary work. I'm not going to say I'm not capable of that, but I've not studied writing or practised much. I've never even read one of the top 100 novels. It's not a life ambition of mine. Not on a bucket list, which I don't have either.
But! This poem did come from inspiration. A friend on Facebook posted a photo with three words. I thought they would make a great album name, since she is a beautiful singer and musician. Then a few days later she had on her status the first line of this poem. I found it profound and mentioned it would make a great line in a song. Strangely enough, she claimed to not even have posted it. It was a hacked post. 
Funny how God is. Sometimes you can find inspiration, clues, and even destiny wrapped up in the most unsuspecting places. Or in the most unusual wrapping! This was one for me. I just couldn't forget the title or the line. I've mulled it over and it wouldn't let go of me. I had to put down something. 
Not sure if it's exactly what I wanted to write at all, but it is what came out. So I'm deciding to trust that this is what was meant to come out. 
I hope you like it.
Jenn

The Wise Ocean

By Jennifer J. Mersereau

June 3rd, 2012

Your life is full of whimsy and dance-filled meanings

Shades of blue and green mingle 

As sun and sky softly caress the surface

Which moves and stands still all at once

Forcing feelings to breach the bubble

Light penetrates and opens opportunity

Breath held for just a moment

Then motions become one

Both cold and warmth envelope gently

Sense of time stands still

Or rushes up to catch you

It can hold you in its hands

It can tumble you out like dice

Deep and deeper still

Falling up and out

Drifting through and from and to

Face up and eyes wide open

Nothingness feels so real

Everything osculates at once

Carried by the wind and water

Even sky stands still

Solid form is just a fragment

Imaginary thoughts escape

Fire submerged ignites within

Travailing to love

Whispers the Wise Ocean,

Ripples the Wise Ocean,

Swells the Wise Ocean,

Thunders the Wise Ocean

Counting My Blessings

So. I’m finding it’s time to count my blessings and take stock of what is so that I have an idea of where I’m going. Do I have goals and what are they? Can I achieve them if I have any? If I don’t maybe it’s time to set some. 

It is time to confront my fears and insecurities to see if God really did dis-own me, or if I’ve just been blinded by circumstances. Did I put up a measuring stick to God that He can’t measure up to? Is it possible to expect too much, or too little of God? 

Can I change who I have become without going back to the old measuring sticks I use to measure life by, myself by, and God by? 

This just might be more than one post...We’ll see once I get going.

Counting my Blessings:  

I have a wonderful family. A husband who loves and adores me. Married 21 years this June. He loves and cherishes our children. We have four amazing kids. All very talented in many divers ways and areas. None the same, but all great. They know how to have fun but are still respectful of each other. They are good kids. Honest, considerate, loving, and faithful.

I had a great and easy childhood at home. Not perfect of course. But drama was not part of our lives. My folks worked, we ate regular meals, had curfews, and chore days. We saw our Grandparents regularly; Aunts, Uncles and Cousins a few times a year. Lived in the same house all my growing up years too. My Dad still lives there. I felt secure, protected, and cared for. (Why don’t I remember that feeling?)

Today we live in a great neighbourhood, a nice house with enough bedrooms, though if I had my way I’d have a couple more bedrooms to house some 20-something friends for cheap. We have always managed to pay our bills eventually, even without full time jobs. We have never missed a mortgage payment. We eat good food, and are never hungry or in want for food or clean water. We may not have the latest thing, or the most stylish clothes but we are well clothed, all six of us. 

Physically we are all doing rather well now. Hubby’s last heart surgery was well over 2 years ago. Our doctors have been keeping him busy with regular tests and check-ups so that we always know if something arises. The kids have not broken any bones in a few years. All four kids having Osteogenesis Imperfecta (or Brittle Bones) has made life very busy at times but there have been no fractures in at least 3 years. YAY!!! 

Our third child was found just over a year ago to have a hole in her heart. It is now fixed and she will have no issue for the rest of her life. If the hole had not been found if would have shortened her life to about 30+ years old. Now she has the opportunity to live a long full life without possible complications from heart/lung issues. 

Me? We’ll I’ve always been the non-issue person in the family. Rarely sick from even colds or flus, taking care of everyone. That was until 2 years ago. But now, my heels are no longer painful. My knees are still sore, but better. Enough so that I can now walk 40 minutes. I’m still having issues but they are so much better. And, I’m on the way to better health. I’ve decided to take care of myself (huge deal for me). I have joined a local gym and have been visiting there 3 to 4 times a week. 

We live in an amazing country. Canada is big, open, full of opportunities and clean. Our water is clean, our air is clean and our streets are clean (for the most part). We have “free” healthcare. Our infrastructure is great across the country, and our economy is fairly stable compared to much of the world.

Tis true! I am very blessed. When going through the daily problems we all as humans have I will remember that God has blessed me with much. 

What has God blessed you with? 

(Yup, this is a few blogs long. I'll keep posting)

What's Your Gait?

I heard a story the other day from a friend. His brother had once forgotten his walk for about two weeks. It’s baffling, but looked rather funny to my friend to see his brother walk funny until he re-established his normal gait. As he told me the story I was imagining the double bounce walk Mickey Mouse does. Works well for Mickey but looks completely ridiculous on a human. 

Strange. How does one forget their normal gait? It seems impossible. A quick search on the internet shows it is a common occurrence within the late stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. Brain damage can cause the same effect, to forget how to walk. But those have real physical reasons for losing not just normal gait but eventually how to walk altogether, and sometimes suddenly. No my friends brother was not ill but a strong young man at the time. And he did eventually regain his normal gait. 

I joked with my friend that I was smart, I hadn’t lost my walk. 

Today I forced myself to get out the door and go for a walk again. I’ve just started a healthy habit of walking in the morning. See, I could stand to lose a few more than just a few pounds but I also am in need of strengthening my legs. Having injured both my knees a year ago I did a lot of sitting. It is time for a change. Walking still hurts if I’m not careful. Small inclines are worse than flat terrain. I get home 40 minutes later out of breath and feeling like I accomplished something to my benefit. 

Plus, I get to think uninterrupted for those 40 minutes. 

I had been recently asked what my passions were and I had nothing come to mind at all. I could remember old passions that died over time due to lack of money, lack of opportunity, and just plain death of my own desires and hopes because of the stresses of my crisis filled life. It was recommended to me to go for walks to talk with God and re-discover my passions. The idea brought back memories. That was one thing I did love to do back in my home town as a young Christian. I would go for walks along the escarpment listening to the birds, looking at the shapes of leaves, the sunset, and the city below. I loved to hear the crunch of leaves under my feet in the fall and see the raccoons in the trees in spring. That was a quiet time with God. The only quiet time I had alone, and I would just marvel at His creation and how amazing it and He was. 

So, my journey of walking began again.

My vision and understanding of things has deepened over the years. I can now see connections and things God is trying to highlight for me to follow better than I could as a young teenager. Today my walk had me enjoying the sights of the beautiful walking paths but also mulling two seemingly disconnected thoughts. I had been told I’d forgotten how to do things like Jenn would do them and I needed to do them like Jenn would. As I mulled this statement, which I realized was more true than I’d like to admit I also thought of my friends brother forgetting his own walk.

 Forehead slap!

 I had forgotten my own spiritual gait! I had lost it and was trying out a different way of walking that was unnatural to me, but I was trying desperately to make it fit. I was even beginning to get use to the feeling of the new walk, even if it did make me look silly. I knew it made me look silly. I could see it in the eyes of one of my children, and in the face of grace of one of my friends as she just let me. Most didn’t notice my gait had changed. I’m not sure if I was trying to keep it a secret or if I was even that successful at hiding it from anyone else.

I’m the one who has forgotten my gait!

  I am suspecting that my previous spiritual gait heavily relied on a crutch of some kind. Religious parameters that I understood and lived by because I was told it was the right thing to do. I find it easy to live by black and white, right and wrong parameters. It gives structure and security to me. Since losing many of those man made rules of religion I have felt lost. Little is left to lean on. I do feel unsteady, left open and exposed, and unsafe. I have nothing to hide behind, or rely on to guide me. If nothing is wrong, or unlawful but I’ve live most of my life as though they were, where does that leave me except to think that what I lived was a lie. 

Now what?

How do I walk now that the structure I used to hold on to has been removed from me? Of course my gait is going to be off, unsteady, silly looking even! My legs are weak from lack of use for so long. I’m not so sure how to stand on my own two feet, relying on something that is less structured. Part of me wants to find out what I’ve missed for so many years. Who I would have been without the crutch. Another part of me just wants the old parameters back. My gait is liable to be off for a little while longer still as I figure out what’s safe to hold on to and what’s not. What will give me support and what restricts me. What was really me, and what was the crutch I relied on for so long. 

So, what do I do with the God instructions to “do things like Jenn would do them”?

I know I have to relearn my walk, but I’m not convinced it will look exactly the way it did before. I am hopeful that it will eventually be stronger and more powerful than it once was. Just like I’m hoping this physical act of walking regularly will increase my stamina and over all strength. For now, the stride is short and slow. My footsteps are unsure and clumsy. My knees can even give out on me causing some pain. There is an internal struggle to know which path to take, to figure out how best to get where I’m going. I think I need to just focus on the fact that the best sign is that I’m up and off my butt. I’m moving on my own steam and without the old crutch. Forwards or backwards. It’s all movement that will only serve to strengthen some unused muscles.

I will regain a functioning gait.

Twenty-somethings and Hiding

Funny, how life is sometimes. Who enters your life at certain times, for seasons or for longer.

I have been bored these last few weeks. Sitting at home doing the minimal of housework, cooking, mostly driving kids around, watching T.V too, or surfing the net...mostly Facebook really. Just plain bored. I told someone the other day that I have no vision. No future aspirations, no hope for something bigger or better to come my way. That was all stripped away with every hospital visit, doctor appointment, cast, surgery and late bill statement. I have and still do just plod along in day to day stuff because I don't know what else to do. Even my desire and love for crafty things is gone. I haven't scrap-booked in over 5 years. My last painting was done 3 years ago. I don't crochet, because I have enough scarves and that's all I know how to make. I haven't sewn anything productive besides fixing a hole or adding an elastic to something in over a year either. I don't know where my enjoyment in those things went, it's just gone.

Enter the Twenty-somethings into my life.
Recently over the last year or two I have had the enjoyment of a few young women enter my life. They come mostly from different backgrounds, but all have the same hope. Christ, and a better future than the path they were on was previously leading them. For some unknown reason they seem to keep coming back to me. I'm pretty sure I have more "cool" friends now then I ever did in all my years growing up. I'm finding it strange, and fascinating. I'm not much different now from my younger, "ugly duckling", unconfident self. I am often struck with wonder at why these beautiful, popular, and take charge young women willingly choose to spend time with me. Sometimes even often! It's fun though having friends who are 20 years my junior; in an awkward kind of way. It's like I am getting a chance to re-live some years with them I never had when I was their age. But still, down right baffling.

(A switch of gears here, I feel I now need to be much more revealing and am already feeling hesitant. I have only exposed some of this to one person so far, and am embarrassed that I have shared any of my inner self with anyone.)

I am now at a loss for words. I want to be forthcoming. I'm not the type to lie or deceive, but if I can hide I will; from others, but also from myself. I don't like knowing how stupid, immature, and self centred I can be. No one likes to look at them selves in the mirror when they are at their most ugly. Funny how we as humans can think others don't see that part of us. Often times, they do and just don't say anything....and sometimes they do. Just like the other day, when one of those amazing young women told me I have been acting rather childish towards God lately. Ouch!

I'm not mad, or hurt at all. I'm sad that I have been that way. I've been rebellious at heart and actually I still want to be. I want to hide. From myself, from the disappointment I feel towards where I am in life, from who I was before I was fully trampled by circumstances. I want to run from the possibility that this is all my life will amount to; over due bills, a house that we can't upkeep, the string of second hand vehicles that keep breaking down and costing so much money. Lack, lack, lack. I want to hide from my kids when I hear or see something that reminds me of how bad a parent I was when they were younger. I want to hide from friends because I am feeling that I can be too much. Not in a way that my life's circumstances are too much for them to deal with anymore, but from the feeling that I can be too clingy and needy for their attention. I'm working my hardest to not let on that I'm like that too. Or, I could just be over reacting to these new relationships. Friendships, deep ones, are very new to me and figuring out what is right or wrong to do, appropriate or inappropriate to feel in friendships can be confusing to the heart when encountered for the first time. This is stuff that kids learn on playgrounds and schoolyards. Not the stuff that is learned in your early 40's for pete's sake. Yet, here I am. And I want to hide from that fact too. I want to hide from God as well. It's impossible I know. But if I stay just out of reach enough....maybe I'll blend into the woodwork and coast through life without any more trampling or pain.

That's never going to happen. I too deeply want my life to be more than that! More than it has been. I want to matter to others. I want to have a friend who can't live without me, instead of it being me who can't live without them. I want to have adventure, to take risks and win for a change. I want to be able to not look back at some part of my life and not feel regretful or cheated. I want to have the kind of relationship with God that I hear others say they have, where they hear Him and feel Holy Spirit in a tangible way. Where He tells me stuff, good stuff. I want to be on the inside with God, not the outside fringes. It is a constant war internally between wanting to hide, and wanting to be in the center of it all, not left out. I guess when you get down to it I want to be in the least painful place I could be. Neither option is it. Both come with their own set of hurts and painful circumstances. And so, I want to hide from even making that choice.

I re-read a blog posting of a friend, which is really what started me to write tonight. It was an eye opening view. To see the struggle of a promising young women who pulled herself out of some bad life patterns. Comparatively to see her now living such a beautiful life in deep relationship with Christ. It is easy to see from this side of things how all her difficulties and worries, all valid are mere speed bumps or detours on a road to success in everything she does, no matter which path she takes. Our lives were so different, our paths so completely opposite. I wonder how someone who made all the safe choices in life could end up so desperately wishing that she hadn't. So strongly wishing she had taken (or could) a path like this young women had traveled for a time and is now out of. Wishing to be comfortable in her own skin, and confident with her abilities. Motivated to change, to step out and take a risk now, forgetting about the fear of failure and instead grasping the excitement of something new and fun. Instead I want to still hide. Hide from failure, embarrassment, and fear. To hide from the person I want to be, but do not have the courage and confidence to be.

  So really. Why do these twenty-somethings want to hang out with me?!!?

A Glass Box

Good Evening All.
It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Tonight feels significantly heavy enough to write, so here I am.
There has been a lot of talk in our community of Hope, Power, new Seasons, Action, and Words. Most of which I have all heard before over the years. Most if not all of it has very little impact on me.
Last Sunday at Cafe we had the amazing privilege of being the first group to screen a new movie short out called "Boxface". It was written and directed by an amazingly talented film maker Joel Thompson, who also happens to be in our community now. I heard the buzz a few days before. I felt the anticipation building Saturday night. This was going to be an amazing morning at Cafe. And it was, but not how I was sort of hoping it would be.
Worship was awesome. Deep songs of true worship, calling out. I
could feel others in the room were full of anticipation and want.

When the movie started everyone was transfixed, transported even, into the story. It was like we became the main character. We felt his fear, his sadness, his confusion. So many emotions all laid out before us, and we felt them all. Joel did such an amazing job at giving understandable substance to intangible complexities of human emotions. It was understandable why Joel received a standing ovation at the end. It was wonderful to see the emotion that was exposed in so many of us watching, as one by one people stood up to speak what touched them most. The biggest issue being that this movie needs to be seen by EVERYONE! Teachers, counsellors, social workers, parents, students, anyone in the health or mental health community. Even those of us who did not say anything still felt what the others said. As Matt said, 'we have just witnessed the beginning of something'. We all knew it, we all felt it.
I was proud of Joel as a volunteer in the film making world here in Fredericton. I was proud of his creative ability and vision. I was and still am proud that I had the opportunity to take part in a small way of getting his film finished and soon out into the public eye. I am proud of him as a human being, to so self-lessly expose himself through this film that others might be helped. This was huge!
Internally, and from a personal perspective I had no great reaction. As I said to a friend, I had no relief or revelation gained from the movie. Secretly I began to wonder if I was just numb in general.
It's been a few days now and that same question has remained with me. Am I just numb? Is the anti-depressant I'm taking causing me to be so perfectly evened out that I'm also not able to grasp the depth of great revelation set before me?!?
We talked tonight about the movie a bit, and about power, and mirrors. Someone mentioned the human tendency to want to hide in a box when faced with an image of something we don't much like, be that in others, or ourselves. It was also suggested that we realize, hiding and not dealing with "our stuff" is also depriving others of seeing and experiencing the process of healing you end up going through once there has been a hurt that causes us to want to hide in the first place. That process of coming through anxiety and depression for Joel has brought out an amazing movie that will touch lives and change them!

All this got me thinking tonight, and realizing. I am hiding in a glass box. Walls still surround me, but I'm not afraid to let others see that I'm not necessarily in the best mood, or best place in my life. Obviously, there's also no way anyone or anything is going to hurt me more. Though the glass is clear from both perspectives, I'm still walled in. And I'm so walled in with a view that even I can't get a handle on what I'm hiding from, or why. I have no words yet to describe any of it. All I know is that a barrier is present.

Actions of the Missing

It's been awhile since I last wrote...I've been busy. Really!
I took a job. Yup, the thing I dreaded to have to do. I finally caught a break. I had been handing out resumes for a few weeks, filling in online applications too. There was never a bite. We had no money and no way to make any with no one hiring. I couldn't even get an interview. I was getting more and more disheartened. With painful knees I also dreaded the idea of working. How was I going to be able to stand all day in retail when I could hardly walk up or down the 6 stairs to my front door? Or down the street to pick up Shalom from the bus! Or through the mall without having to sit part way through to hand out the resumes!!
It was torture not having finances come in, and it was torture applying to jobs I knew would be physically painful to do just to get minimum wage. I was feeling trapped and pretty hopeless.

Then a break came! I handed a resume over to someone in the mall. We had a nice chat, but her store had already hired two girls last week. She even directed me to the Mall office where a book of jobs in the mall was listed. I thanked her and off I went. Next day the phone call came. A store I hadn't applied to but was the sister store of wanted to see me ASAP. I high tailed it there that afternoon, interviewed and within 10 minutes was asked if I wanted the job. I started the next day at noon. 
Wow! Did that just happen?!?

I was right about pain! Standing for six hours was incredibly painful! Especially the first day! As the days progress the pain increased, but in my feet not my knees. In fact the ligaments on either side of both my knees seemed to be strengthening. The pain in my feet from standing was slightly lessened by good shoes. It's been two weeks now and my feet did adjusted to standing but I found I have one arch that is either falling or just needs more support. It hurts to even touch it. I'm noticing the pain in my knees more now though because the pain in my feet is no longer over-riding the rest of my senses. 
SO! I'm working and have yet to be paid. First pay cheque comes on the 15th. An actual, physical cheque too. So old fashioned! I already know it will be disappointing. So much less then Larry used to make per pay cheque. 
I am thankful I have a job that is low stress though. The job is easy. It's like babysitting a cash register and taking money from people who are so easily parted with it, especially in this store! Country decor items. I can't work past 9pm...10 soon when christmas hours start. But that is so much better than my last job that had me working the 4pm to 1am shift. Ugh! I hated that!!! The hours are not horrid, and the work fairly easy, the pay not great but the ladies I work with are! It's a very laid back environment. We all get along well and there is no work place "drama" really.
Now, if only Larry can find a job that pays better then minimum wage, is full time and local! Then we will be able to stay here in Fredericton. That's the goal. To stay here and not to move away.

Photo by Michelle V Charlebois, 09-10-2011
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